Random News Stories

[Eater of Clowns]

Average Time Spent Being Happy Drops To 13 Seconds Per Day

BERKELEY, CA—A study published in the latest issue of the Journal Of Social Sciences revealed that the amount of time spent being happy has dropped to an all-time low of 13 nonconsecutive seconds per day. "According to our data, the average American experiences a 0.8-second window of happiness upon awakening, before remembering that they're conscious beings in a relentlessly bleak and numbing world," said Dr. Derek Moore, lead author of the paper. "Other periods of happiness include 1.9 seconds after a good meal; 0.6 seconds upon receiving a paycheck; 1.1 seconds following completion of a scientific study; and the 2.5 seconds approaching orgasm, just before the guilt sets in." Researchers also recorded the smallest period of contentment yet, a 3.7-millisecond interval preceding the realization that one was experiencing happiness and that it could not possibly last.

source

Reading that made me genuinely happy for at least a minute. "Before remembering that they're conscious beings in a relentlessly bleak and numbing world."  Damn, good stuff.

[Cramulus]

Earthquakes are caused by promiscuous women
http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-promiscuous-women-case-earthquakes/

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Goddamn, I want one of those "admit one" belts!

[East Coast Hustle]

Earthquakes are caused by promiscuous women
http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-promiscuous-women-case-earthquakes/

so by that logic, there are higher concentrations of promiscuous women in areas that have more earthquakes.

also, by that logic, there should be earthquakes IN MY PANCE.

[Iason Ouabache]

Earthquakes are caused by promiscuous women
http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-promiscuous-women-case-earthquakes/

so by that logic, there are higher concentrations of promiscuous women in areas that have more earthquakes.

also, by that logic, there should be earthquakes IN MY PANCE.

There are some ladies out there willing to test this theory:

http://www.blaghag.com/2010/04/in-name-of-science-i-offer-my-boobs.html

On Monday, April 26th, I will wear the most cleavage-showing shirt I own. Yes, the one usually reserved for a night on the town. I encourage other female skeptics to join me and embrace the supposed supernatural power of their breasts. Or short shorts, if that's your preferred form of immodesty. With the power of our scandalous bodies combined, we should surely produce an earthquake. If not, I'm sure Sedighi can come up with a rational explanation for why the ground didn't rumble. And if we really get through to him, maybe it'll be one involving plate tectonics.

[NWC]

Lady gets hit by lightning right before her boyfriend was going to propose: http://www.digtriad.com/news/local_state/article.aspx?storyid=143375


NOT COOL. This guy should devote his life to helping that crazy scientist guy build his tower that takes drunken rage swings at thunderstorms.


Actually, everyone should devote their lives to building such towers.

[BabylonHoruv]

Earthquakes are caused by promiscuous women
http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-promiscuous-women-case-earthquakes/

so by that logic, there are higher concentrations of promiscuous women in areas that have more earthquakes.

also, by that logic, there should be earthquakes IN MY PANCE.

California, yes

Alaska, no.  Well, I guess a higher proportion of the women are promiscuous, but the male to female ratio is like 15 to 1.

[NWC]

Took me way too long to figure out that this was a real article:

http://www.dailytech.com/Goatse+Finds+Reveals+Another+Gaping+Hole+in+iPad+This+Time+in+Safari/article18723.htm

SFW, I think

[Hoser McRhizzy]

Woman ruptures throat blowing into vuvuzela

Yvonne Mayer: I thought I was blowing it right, but perhaps I was trying too hard... [M]y experience has proven they can be dangerous if underestimated.

............
Maybe a repost: Man moons Hell's Angels, throws a puppy at them, and makes his getaway in a bulldozer! 

[Rumckle]

Police Raid Bar After Woman Mistaken For Justin Beiber

[Remington]

Have your face recorded and logged by Unilever, and they will give you ice cream

If you happen to be going to Cannes this summer (and, really, if you aren't, you should be) mega-conglomerate Unilever is ready to tempt you with a treat straight out of Minority Report. The company has set up a vending machine that lets anyone who walks by score some free ice cream. The price? Just smile for the machine's facial recognition software, which will determine your age, gender and emotion. Only the most happy will get ice cream. The rest? We don't really know, but we seem to remember something having to do with stolen eyeballs that can be used to trick such systems.

The "Share Happy" machine can sense when it's being approached, and "captures and measures your smile 15 times a second, and when it's wide enough, rewards you with ice cream." Once you hit the jackpot, you can share your winning smile with friends via Facebook. As to who Unilever's sharing it with, and what they're doing with it, we can only imagine. But, hey, free ice cream seems like a fair price for helping educate the smart machines and help them build their dossier, right?

