Lollercaust?

[Verbal Mike]

Okay, I may still be prime newb meat, but I've seen you Elder Ones say "someone has to write that damn Lollercaust already" too many times.
Let's brainstorm.
Cram posted in another thread that he will post some materials later today.
Did anyone else have some more specific ideas for this pamphlet, Way Back When?

[Triple Zero]

it's supposed to be:

- so funny my sides hurt
- laugh till i cry
- i can't tell whether i'm laughing or screaming HYSTERICALLY
- with extra horrible troofpaste

i should be the more surface happy counterpart to the BIP pamphlet.

maybe look at it like this:

- on the surface, the BIP pamphlet looks pretty gloomy, but if you look carefully, its message is in fact an invitation to a Jailbreak, a message of hope, somehow.

- on the surface, the Lollercaust should look funny happy joyjoyjoyjoyjoy go lucky, but looking deeper, you will notice you can't quite tell the maniacal laughter anymore from the hysterical screams and the crazy cries of confusion

is this a plan?

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

Cramulus posted several ideas for "Robot Revolution" as a theme for Lollercaust... but we night be ahead to scour a lot of the archives here at PD for material. I know that I've posted random things that might be good for a Lollercaust, others have as well.

I think it boils down to this question: Do we want to Write Lollercaust, or should Lollercaust be a anthology of the more LULZY posts at PD.com?

[AFK]

Probably a mix of the two, which from what I remember the BIP was.  I know a few of the pieces that went into the BIP were in the pd.com archives while some were written specifically for the pamphlet.  I have a few things I'd written for Lollercause, mostly marginalia-type material.  One way to go would be for individual posters to bump, or at least find, stuff they'd written they think appropriate for Lollercaust, and then pick and choose from there.  Then add in new stuff where appropriate/necessary. 

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

Probably a mix of the two, which from what I remember the BIP was.  I know a few of the pieces that went into the BIP were in the pd.com archives while some were written specifically for the pamphlet.  I have a few things I'd written for Lollercause, mostly marginalia-type material.  One way to go would be for individual posters to bump, or at least find, stuff they'd written they think appropriate for Lollercaust, and then pick and choose from there.  Then add in new stuff where appropriate/necessary. 

Ah my kingdom for a search engine!!

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

So should we start posting things we find that may work for a LOLercaust in this thread? I can think of a few things I've written here before that might fit, or they might not be LULZy enough, or whatever... So should we post links to existing material here, or just repost the material here, or start a different thread with Lolercaust material?

[Cramulus]

Here's How This is Going to Work

(lol)

Post or link to any candidates for publication.

Eventually, someone with some GUMPTION is going to pick and choose what they want to see in the book. The form, format, and content of the book is honestly going to be decided by whoever steps up to the plate to edit and lay out this stuff. Are YOU brave enough?


Anyway - beginning text dump now. 

[Cramulus]

Enricos "Larry King interview" http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=8328.0

LHXs "She Tried to Swallow me Whole" http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=10582.0

Cains "Poem by George W. Bush"   http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=9505.0

Silly Cybins "The History of Cybin" http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=11791.0

Freds "Tales of the Noodle...aka best story EVAR" http://www.poee.co.uk/boards/index.php?topic=736.0

Cains "Apocrypha" http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=6906.0

Cramulus' "Gorillas in the Midst" http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=12294.0

[Cramulus]

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=12756.0

Discordians in History




http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=12680.0
robot revolution

Quote from: Buddha's Ghost Penis on August 08, 2005, 02:34:07 AM
YOU ALL MAKE ME SO


happy


NOW I WILL PEE EVERYWHERE!

Quote from: agent compassion
Oh, wait, I am a pole-smoking liberal! That means I get all the prizes if I just sit here and wait for the conspiracy to work its magic, right?

 








Quote from: Chef
WAYSA?

