Author Topic: The Parable of the Unwanted (or Papa, don¬¥t preach)  (Read 2617 times)

godemperorofhell

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The Parable of the Unwanted (or Papa, don´t preach)
« on: October 12, 2005, 07:47:03 pm »
The Parable of the Unwanted (Or "Billy, don´t be a hero")
As revealed to Pope C?§s?§n??v?§ Fr?§nk?´nst?´?Øn The Younger with five Umlauts plus three

All Hail Discordia!!!!!

And then Eris Discordia was walking down the street, minding her own business, on her way to her new position as frycook at the local Burger King, daydreaming about the shopping she would make with her first paycheck. Yes, it would be easier to seduce one of her legions of cultists and take his wallet, but for once she wanted to try earning money while spitting inside the buns of the undesirables, the chaos she would bring to the hapless mortals!

And then she found a young discordian weeping, sitting on the sidewalk. The goddess, who still had some minutes to spare, decided to comfort her saddened child;
"What´s wrong, child?"
"I am so depressed, I have tried to do the Goddess´bidding and convert my whole family and my workmates to the sacred ways of Discordia, and they have rejected me, they hate me so much they forgot my birthday"
"And why would you do such a thing" Eris could not hide her disgust.
"I have found the way to the truth thanks to the only Goddess and I want to share my joy, winning souls to Eris. I have spread her gospel, I have given charity in her name, I have defended my neighbor against the iniquities of the system and they keep calling me names and spitting at me"
"Ok, "by now Eris realized this poor chap had not recognized her, "Did your gorgeous and smart goddess tell you all this? Is this her will" She asked, knowing the answer was negative.
"Of course, I consulted my pineal gland as the goddess told me"
"Welll, I think you should clean between your ears"
"How would you know?" he shouted; "Discordianism is the only true religion and we are the only ones who are going to heaven, not as those heathens the Subgenii"
"Listen, you asshole, you wouldn´t know your goddess even if she bit you in the ass. Besides, No one ever said you are going to heaven, you don´t know shit"
And as the young deluded one turn his back on the goddess she proceeded to bite him in the ass. Never turn your back on a crazy woman, chum!
Then he was iluminated, and recognized Eris.
"Sorry, my lady. I am a sinner, how can I atone for my blasphemies against you?"
Eris smiled and simply said: "Become a christian and forget everything about me, I don´t want deluded retards as followers
If I wanted sheep I would eat lambchops
If I wanted evangelists I would put a classified ad in the newspaper
If I wanted servitude I would hire a guatemalan maid
If I offered salvation I would sell it for big bucks
If I wanted to spread my word I would possess the Catholic Pope and dance the watusi
If I condemned the other religions I would teach my followers to create atom bombs
If I wanted souls I would get them from garage sales, they are a buck a piece"
"Could you tell me the moral of this story, My lady"
"*sigh* Well, gimme all your worldly possessions and I will get you a ticket in heaven"
The guy immediately gave Eris his car, his house and 100,000 bucks in cash. After blessing him Eris went to the shopping mall and bought until her "shopping bone" was sore.
She never made it to her new job and the guy was devoured by Lord Cthulhu at the end of times as everybody else.
I have no heaven to pay.
I have no Hell to resist.


Discordian Pope Cäsänövä Fränkënstëïn the Younger, Chaplain of the Sacred Order of the Knights of the Living Dead,Lord of the Umlaut,  Scribe of the Congregation of the Sacred Acorn. Slayer of the Gosmolast

Cain

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The Parable of the Unwanted (or Papa, don´t preach)
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2005, 07:51:00 pm »
I give this 5 w00ts out of 5.  Very nice.

 8)

The Good Reverend Roger

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The Parable of the Unwanted (or Papa, don´t preach)
« Reply #2 on: October 13, 2005, 04:32:13 am »
This gets 4.5 Fuck Yeahs.
Your toilet is going to kill you.  Ask me how.

Shibboleet The Annihilator

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The Parable of the Unwanted (or Papa, don´t preach)
« Reply #3 on: October 13, 2005, 05:10:23 am »
I usually stop reading these after a couple sentences (or not at all) but I read the whole thing.


Irreverend Hugh, KSC

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The Parable of the Unwanted (or Papa, don´t preach)
« Reply #4 on: October 13, 2005, 10:43:54 pm »
A complete Fuck-On-A!
"Time for the tin-foil hats, girls and boys!"

Rev. St. Syn, KSC

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The Parable of the Unwanted (or Papa, don´t preach)
« Reply #5 on: October 14, 2005, 10:20:43 am »
GEmp, since you didn't reply to my PM I'm putting it on the front page at poee anyways. ;)

Top shit!
~Rev. St. Syn, KSC
Outlandishness, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity.

Irreverend Hugh, KSC

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The Parable of the Unwanted (or Papa, don´t preach)
« Reply #6 on: October 14, 2005, 10:32:22 am »
Quote from: synaptyx
GEmp, since you didn't reply to my PM I'm putting it on the front page at poee anyways. ;)

Top shit!


I'll stab if it disagrees.
"Time for the tin-foil hats, girls and boys!"

Rev. St. Syn, KSC

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The Parable of the Unwanted (or Papa, don´t preach)
« Reply #7 on: October 14, 2005, 11:16:50 am »
/Gets out of the way
~Rev. St. Syn, KSC
Outlandishness, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity.

Irreverend Hugh, KSC

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The Parable of the Unwanted (or Papa, don´t preach)
« Reply #8 on: October 14, 2005, 11:42:54 am »
Quote from: synaptyx
/Gets out of the way


<Stabs the way out>
"Time for the tin-foil hats, girls and boys!"

godemperorofhell

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The Parable of the Unwanted (or Papa, don´t preach)
« Reply #9 on: October 15, 2005, 12:20:00 am »
I'm so glad to be featured somewhere! Of course I agree under the discordian liberated rights license.
My argentine gf just dumped me and I want to celebrate!!!
I have no heaven to pay.
I have no Hell to resist.


Discordian Pope Cäsänövä Fränkënstëïn the Younger, Chaplain of the Sacred Order of the Knights of the Living Dead,Lord of the Umlaut,  Scribe of the Congregation of the Sacred Acorn. Slayer of the Gosmolast

Shibboleet The Annihilator

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The Parable of the Unwanted (or Papa, don´t preach)
« Reply #10 on: October 15, 2005, 01:00:53 am »
If you post this at Synaptix's place and ask them to include it in their articles you'll probably be featured there too.

www.poee.co.uk

godemperorofhell

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The Parable of the Unwanted (or Papa, don´t preach)
« Reply #11 on: October 17, 2005, 11:36:10 pm »
Quote from:  
If you post this at Synaptix's place and ask them to include it in their articles you'll probably be featured there too.

www.poee.co.uk


That's where this piece is! any idea if it will make it into a sacred text?
I have no heaven to pay.
I have no Hell to resist.


Discordian Pope Cäsänövä Fränkënstëïn the Younger, Chaplain of the Sacred Order of the Knights of the Living Dead,Lord of the Umlaut,  Scribe of the Congregation of the Sacred Acorn. Slayer of the Gosmolast

Rev. St. Syn, KSC

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The Parable of the Unwanted (or Papa, don´t preach)
« Reply #12 on: October 18, 2005, 11:23:02 am »
Um, yeah, I stoeled it. :) Glad you approve. Write more, so I can stoled that too. :lol:
~Rev. St. Syn, KSC
Outlandishness, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity.