Author Topic: Contest Entry: Sacred Bull  (Read 3695 times)

Enrico Salazar

  • GENERALISSIMO
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 3490
    • View Profile
Contest Entry: Sacred Bull
« on: October 20, 2005, 04:59:31 pm »
As Enrico stepped off tuna boat onto fine soil of this country he was immediately molested by a strange man in a rumpled suit with crazed eyes.  Normally this would not bother Enrico at all, on the contrary, he advertises for it . . . but this man wasn't interested in Enrico's crotch at all, he was only interested in talking religion and philosophy.  He asked Enrico, "Do you believe there is such thing as a true religion?"

Enrico snorted and replied "Isn't pornography the religion in this country?"

He told Enrico that it was not, which saddened Enrico for a few moments, it was after all why Enrico had come to this country in the first place.  Immediately his visions of becoming a pope of porn melted away . . . he would have to find other ways to get people to accept his 'host', he relized.  He was only sad for a moment, of course, because Enrico rarely has to do much persuading, being the virile testicle squid he is.

The man pulled a medalion from under his shirt and waved it before Enrico's eyes.  Enrico, in turn pulled seventeen medalions from under his shirt and waved them around too, thinking 'what strange customs these beautiful faggots have', but was distracted from his inner monologue by the man saying "This is called the Sacred Cow."

"Sacred Cow?"  Enrico asked, then added:  "In Enrico's homeland that is Beatrice Arthur."

"No no," the man said.  "Cow!  See Ayche Aye Oh.  Cow.  It is the singular version of Chaos."

"Chaos."  repeated Enrico.

"Yes,"  the man said.  "Chaos is the natural state of the universe.  Aspects of chaos are order and disorder.  Both are natural, so do not shun the disorder as false, it is true."

"You speak bullshit," Enrico laughed.  "Enrico likes that."

"This is not bullshit.  This is truth that will set you free."

"No."  said Enrico.  "Is bullshit.  But, bullshit is important."

The man's eyes widened in amazement.  "Bullshit?  Important?  Why?"

Enrico was surprised that the concept of Bull hadn't been taught to this man.  What else was going to be different in this country?

"Bullshit is very important."  Enrico told the man.  "Bullshit should be spread far and wide.  Always spread bullshit wherever you go."

"Why?"  asked the man.

"Is simple.  If you speak to someone and tell them truth you have made them think nothing, is true?"

"No, they think about what you said."

"How many peoples do you know?"  Enrico asked.  "Most peoples, they are not completely right in the head.  Most peoples accept your information like a baby goat accepts your root.  If you give them bullshit, though, the person will later find out about it, become angry, but then they will need to go look up the information themselves.  They will need to use their own head gravy, instead of relying on other peoples to do their thinking for them . . . in this way bullshit is very very important.  So spread bullshit everywhere, my fine friendly faggot."

Enrico was about to leave when the man called out to him "But what if they never find out that the information is bullshit?"

Enrico turned back to the man.  He shrugged.  "Fuck em.  If they are that stupid they deserve to stay that way."

And that is how Enrico taught the silly Discordian about the Sacred Bull.
Did someone say "gorgeous"?

East Coast Hustle

  • Missile Command
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 45639
  • Omnimalevolent Polyfather of Exsanguination in Red
    • View Profile
Contest Entry: Sacred Bull
« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2005, 09:00:46 pm »
even the East German judge gives that one a 9.5 out of 10.

bravo.

not that my opinion matters in the context of the contest.

 8)
Rabid Colostomy Hole Jammer of the Coming Apocalypse™

The Devil is in the details; God is in the nuance.


Some yahoo yelled at me, saying 'GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH', and I thought, "I'm feeling generous today.  Why not BOTH?"

Horab Fibslager

  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 10007
    • View Profile
Contest Entry: Sacred Bull
« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2005, 11:18:56 pm »
find the man that worships/converses with bea arthur's vagina, an di believe you discover the former identity of senor salazar.

maybe.

in any case, not too shabby.
Hell is other people.

fnordiscordia

  • Outlandish
  • ***
  • Posts: 1133
    • View Profile
Contest Entry: Sacred Bull
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2005, 04:26:49 am »
THIS ONE'S ALRIGHT TOO.

B_M_W

  • The Artist Formerly Known As Buddhist_Monk_Wannabe
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 6470
    • View Profile
Contest Entry: Sacred Bull
« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2005, 04:35:10 am »
I LIKE this, especially the punchline. I think its going in my sig. Yes, it is.  8)
One by one, we break the sheep from their Iron Bar Prisons and expand their imaginations, make them think for themselves. In turn, they break more from their prisons. Eventually, critical mass is reached. Our key word: Resolve. Evangelize with compassion and determination. And realize that there will be few in the beginning. We are hand picking our successors. They are the future of Discordianism. Let us guide our future with intelligence.

     --Reverse Brainwashing: A Guide http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=9801.0


6.5 billion Buddhas walking around.

99.xxxxxxx% forgot they are Buddha.

Hoopla

  • "postmodern nihilist reactionary"
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 26969
    • View Profile
Contest Entry: Sacred Bull
« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2005, 01:18:50 pm »
Quote from: Horab Fibslager
find the man that worships/converses with bea arthur's vagina, an di believe you discover the former identity of senor salazar.

maybe.

in any case, not too shabby.


I wish I was Enrico.