CHEF D,
THINKS YUO SHOULD STICK TO SMIRNOFF ICE







Quote
HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE. YOUR MOTHER MAY HAVE BEEN BLESSED MORE TIMES BY THE SACRED WHITE RIVER OF MY PELVIC PALADIN, BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO GIVE ME THE GREEN EYE OF JEALOUSY, MY COCK-LOVING CAVALIER. BETWEEN US, TONIGHT WILL BE RELIGIOUS RAPTURE, FOR YOUR ANAL CLEFT SHALL BE MY GREAT SEA, AND I SHALL BE ITS MOSES, CLEAVING ITS MIGHTY CHOCOLATE OCEAN TO MAKE WAY FOR THE SAFE PASSAGE OF MY TESTICULAR TRIBE, HAVING BEEN GRANTED MEPHITIC FREEDOM FROM THE TYRANNY OF ENSLAVEMENT BEHIND A LOCKED PROSTATE. TO DO THIS, I WILL READY MY LONGIUS TO PIERCE YOUR BACKSIDE’S SACRED DOMAIN — YOU WILL SCREAM FIRST IN PAIN, THEN IN PASSION AS ITS STEEL-LADEN GIRTH STRETCHES AND RIPS THE FABRIC OF YOUR MORTAL INNARDS, DISIMBUING YOU OF YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS, LEADING YOU TO A HEAVEN, THEN REVIVING YOUR FEELING OF PHYSICAL REALITY LIKE A ONCE-CRUCIFIED JESUS RETURNING TO EARTH. I GUARANTEE IT.







Everyone's Discordia is different
collect all 1024!




Someone once asked me what the difference between what we are doing and the annoying Christian Missionairies and Jehovas Witnesses are doing.

I pondered this for a minute and then responded:

"Well, the Missionairies and JW's are trying to convert the weak minded and easily swayed.  We, on the other hand, stay away from them.  Have you not ever heard the term "human shield"?" 
-rev what's his name






Quote from: hunter s.durden on December 06, 2006, 03:50:18 PM
I heard of a cool new recipe for egg nog.
Bourbon and ice cubes.



Quote from: East Coast Hustle on December 08, 2006, 07:02:58 PM
NO ITZ NOT! ONLY WHITE PEEPLE CAN BE RACIST!
\
joshua




Quote from: DJRubberducky on January 31, 2007, 11:17:27 AM
The very idea makes me as giddy as a Japanese schoolgirl with a "get out of tentacle rape free" card.




Quote from: triple zero on February 12, 2007, 03:20:43 AM
build a huge 23 out of plexiglas

erect it somewhere on a big square

and fill it with cats

Branding:

[Cramulus]

by Dr. Jon
http://drjon.livejournal.com/
spermission has been granted to use this piece


(spermission was a typo but I'm leaving it for the lulz.  -cram)


DISCORDIAN SOCIETY ACQUIRES LIMBO

Monday 23 April, 2007

In a surprise move today, the Discordian Society, a small neo-religious group which worships the Ancient Greek Deity of Chaos called "Eris" (and known to the Ancient Romans as "Discordia"), have announced that they have acquired the non-corporeal realm known as "Limbo".

Limbo, the theological concept previous belonging to the Christian Catholic Church, was abandoned by the Church last Friday.

Although the Discordian Society is anarchic in structure, a self-proclaimed spokesperson for the movement who identified himself only as "His Wholiness the Rev.DrJon" made the following statement:

    The Discordian Society, in line with previous acquisitions, welcomes the arrival of Limbo into the fold. We look forward to giving the place a clean sweep, a good polish and a nice redecoration. We'd like to thank fellow Pope* Benedict XVI for making this opportunity possible. We'd also like to offer the hand of friendship to those tenants of Limbo who chose to stay. We assure all who do wish to stay that they are welcome to continue to reside in the manner to which they are accustomed, however we will also be undertaking a rolling series of improvements over the coming eons, which should see a marked increase in liveability benchmarks.


There is no word yet as to what purposes, if any, the Discordian Society plan to put Limbo to, however opinion is divided amongst the Discordian faithful.

(* Discordians believe that every man, woman and child is a Pope.)

[Cramulus]

Vex's stuff here:

http://www.cwyohba.org/discordja/

tons of awesome stuff, like the Big Mag EULA




Since it is SO HARD to find the Funnay, I'm expanding this project to include Discordian crap from all over the interweb. Permission will be obtained. Most of the stuff will still be from PD and its friends.

Lest we forget ...

thoughts on Lollercaust

The original PD had a very particular style - lots of cutups, stamps, collages, etc. Definitely had the feeling that Omar had a lot of free time while working at Western Union. The art was indicative of the technology of the day. With this one, I want to go in that direction but more modern.

it's kind of a weird process, deciding what's "in" and what's "out". There are so many bizarre weird graphics on the internet, I feel like one has to pick a particular style and then build around that.

