Horrormirth 1

[Requia ☣]

This is a sample for something I may be writing semi-regularly.

It is time to discuss the tale of the SEC, and mamma.com.  Just in case you aren't aware, the SEC goes after certain classes of financial crimes, and with the US economy collapsing due to widespred malfeasance, they take on a certain spotlight.  So given the choice of what to go after, the hidden losses, the predatory contracts, the credit companies that swore real estate was going to make more money than the gross planetary income, or insider traders at mamma.com, they of course went after mamma.com.

While I can't imagine you've never heard of them, a bit of background. Mamma.com shows search results from other sites, specifically ask.com and about.com.  Which you may not have heard of, but never fear, mamma.com will teach you of them.

Back tou our tale, with no indication that during a collapsing economy a search site nobody has heard of, and which fails to display its ads every time, was about to go belly up, one man recieved a tip off that it was about to go belly up, and sold his stock in mamma.com.  The SEC caught him though, and has discovered he in fact was tipped off to the impending doom of mamma.com.  So tonight, rest assured, despite the impending collapse of half the globes economy, and a deficit that outweighs the projected income, the federal government still protects us.  From mamma.com.

[Requia ☣]

Right... I'm just going to assume that that was a horrible failure.

[Manta Obscura]

Right... I'm just going to assume that that was a horrible failure.

No, it wasn't terrible. I thought that it was rather solid writing, and you got the information all out on the table, but . . . I think it might be better if you expanded a little bit, adding some more of your own voice and some greater detail to the piece.

[Cramulus]

My suggestions:

You need to better define the SEC. I'm not familliar with the acronym.

You should explain what the SEC should be focusing on, and why mamma.com is small beans.

And try to really bring out the horrormirth - that sense of "am I laughing or screaming?" The government bumbling around inefficiently is usually a good topic for horrormirth, but both the SEC and mamma.com are just faceless entities to most of us. It might help to focus the piece towards a punchline-like ending.

[Requia ☣]

Right... I'm just going to assume that that was a horrible failure.

No, it wasn't terrible. I thought that it was rather solid writing, and you got the information all out on the table, but . . . I think it might be better if you expanded a little bit, adding some more of your own voice and some greater detail to the piece.

Given that my purpose was to get people to complain so that I know what I'm doing wrong, yes it was.  I have criticism now though, so can try for something better on the next one.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I like the background, but where's the hate?

[Requia ☣]

I like the background, but where's the hate?

I'll keep that in mind.

[Eater of Clowns]

It's missing about 1,492 strategically placed "fuck"s.