I'd get a lot more action.
"I contradict myself?  Very well then, I contradict myself; I am large - I contain multitudes."  -Walt Whitman

LMNO, PhD (life continues)

  • Unregulated & Horribly Oily Piranha of the Dance Floor
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 81087
  • Unregulated & Horribly Oily Piranha of the Dance F
    • View Profile
    • Earfatigue Productions: When it has to sound like you give a shit.
Contest Entry: Sacred Bull
« Reply #6 on: October 21, 2005, 01:20:32 pm »
I'm not quite sure you'd want the kind of action Enrico's getting...
LMNO
Pope/Wrought Iron Instigator
First Church of Last Exit Before Toll
The Spider Project.

Buy the Chao te Ching, or be doomed forever.

http://www.stonybrook.edu/sb/marburger/index.shtml

"Get offa me, you freaks!  This is not North Korea.  No.  This is America, and I expect to be PAID for that sort of nonsense.  In advance.  No credit...Cash on the barrelhead or GTFO.  I swear to God, there's nothing more annoying than commie perverts who don't understand the intrinsic value of the free market system."

Hoopla

  • "postmodern nihilist reactionary"
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 26969
    • View Profile
Contest Entry: Sacred Bull
« Reply #7 on: October 21, 2005, 01:30:41 pm »
Good point.
"I contradict myself?  Very well then, I contradict myself; I am large - I contain multitudes."  -Walt Whitman

Bella

  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 9923
    • View Profile
    • Eris Bar and Grill
Contest Entry: Sacred Bull
« Reply #8 on: October 21, 2005, 02:36:08 pm »
I'm jealous that Enrico stole some of your material, Baron.
He's never once hisssed at anyone. I just feel so left out.  :cry:
just like in a dream
you'll open your mouth to scream
and you won't make a sound

you can't believe your eyes
you can't believe your ears
you can't believe your friends
you can't believe you're here

Hoopla

  • "postmodern nihilist reactionary"
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 26969
    • View Profile
Contest Entry: Sacred Bull
« Reply #9 on: October 21, 2005, 02:42:02 pm »
Well, Bea Arthur is pretty amazing.  I'm surprised more people don't bring her up more often.

Wasn't Zurtok located IN Bea Arthur's vagina for a while?

Now THAT'S commitment.
"I contradict myself?  Very well then, I contradict myself; I am large - I contain multitudes."  -Walt Whitman

Bella

  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 9923
    • View Profile
    • Eris Bar and Grill
Contest Entry: Sacred Bull
« Reply #10 on: October 21, 2005, 02:43:35 pm »
Actually, I'm pretty sure Zurtok was also in Devil Squerrel's tummy for a while.
Must of been kind of crowded considering she's already eaten St. Hugh and Bob Dole and Canada.
I made her spit Canada back out before too much damage was done, though.

PS: Speaking of spitting - this essay almost made me spit my coffee on the monitor.
I'm so glad I'm not a judge in this contest. I don't know how I'd pick.
just like in a dream
you'll open your mouth to scream
and you won't make a sound

you can't believe your eyes
you can't believe your ears
you can't believe your friends
you can't believe you're here

LMNO, PhD (life continues)

  • Unregulated & Horribly Oily Piranha of the Dance Floor
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 81087
  • Unregulated & Horribly Oily Piranha of the Dance F
    • View Profile
    • Earfatigue Productions: When it has to sound like you give a shit.
Contest Entry: Sacred Bull
« Reply #11 on: October 21, 2005, 02:48:44 pm »
I'm using the criteria as a strict guidline.

The Entertainment value on these are so good, it comes down to Persuasion and Discordian Concepts.

But I'm not telling how I'm scoring these.


Hoshiko's gonna have a hell of a catching up to do.
LMNO
Pope/Wrought Iron Instigator
First Church of Last Exit Before Toll
The Spider Project.

Buy the Chao te Ching, or be doomed forever.

http://www.stonybrook.edu/sb/marburger/index.shtml

"Get offa me, you freaks!  This is not North Korea.  No.  This is America, and I expect to be PAID for that sort of nonsense.  In advance.  No credit...Cash on the barrelhead or GTFO.  I swear to God, there's nothing more annoying than commie perverts who don't understand the intrinsic value of the free market system."

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Tarantism Victim
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 34378
    • View Profile
Contest Entry: Sacred Bull
« Reply #12 on: October 23, 2005, 05:50:50 am »
Quote from: erotic
I'm using the criteria as a strict guidline.

The Entertainment value on these are so good, it comes down to Persuasion and Discordian Concepts.

But I'm not telling how I'm scoring these.


Hoshiko's gonna have a hell of a catching up to do.


Doesn't matter.  The mod's alt is gonna win.  We know this.
"The illusion of freedom will continue as long as it's profitable to continue the illusion. At the point where the illusion becomes too expensive to maintain, they will just take down the scenery, they will pull back the curtains, they will move the tables and chairs out of the way, and you will see the brick wall at the back of the theatre."
- Frank Zappa

Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy

  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 14854
    • View Profile
Contest Entry: Sacred Bull
« Reply #13 on: October 23, 2005, 06:03:35 am »
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger
Quote from: erotic
I'm using the criteria as a strict guidline.

The Entertainment value on these are so good, it comes down to Persuasion and Discordian Concepts.

But I'm not telling how I'm scoring these.


Hoshiko's gonna have a hell of a catching up to do.


Doesn't matter.  The mod's alt is gonna win.  We know this.


Which mod which alt?

Shibboleet The Annihilator

  • The
  • Mods
  • Deserved It
  • ***
  • Posts: 48328
    • View Profile
    • .
Contest Entry: Sacred Bull
« Reply #14 on: October 23, 2005, 06:05:27 am »
Go away, nobody likes you.