It's an added bonus if the graphics come from someone I know.

The direction I'm leaning at the moment is to ditch the title LOLLERCAUST. Save that for a different project. I'd like to use your ROBOTS FROM THE FUTURE ARE INVADING survival guide as the cover.

Inside there'll be a lot of different funny crap like 23 things to amuse you while you wait, Gorillas in the Midst, a lot of Enrico stuff, etc... but with lots of Sexy Robot Invader meme interspersed throughout.

I think the key to prompting people to be funny is to give them a topic and a premise. Writing as a character is really easy too.

For example, the book will open with a letter about the robot revolution.

Somewhere in there I'd like to have Baby Jesus' head and a paragraph or five about why all you stupid fucks deserve this robot attack.

What does Scaryface think about robots?

The robot revolution can be presented in a number of different ways without worrying about consistency. In most of my work I refer to the robots as our sexy mechanical mistresses, but baby jesus could refer to them as holy avenging mecha-angels. The important part is that there is a Robot Revolution - the specifics are not important.

newspaper clippings to report on stuff too



does this inspire anybody?

edited to add: I still like the title Lollercaust. I retract my suggestion that we ditch it for a different title.

I did this intro a while back. Use it if you want. I cut the bit at the end out (it suckd)

Welcome to the lollercaust, it's the last thing you'll ever laugh at. Everything after this will be a anticlimax, somewhere between a smile and a chortle but, make no mistake, the belly laugh starts now. Right now our evil minions are drunk behind the wheel of an information processing technology capable or processing fuck only knows how many million or trillion pieces of information per second and none of you bastards are making it out of here alive.

Right now we got an army of trained monkeys, ready to go up against any superpower, dictatorship, bananna republic and civilian population center that takes our fancy. And guess what? This aint no ransom note - our tubes have been fired up, the trucks loaded and this shit is coming your way in t-minus. Listen out for the sirens. When you hear the air attack warning, closely followed by the savage hooting of a million fully armed, fully trained and fully psychotic simians do not prepare to survive. Do whatever it is you feel like doing with the last couple of minutes of your life cos this is it, buddy. It's the end of the fucking world!

The guns are loaded and pointed, guns so big you could ride an elephant along them, full of bullets to match - bullets that'll take out an area the size of a small country, in the blink of an eye and lay waste to an area ten times that in no more than a couple of weeks. There's a button that sets the whole thing off. It's a great big red flashing one, with a glass cover like you see in the movies. The glass cover is locked and tamperproof but, and here's the punchline...

...the button presses itself.

[Cramulus]

Here are some filez that LMNO sent me:








Once upon a time, two Serious Minded people were in their local pub, having a few pints, and talking about the nature of Universe.

Bill pointed out that most of what we consider “matter” is made up of empty space.  “The distance between a nucleus, its electrons, and the nearest adjacent atom is comparatively large; why, that barstool over there shouldn't even be considered a solid!”

Joe responded, “but wait… As far as we can actually prove, that barstool might simply be a hallucination, for we're not actually seeing the barstool, we're processing electric signals in our heads generated by our optic nerves.  And all they are doing is claiming certain wavelengths of light have bounced off an object.  But what if the nerves are misfiring, which we all know happen quite often?  So, we can’t really say whether or not the barstool even exists!”

Just then, a man approached them and said, “I couldn’t help but overhear you two talking.  If I may, I have an experiment for you.  Purely in the interest of a Deeper Understanding of the Universe.”

He then proceeded to pick up the barstool and pummel both Bill and Joe squarely about the head and torso, because they were so obviouly pretentious assholes who deserved a beatdown.

Thus, they were enlightened.


____________



THE BARSTOOL EXPERIMENT
Dictated by the Good Reverend Roger.

Efrim and I were in the airport bar, discussing the future of American football, when two men wearing clerical collars walked in.

They sat down, and pretty soon they were discussing the nature of reality, and of heaven and hell, and which swine would go where. The first mentioned that the barstool next to the one he was sitting on was made of "matter", which is mostly empty space. The second replied that there was no real proof that the stool even existed, since the senses are simply recording data that may or may not be correct.

Now, while we were paying attention to this, we missed the Raiders throwing yet another interception. Efrim decided he had had enough, and walked over to the barstool in question. He picked it up, and said, "I refute it THUS", and began to thrash the two clergymen. One was knocked into me, and I spilled my drink...so, as he started to get up, I put my cigarette out on his neck.