[Triple Zero]

Have your face recorded and logged by Unilever, and they will give you ice cream

If you happen to be going to Cannes this summer (and, really, if you aren't, you should be) mega-conglomerate Unilever is ready to tempt you with a treat straight out of Minority Report. The company has set up a vending machine that lets anyone who walks by score some free ice cream. The price? Just smile for the machine's facial recognition software, which will determine your age, gender and emotion. Only the most happy will get ice cream. The rest? We don't really know, but we seem to remember something having to do with stolen eyeballs that can be used to trick such systems.

The "Share Happy" machine can sense when it's being approached, and "captures and measures your smile 15 times a second, and when it's wide enough, rewards you with ice cream." Once you hit the jackpot, you can share your winning smile with friends via Facebook. As to who Unilever's sharing it with, and what they're doing with it, we can only imagine. But, hey, free ice cream seems like a fair price for helping educate the smart machines and help them build their dossier, right?

HMMmmmmmmmm I have a bunch of mixed thoughts on this

Actually, you can do that without ever needing to log the photograph. Of course you couldn't share it via Facebook, then.

But this is a bit of a dumb report like that, they freak out because "ooohhhh MINORITY REPORT the machine is doing FACE RECOGNITION", but smile recognition is one of the more easier things. At least, I guess it must be, because my mom's digital camera has it. It holds off snapping the pic until the smile scores high enough. We tried it with a number of grins and frowns, it was surprisingly effective. Especially good results on the more subtle part of the scale, if someone isn't aware their picture is being taken and doesn't "pose" or is busy talking, it will take the pic at the exact moment the person is smiling, even if it's just for a flash of a second. It actually makes people appear more photogenic!

Well, I thought that is pretty awesome. Oh I might post some of those frown/grin faces to spagbook if y'r interested. (It's just me making faces)

Anyway, the real privacy implications is that it will upload those pics to Facebook. Except that, to be fair, depending on what the app exactly does, it might be no worse than the other stuff you're sharing via Facebook already. Since you already put pics up there [and they won't be as good since they won't be taken with smile detection].
So the real bad thing is that the Unilever app will get some info about you and your friends. But Unilever isn't really in the business of datamining social networks. So I assume the data goes to whatever social media advertising company they hired for this stunt. Except that, I think (correct me if I'm wrong) privacy law would forbid such a third party from storing that data without explicitly notifying the user.

So it's mostly Facebook itself that will be getting more privacy-sensitive data from this stunt. But they don't need to give away free icecream to entice people to give up their data

Maybe I'm partial, because I think it's a pretty good marketing stunt and what it's doing is significantly less bad than what Facebook is doing already, privacy-wise. It's really reall clever:

You get people to smile, while thinking of Unilever icecream. Smiling on purpose causes you to feel happy because of mirror neurons and basically you are now anchoring this feeling to Unilever icecream. FUCKING BRILLIANT, I say!
And there's one more. Taking the picture of the very happy smiling person, overlaying it with the Unilever icecream logo, and sharing with their friends --> Instant personalized brand recommendation! STRIKE TWO!

Seriously, just for coming up with that shit, I might let the privacy slide for a bit. I am AMAZE. And it helps I'm not on Facebook and won't be bothered by this poop.

Oh and I bolded the bit about eyeballs because it was funny.

[Telarus]

Trip,

I agree. Once the 3 parts of the memetic structure came together for me, I was all WTF thatscarybrilliant. Note that this memetic marketing can be done by some dude in a uniform for $10 an hour, but they just went and built a robot to do it. s-c-a-r-y-b-r-i-l-l-i-a-n-t

[Cramulus]

Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon

GOTHAM CITY—Supervillain Lady Gaga brazenly abducted Commis≠sioner James Gordon from a charity fundraiser Tuesday, leaving police baffled and the citizens of Gotham fearing for their safety. Known for her outlandish costumes and geometric polygon hair, the criminal mad≠woman made a daring escape from Arkham Asylum last week and has been taunting authorities by interrupting television broadcasts ever since. "If you ever want to see Commissioner Gordon again, you'll do exactly as I say," Lady Gaga said from her secret lair, adjusting her angular yellow Tyvek and spandex dress as henchmen danced menacingly around the bound commissioner. While the kidnapping occurred at stately Wayne Manor, home of playboy jet-setter Bruce Wayne, the eccentric billionaire was not available for comment.

[Jasper]

You know, I thought the Onion was supposed to do somewhat hard to believe stuff.  It's getting to where I can't be totally sure it's from them.

(If they didn't mention Arkham, Gordon, or B. Wayne, I'd almost have bought it.)