by Princess Unicornia and Reverend Loveshade

This holy ritual was discovered by members of the Society for Creative Anachronism, which stubbornly insists it is not a division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild. (The SCA was founded on the anniversary of the Bavarian Illuminati in 1966 in California, just one year after Principia Discordia was first published in California, which sounds mighty suspicious to us). The ritual has five steps, naturally.

1. Someone, the Lemon Clover, inserts cloves into a fresh lemon (or some other fruit, in which case this person is the Some Other Fruit Clover. But pucker-inducing lemons generally work best). Making a pattern with the cloves is optional. Possible patterns include a heart, smiley face, the number five, the Sacred Chao, or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. It’s generally best to prepare the lemon shortly before the game begins, although the cloved lemon can be refrigerated for a short while.

2. One person, the Giver, hands the cloved lemon to someone e would like to kiss, called the Receiver. Usually this is done at a party or other get-together, except funerals. The game generally happens while other things are going on, sometimes continuing through a whole party.

3. The Receiver then takes a clove out with es teeth to freshen es breath. If the Receiver doesn’t like the taste of cloves, e may use es hand. If played in a hot tub, declare a non-breakable container to be the Sacred Used Clove Receptacle. If played anywhere else, a clove may be deposited wherever is appropriate, as swallowing cloves can be pretty nasty.

4. The Receiver indicates the body part the Giver may kiss by offering that body part to the Giver and/or pointing to it. Usual locations are the hand, cheek, lips, open mouth/tongue. Unusual locations are left to the imagination. However, the nature of the kiss should always be mutually agreeable. The Giver should be gracious, even if the kiss is less intimate than e desired.

5. The Receiver now becomes the Giver, and goes to Step 2. This continues until your lemon runs out of cloves (in which case you may either end the game or go to Step 1), or players run out of body parts. (But body parts, unlike cloves, are reusable. And rekissible.)