"That will teach you to mess with serious people", I snarled, and kicked him back onto the floor. Three TSA goons ran in, and dragged the two screaming ministers away, to some small filthy room where they would be made to explain themselves to all the wrong people.

Efrim sat down, and picked up his drink. "I hate guys like that", he said, "Reality is anything that can raise a lump on your skull."

"That's because you have no faith in the words of St Augustine", I replied, "You young Turks are all the same".

Cast: Ryan Seacrest
Simon Cowell
Randy Jackson
Paula Abdul
Smug Religionists of various stripes
The Bovine Millions


ACT 1 SCENE 1.

RS: Hi! I'm Ryan Seacrest...and when I'm not busy
pretending to date Teri Hatcher (catch her in season 3
of Desparate Housewives), I like to host this new
show......


FALSE IDOL

(Cue opening credits & music. CGI montage of various
religious symbols, figures, institutions etc)

RS: Tonight, we begin the search to find America's
best prophet/cult leader/whacko. Here's what happened
at our New York auditions.

ACT 1 SCENE 2.

(sweeping camera shots of hundreds of devotees hanging
around outside on the street, waving to the TV crew
and clutching their scriptures & audition number
sheets)

(interior shot: religious hopefuls sat waiting inside
building. RS approaches)

RS: Hi, I'm the entirely heterosexual Ryan Seacrest.
Contestant 1: (dismissive glare)
RS: Err...uhh...what's your name?
C1: I'm AL Aqbar Jihadi! Silence you fornicating
western dog!!

(Seacrest looks askance into camera and backs away
slowly)

ACT 1 SCENE 3 (inside audtion room. the judges are
behind a desk drinking COCA COLA, except paula who is
drinking vodka out of a brown paper bag. simon is
looking bored)

SC: Okay Contestant 1. What is your name and where are
you from?
C1: I AM AL AQBAR JIHADI! I AM 24 YEARS OLD AND I'M
FROM WISCONSIN!!
SC: [bemused]
RJ: Aight dawg...let's hear it.
PA: I LURRVE YUO!
C1: ALLAH WILL SEVER THE HEAD FROM THE GREAT AMERICAN
SATAN!! HE WILL BOIL YOUR STOMACHS IN HELL!!! THE
BLOOD OF 234 GAZILLION MUSLIMS IS ON YOUR HANDS!!!
SC. Stop! Stop! STOP!! That was the WORST koranic
sabre rattling I've heard in months. It was just
appauling Osama-karaoke.
PA: I LIKE YOUR SHOES!!
RJ: Ok dawg, check it out. I recorded with Khomeni
back in '79 and you just didn't bring it tonight.
SC: You're not even Middle Eastern, are you?
C1: F*** you! You don't know nothin' about me! I've
got more theological talent than all of you
motherf*****s.
[C1 exits]

(cuts to advert by Ford. Carrie Underwood is ploughed
down by Kermit the Frog driving a hybrid SUV)

ACT 1 SCENE 4.

(back to the audition room)

PA: I HATE YUO [girlie punches SC in the arm]
[the next contestant arrives]
C2: Repent!! Repent!! You must realize that God sent
his only son Jesus because of his love for
mankind....and if you don't....then well, you'll
BURN!!! ALL THE HOMOS, JEWS & LIBERALS WILL BURN!!
MWAA HAAA HAA HAA...THE BIBLE IS THE WORD OF GOD!!
The Judges: ???
[security takes C2 away, but not before administering
a Rodney King-esque beat down]
PA: Byee!!!!! [hiccups]

ACT 2 SCENE 1.

(It is the near the end of the day, the judges are
weary, Paula is only a shot glass away from
unconsciousness. C3 arrives)

SC: And you are?
C3: Elijah Greenbaum.
SC: And what are you going to do for us tonight?
C3: I'd like to do a song entitled 'Counting the
nostril hairs of Yahweh.'
SC: NEXT!

ACT 2 SCENE 2.

[hundreds of clips edited together - buddhists,
newagers, wiccans, hindus, toltec shaman etc etc are
all chastised by Simon's threatening English accent]

ACT 2 SCENE 3.

RJ: This is the last one I'm hearing today.
PA: [is hunched over the desk, partially undressed]
SC: If this f****** shite show doesn't pick up soon,
I'm f****** going back to London tonight.

