With almost no editing, I present: my reactions to the Twilight film, as they happened.

1. Oh Jesus Christ, this film is nearly 2 hours long. 2 WHOLE HOURS.

2. Awkward father-daughter scene seems to be working well.

3. HOLY OBVIOUS CANINE INCISORS ON JACOB!

4. Dude, try not to be so obvious when looking at her crotch. For real.

5. Actually, just a guess, but is pretty much every scene with Bella in, where she has to interact with “real people” going to be awkward?

6. Wait, she hasn’t even been there a day and three guys are vying for her affections? Well, four if we include Obvious Werewolf boy. WTF? She’s cute, for sure (or would be if she smiled), but lets not kid ourselves here.

7. OMG your filler article ideas are GENIUS!

8. Informed character traits? The guy’s got weird eyebrows, and comes from a freaky family. And apparently doesn’t know how to do his hair properly. Where I come from, that’s asking for bullying, not causes for desirability.

9. Emo stare of doom at 10:15!

10. Is Edward constipated or something? He looks pained. And now like he’s gonna puke.

11. Hey Bella! I just totally got to talk to you about how wonderful you are, despite the fact we haven’t seen each other since you were a kid. My life is so fulfilled I’m trying to impress a 16 year old girl. Kill me now.

12. NO SAUCE FOR YOU

13. Jesus girl. 4 guys come onto you in one day, people fawning over you at lunch, and just one blew you out. Actually, that’s quite realistic, I remember how INFURIATINGLY IRRATIONAL girls were at school as well.

14. Emo stare of doom/constipation at 13:45

15. Maybe he’s not showing up because your presence makes him physically ill/constipated?

16. Wow, those OHSA guys are rough. That’ll teach that guy to operate heavy machinery at a factory on his own.

17. SPAAAAAAAARRRRRTAAAAAAAA!

18. Constipated stare at 16:41. He’s gonna have to shit that sometime.

19. You ARE from Arizona, darling. Moving to Rainsville, Population: Wet may just be a little weird for you. And its not like you’re helping the conversation any.

20. Credit to the actors, they’re both good at awkward, slightly tense conversation.

21. No, you have discovered his shameful secret. His eyes change colour in relation to environmental conditions!

22. The look on her face is priceless. “How dare he walk away from me? Him and his colour changing eyes!”

23. Is that Dr Chase’s evil twin? And how the fuck does everyone know who Bella is, considering she last visited when she was 4?

23. Never mind he pushed a sliding car away with his hand, no, just note he’s really fast!

24. You could always thank him for saving his life, instead of berating him, you know.

25. Oh at last! He only needed to specifically ask you for it.

26. Ah, the first creepy stalker scene. How romantic.

27. Smooth, girl. Just ignore the guy who actually wants to be your friend. Niiiiiiiice.

28. Constipated stare at 27:17

29. I too find mysterious hints and abilities deter people from investigating me.

30. It means he wants to be your friend, but he thinks its better if he’s not. You know, just like he said. Were you dropped on your head as a child or something?

31. If you’re the bad guy, you suck at it. Saving girls and looking constipated is not evil.

32. Wait, you see a guy twice and you ask if he’s stalking you. Some guy watches you as you sleep, and you wanna let him bone you. WTF? I AM GETTING MIXED SIGNALS HERE.

33. Blatantly gonna die. He’s drinking and operating machinery. That’s BAD.

34. Hey, stop wangsting and, you know, interact with your friends. I know it must be terrible, them taking up your valuable wangst time, but come on now.

35. Even potential rapists know her name. WTF?

36. Growling isn’t scary, sorry. No, its not. Its just NOT.

37. Constipated and 42:48

38. Yes, he’s stalking you.

39. Is this because she’s a vacuous twit? Is that why she can’t have her mind read?

40. Edward, its always about Bella. Get with the program.

41. Constipated stare at 44:12

42. No “thank you for stopping my potential rapists”? Or even “thanks for the ride”?

43. Well I’m spooked. He’s a shiny, sparkling vampire. Who’s a killer, apparently, despite having not actually killed anything thus far, and going out of his way to save a girl twice for no reason.

44. Wangst time.

45. I think killing people might matter. Just a little bit. Especially when he confesses to wanting to kill you.

46. She’s so unique and wonderful, even her smell is special.

47. Stop wangsting and kiss her, for god’s sake.

48. Constipation stare is contagious at 56 mins

49. Well aren’t you just the sweetest little contender for a Darwin Award?

50. Ah, obvious foreshadowing.

51. Stop wangsting about being a monster.

52. Ah, some self-aware irony. Its like a breath of fresh air.

53. Nice place.

54. You could say thank you, since they’re cooking a meal for you. Did no-one teach this child manners?

55. Jasper seems to have caught the constipated stare as well, at roughly 1:06

56. Mutual constipated stares at 1:08:30 or so

57. Tree-climbing eh? Yeah, real scary…when you’re eight.

58. No, he’s a stalker. Well, he might be smart too, I guess.

59. “I like watching you sleep”…Clarice.

60. Constipated post-kissing stare at 1:15:55

61. Potential for humour with loaded gun/intentions towards my daughter speech averted, sadly.

62. Best thing about this film so far, the soundtrack. Unfortunately, this means Muse will forever be associated with this rubbish.

63. Clearly these are the bad guys. Because sucky music has come on.

64. Stop being a pussy, you outnumber them two to one, and you have bats.

65. James looks, uh, kinda retarded.

66. Have you guys heard of mobile phones? You could, like, call your father and one of the Cullens, and arrange for them to get him out of there.

67. To be honest Dad, the switch from love to hate that quickly is pretty much typical at that age. And within that time frame.

68. Wait, you’re running away, and leaving your Dad to get killed by a vampire? And not only that, you’re hurting his feelings in the process. So he’ll die alone, thinking his daughter hates him. Niiiiice.

69. Bonus points: use the same excuses your mum did for leaving him. Knowingly. Awesome.

70. So you’ve now divided your forces and the tracker has eluded your trick. Well done. You’re idiots. You didn’t think about perhaps picking an area you knew really well, like your house, and fortifying it, and killing the fuck out of him the moment he appeared?

71. Going off to face a murderous vampire alone and unarmed. Even after researching the fuck out of them and presumably knowing their weaknesses. Brilliant. 10/10, would certainly plot this stupidity again, etc

72. Put it on Youtube dude. I dare ya!

73. Uh oh, villain monologue time.

74. Wait, the big bad can be killed by one weedy vampire alone? Why didn’t they whack him the moment Edward knew he was obsessed with hunting Bella? Is he some sort of idiot.

75. Geez, make the vampirism/sex analogy MORE obvious why don’t you? I don’t think she’s moaning or bouncing up and down quite enough.

76. And the orgasm, uh, I mean, cleansing of the blood. Yeah, I totally meant that.

77. Well, the falling is kinda believable. She is clumsy as fuck.

78. No, the worst part was the wangst.

79. Not a nine millimetre? What sort of slightly paranoid and overprotective father are you?

80. You’re not curious as to why he wants you to break up with Edward? Not even a little bit? No wonder no-one can read your mind…NOTHING IS GOING ON IN THERE.

81. *hand signals*

82. Christ, can either of you stop wangsting for even five minutes?

83. You could just get a tattoo, if you wanted to make a bad, permanent decision at too young an age.

84. Oh thank God, this is the end…at least until the sequel. Blargh!