[C4 appears]

SC: [very impatient...yes, even more than usual]
RJ: What's up dawg......etc?
C4: Everyone is in a Black Iron Prison....except me 

SC: Oh thank f*** for that. You're through to the next
round.
 

So anyway, the Christian creation story should be good enough for all of you. I mean honestly, can you really believe that the universe has existed for over ten billion years, and life has been evolving on earth for four billion years? Look at yourself. Do you look like the product of four billion years of evolution? Four billion years of random freaking chance could have produced better than you, much less four billion years of adaptation, natural selection, etc. causing constant improvement to the quality of the life forms on earth.

We're not the product of four billion years of evolution. We're the product of some lazy schmuch of a deity who decided he'd throw the universe together in a week rather than putting some time and effort into it. Only he was supposed to add all the cool stuff on the seventh day, which is the day he slept in, and when he finally did wake up he raided the fridge, then sat around watching reruns of I Love Lucy or some crap like that. Like, all those giant fossilized bones we keep finding? Not dinosaurs. Prototypes of the draconic races that were supposed to rule earth and use us for slave labor. When he didn't have time to finish them, he just kinda buried them and hoped nobody would find them.

Bastard.

STUDY: ACTUAL-DEATH EXPERIENCE MORE COMMON THAN NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE

BRUSSELS, BELGIUM -- A government study has found that "Actual-Death Experiences" are far more common than Near-Death Experiences.  According to the results of the study, nearly 11 out of every 10 people will experience an A.D.E. at least once during their lifetime, while only a smaller fraction, 3/10, will experience N.D.E.  The study also found that accounts of NDE vary more widely than previously thought, ranging from reports of following a bright light through a tunnel to having sexual encounters with dead celebrities.

It is not immediately clear what an A.D.E. is like, but scientists agree that since N.D.E. is only "nearly" death, Actual-Death Experience must be even better.  The scientists were even able to induce A.D.E. in some 25 subjects, finding it easier to induce than N.D.E., but the study group was unable to get reliable reports of A.D.E.  As of the time of this article's publication, none of the A.D.E. test subjects have responded to our requests for interviews, and members of their immediate families have been unwilling to comment.

The study is good news for the majority of people on the planet -- in fact, chances are that most of our readers will at some point have the opportunity to experience A.D.E. themselves.  Hopefully, some of them will be able to contact our offices or the offices of the ADE Study Group, to help scientists further expand our knowledge of what an A.D.E. is actually like.

So Lollercaust could be a periodical tract with different core themes and random crack spread throughout. Something like:

Lollercaust: The Robot Revolution (as discussed by the good Prof.)
Lollercaust: How To Beat A Dead Horse (spoofs of the circular debate logic and general rehashing of older concepts, ex: An Argument for Hollow Earth)
Lollercaust: The Birfrost Bridge Collapse (Essays on the existence or non-existence of God (meaning Zeus, Odin, Apollo, Aphroditie etc etc)... completely ignoring YHVH)
Lollercaust: Lying Down with Fleas (Deconstructing popular memes to reach the opposite conclusions)


etc.

Just a thought

Hmmm interesting. I had thought of it as a one-shot booklet, but it might be easier to compile numerous smaller "zines" (though I do hate that word). That's not a bad idea actually, because we can have a new theme in each tract.


Ideas to chew on:
-Jake-Day style postcards. (ie a form letter to Colbert which anyone could put a stamp on, sign, and mail)
-take an old comic and Jack Chic it up, WOMP style (PAYNE!)
-sermons, rants, nonsense, idiotic graphics



Payne - you're familiar with Jack Chic tracts, right? Our current comics are intended purely for the PD audience and contain lots of retarded PD in-jokes and faces. Do you think you could womp one up Discordian style? I think it would be really hysterical to do a really evangelical "extremist" Discordian comic. As if there's a Jack Chic* of Discordia.

((spelled Chick??))

[Cramulus]

BTW, over at WOMP HQ, we threw together a lot of Jack Chick ideas. We tried to take actual Jack Chick comics, wipe the text, and insert Discoridan stuff, but none of us were "funny on cue" enough for it to work. If people are interested, I'll post some of our attempts.

Ok, here's the start of what I was thinking about. It needs more filling out, maybe more examples where we can use the meme and some sort of conclusion that shows the writer has his own 'robot programming'.


----------------------

The Robot Revolution and its consequences and been disastrous for humans everywhere. It may be true, that they have greatly increased access to sex, companionship and servants for those of us living in advanced countries. However, the resources required to build and maintain the robots we are quickly becoming dependant on, has destabilized third world countries and the psychology of our own society. The continued acceptance of Robots as Sex Toys, Butlers and Friends will only worsen the physical suffering of undeveloped nations and the psychological rotting of our own.

People accept the Robots, because they can control the Robots. Every individual can program the Robot to like the things that they like, hate the things that they hate and believe the things that they believe. Few of us can stand against the Robot Revolution, because so many of our fellow humans have forgotten than the Robots are just robots.

Scientists now use Robots to prove that their theoretical conclusions are logical and exult in the success of their work. Yet they themselves programmed the logic in the robots code, so why would it not agree with their theories? For the Robot, there is no Choice, just the Program.

Many now think that they are skilled in the art of lovemaking, because their Robot whore moans in ecstasy. Yet they programmed the Robot’s sex drive, fetishes and g-spots, why would it not respond to the stimuli? For the Robot, there is no Choice, just the Program.

The Priests have used Robots to examine the depth of Creation and rejoice when the Robot concludes that the Universe must have a Designer. Yet, they put in place the parameters that the Robot used in measuring, why would it not find their God in the details? For the Robot there is no Choice, just the Program.

(More Stuff Here)

----------

I would like to create the feel of a reality where the "Robot" acts as the Prover to the 'Programmer' or Thinker. Any instance where the Thinker and Prover metaphor fits in society, I'd like to use as examples of the Programmer/Robot.

Ohhhhh! Maybe at the end we figure out that the writer was a robot programmed to think as a Luddite?

Hmmm interesting. I had thought of it as a one-shot booklet, but it might be easier to compile numerous smaller "zines" (though I do hate that word). That's not a bad idea actually, because we can have a new theme in each tract.

Lollercaust is a movement

Lollercaust is declararation of war upon anyone who doesn't see the funny side

Lollercause is not a pamphlet of series therof

Lollercaust is a revolution, a way of life, a call to arms

You WILL die laughing

Wanna buy a balloon?

I originally posted this on POEE.co.uk, and I figured whoring my kopyleft work a little more wouldn't hurt. Most of this is written in the vein of the Principia, because, like most young schmucks who discover Discordianism for the first time, I once thought I was gonna write the next <insert Latin word here> Discordia. It seems we've generally come to agree, that the BIP, the way it is now, is basically good, but perhaps too antagonistic and in need of the goofy formatting that makes the Principia and Apocrypha so amusing to read.

So burn a couple brain cells on this:

*The author apologizes for any offense this text may cause, but isn't really sorry*

A Tale of the Prudish One

Zarath the Confused Sage, whilst joyously throwing acorns into a river and at the occasional squirrel, a man walked up to him and asked, "Why do you throw acorns?"

After a moment's speculation, Zarath replied "Because it is more enjoyable than eating them, and it is safer than throwing hand grenades."

"But why interact with them at all?" asked the man.

"Well, why not? It does no harm," Zarath replied.

"But what is the reason for throwing them? Does it serve a purpose; is it part of a plan; what is gained from it?" the man pressed for an answer. Zarath became irritable.

"What is your problem, man? Does it bother you that I have no organized plan of action for dealing with these acorns? Perhaps I do it so the acorns will be carried downstream, where they might find a place to take root."

"But you should find a place to plant the acorns yourself if that is your reason," the man said, not understanding Zarath's irritation, for he was too disturbed by the confusing, un-purposeful nature of the Sage's behavior. "There are more efficient ways to plant acorns; you should not waste your time if you do not have a plan."

"Why are you so prudish? What care I if my throwing of acorns yields no future benefit to me? I throw them because I wish to, as it pleases me. If an acorn does take root because of my actions, then something has been gained, otherwise, nothing has been lost."

"Why should you wish to do anything at all, if it is not part of a plan for future gain? Idle pursuits are sinful!" the man seethed, himself becoming annoyed with the apparent lack of order in Zarath's mind. He worked himself half to death to maintain a particular order in his own thoughts and actions, so it seemed wrong, even offensive, that someone could be so contrary to his values. "The world is orderly in nature, and we must ourselves be organized in all things. Else we shall engage in the destructive ways of chaos and disorder!"

"Know-nothing!" screamed Zarath. "Without chaos, there can be no creativity, only mindless repetition and eventual stagnation!" With that, Zarath threw his remaining acorns at the prudish man and began hopping around, making chicken noises (bwauk, bwauk, bwaaauk!). The man fled and returned to his dull, comfortable life, and willingly bloted out his confusion with predictable, orderly thoughts of lunch and tax forms.

Zarath realized that he had met his nemesis.
-----

| Misuse of this information could|
| cause confusion and/or multiple |
| interpretations. Don't do       |
| anything to prevent this.       |

==Haiku==
The Tao of Eris
Many things to think about
Best to forget them

==Limerick==
On Tuesday I read a book,
'Cause I thought it was worth a look.
I found it quite boring,
By the end I was snoring,
So a nap is what I took.

The Book of Dewlap
Zarath the Confused Sage was speaking with his companions during teatime (being an American, who was in America at that time, this meant he was having tea at the proper, Greenwich Mean Time when it was the middle of the working day according to his local time zone. It made no difference), when one of them asked a question of him:

"Zarath, the conundrum that we know as the 'Chicken or the egg' argument has vexed me lately. Which came first?"

Sipping his tea, Zarath realized too late that the tea was very hot, and he proceeded to burn his tongue. Unable to answer the question, he waved his hand in an attempt to get another to speak for him.

Rising to meet the Confused and now Slightly Burned Sage's needs, a perceptive young companion spoke aloud: "What Zarath means to say is that neither the chicken nor the egg seems to give a damn which came first, so we may conclude that they were born, simultaneously, from a wombat."

Satisfied, Zarath shrugged and those present were enlightened.
-----

A farmer told a man from the
city: "My cows are invisible, good sir."
Disbelieving, the city fellow looked into
the farmer's field,
And Lo! he could not see any cows.

If I find Jesus, does that mean the game is over, or is it my turn to hide?

Concerning the Number Eleven
*A Numerological Principle*

• Wherefore, if there are exactly eleven people present at a party, it shall be nigh impossible to divide the cake into eleven pieces, making it necessary to acquire more cakes of the same size to make eleven, or some multiple thereof.
• Wherefore, be it known that eleven is therefore an impractical and awkward number to use in any situation
• Wherefore, any person interested in promoting Holy Discord should attempt to apply the number eleven as often as possible, for obvious reasons.

The Reverend Gamalost was known
to wax philosophic very often,
because philosophic tended to lose
its glossy sheen all too easily.

[Cramulus]

FROM: Ramses Colossus,
Quinti-Primi Illuminati, Hermes Trismegistus Cabal

TO: Baron von Hoopla,
Esoteric Order Of Eris, Kaufman Kabal

Hoopla:

As we discussed at the zoo the other day, our plans for bringing about the End Of The World have been in motion for many years now. As I'm sure you are aware there are two lessons to any story, the obvious exoteric lesson, and the less obvious esoteric lesson. In regards to the End Of The World idea, consider the esoteric idea underneath the obvious, and it will become more clear. I'm talking about Revolution Of The Mind, Hoops. Of course, nothing of the sort has happened yet, but we're making progress.

You will -of course- remember in an earlier memo when I mentioned that we had been printing books blank, well that was simply the whipped cream on the pumpkin pie that mama made which nobody wants to eat because its so perfect it looks like it should be in magazine ad . . . in other words, nothing.

Here's some of what we've been working on:

-In 1963 we completely altered all sex education courses in North America, deleting any references to how noses and eyebrows also grow at puberty. This small change has resulted in more anti-social behavior than violent TV, video games or hip hop music combined. So far nobody has put it together.

-Bendy Straws. Not a single one has worked since 1982. This of course renders the straw completely useless. This one is subtle, but has profound effects. Have you noticed the rising state of anger in children during the last decade or so? Blame the straws. Of course, this is currently nothing. There's always a second act - wait until 2010 when ONLY bendy straws will be manufactured.

-We introduced Family Fued in late 1976 in an attempt to push the idea of herd mentality over the cliff, but even we were surprised by the zeal the public showed in attempting to be just like everyone else. In retrospect, this could be because we went with our softer title, which encouraged competition, instead of our original choice which we eventually deemed too obvious: "Be Like Me". Live and learn.

-Since the invention of the bikini bathing suit in 1946 we have been changing the way doctors are taught to cut umbilical cords, thereby subtly deforming the appearance of the average belly button over time in North America. Grotesque bellybuttons undermine a society's sense of self worth, but of course only if they are always visible, so once belly button esthetics reached an all-time low we introduced the fad of the bellytop. Self esteem and IQ levels plummeted across the continent - but wait until 2009, when the male bellytop fad is introduced. PANDEMONIUM!

There's more of course, but I'm pressed for time, being a very busy man. I can't say much about the project I am currently working on, but I can say that it involves the S Club 7 and Outer Space. Chew on that!

TTFN,

Ramses

PS: Concerning that Christopher Lee comment I happen to think I look more like Frank Langella, and sound more like Orson Welles.

/DUMP

That concludes the WOMP Buttcave Lollercaust thread dump. That's all I've got. Hopefully there's some good material in here to build on.

[Cramulus]

Here's How This is Going to Work

(lol)

Post or link to any candidates for publication.

Hoopla's take on the Barstool---

It came to pass one day that two students of Zaurn the Grey were sitting in the school garden, marveling at all their newfound knowledge.  Nearby, the Heirophant was quietly reading a comic book.

Pokaroo turned to ZauZajer and said:  'Zaurn the Wise taught me today about the true nature of solidity. He taught that seemingly solid objects are, in fact, made from tiny particles.  They appear to our eyes and fingers as solid, but in reality much space is between these particle, in a relative sense.'

ZauZajer stroked his goatee, which meant he was pondering. 'Interesting,' said he. 'for Zaurn the Erudite taught me today that vision and touch are the results of signals being passed to our minds from the outside world.  We see, yet we are verily as blind as a Srizzlefish.  For all we know our signals may be crossed and our vision and touch may be all lies.'

Pokaroo stared for a moment at the flagstones under his feet. 'Do you realize what this means?' he asked.

'I think I do.'  ZauZajer answered, with a tremble of fear in his eyes.

'With so much uncertainty, how can we know anything?' Pokaroo squeaked.

'Yes!' cried ZauZajer. 'With so much uncertainty we ourselves may not even exist.' 

The Heirophant, overhearing the discussion of the two students, strolled over. 'I overheard your discussion, because I was eavesdropping.' said he, then went on in this manner: 'If I may, I think I may be able to help you both with your problem.  That is, if you would like the help?'

'Yes!' cried Pokaroo. 'We are lost!'

'Please!' wailed ZauZajer. 'Enlighten us!'

The Heirophant smiled, rubbed his hands together briskly, then put a hand on each of the student's shoulders.  He leaned toward them, conspiratorially.  Pokaroo and ZauZajer leaned in, waiting for the answer.

The Heirophant swiftly knocked both of the two skulls together, letting out a ringing GONG sound.

Thus, were both enlightened.

also:

Yet ANOTHER take on it:


Yesterday, I overheard a conversation between two homeless men who were waiting in a line for lunch at a nearby shelter. I was waiting for a bus on a bench close to where the two were standing, and happened to overhear one of them mention a 'golden apple'. This, of course, piqued my interest, so I began to listen to the two.

It turns out that the 'golden apple' the one man was referring to was what is commonly referred to as an 'Orange', but he is correct that at one time the fruit was called a golden apple - the conversation centered around the man holding the orange trying to convince the other man that the fruit he was holding was in fact blue, not orange.

"It's like this," said the man. "colour works in opposites. When you look at an Orange the light bounces off the Orange, and back to your eye. But, the thing is, the thing is this: the Orange absorbs all the colours of the white light, and only bounces back the colour orange to your eye. So, really, the Orange is any colour BUT orange."

"I don't get it." said the other man. "Why does it look orange to us, then?"

"Because that's the only colour bouncing back to your eye. It looks orange because orange is bouncing back. The eye works on opposites. We actually see things upside down, but our eyes correct the image so that we see it normally. And, we usually see in negative, but the eye corrects for that too."

"That's fucked." the other man answered aptly.

It was at this point that I turned to the two men. "I'll tell you what's more fucked. Colour doesn't exist at all."

They both just stared at me. I continued: "Think about this: Everything is made from molecules, right? Well, what colour are molecules?"

The one man shrugged, and the other said: "I don't know."

I winked. "Exactly. That's because molecules don't have any colour. And, if everything is made from molecules, and molecules have no colour, than de facto NOTHING has colour.  BOOYA!"

Before either man could respond, I disappeared into a puff of smoke.