Working Title

[Idem]

I've been trying to work in elements of the BIP into this thing, actually.

I forgot to add the barstool into any of the bar sequences - oh well, I'll do that later.   

[Payne]

You should get a hawt woman to do it. Fuck up his idea of sex for the rest of his life...

[LMNO]

A few things:

1. First sentence is fucked up syntax.  Consider revising.

2. With the small rusted shacks, are you implying that outside the main cities, there are shanty towns/slums?  if so, more description of that.

3. I find it unusual that the people Outside would dress in the same manner as those Inside, if for no other reason than easy recognition of escapees.

4. I also find it unusual that the monetary systems, or financial transactions, would also be the same.  I was expecting them to order some food, and then be expected to pay for it.

5.  Good job of adding the "stick apart" idea.

[Idem]

A few things:

1. First sentence is fucked up syntax.  Consider revising.

2. With the small rusted shacks, are you implying that outside the main cities, there are shanty towns/slums?  if so, more description of that.

3. I find it unusual that the people Outside would dress in the same manner as those Inside, if for no other reason than easy recognition of escapees.

4. I also find it unusual that the monetary systems, or financial transactions, would also be the same.  I was expecting them to order some food, and then be expected to pay for it.

5.  Good job of adding the "stick apart" idea.

1.  Okay.

2.  Alright.  They were basically just toolsheds, but I'll imply that in an edit.

3.  Revealed later

4.  Credits are a rather universal transaction in this thing, I'll imply that they paid with credits, but there will be more on that later as well.

[DJRubberducky]

If they're paying with credits, that is a far too fucking easy way for them to be tracked down.  By which I mean I will be seriously disappointed if nobody does track them down, or at the very least the punchline is that they were really not all that important of people to begin with.

[Idem]

"Credits" The name currently being given to any currency being given.  Not necesarilly electronic.  A total system of electronic credits is implausible at the given time.  (No electronic system is foolproof)

Just giving a generic name to the currency used at the moment.

Also, remember, as far as we are concerned, the state (or Bourns) is too busy searching the complex for them now; it has not been a long while since they left, so the complex doesn't jump to conclusions.  That'ws why they have to leave locally ASAP, so theyve left by the time the public knows what to look for.

[Idem]

PART TEN

After his leave, I tried to stay calm, relax, eat, and drink.  I knew I had a bit of time to enjoy myself, no matter how short it was (the state was probably still looking for me in the complex) and used it.  A woman next to me coughed loudly several times, then sneezed, and after a while I turned to look at her.  Another woman grabbed her shoulder.

   ,ÄúA cold?,Äù

   ,ÄúI,Äôm afraid so.  I,Äôve been like this since morning and-,Äù

   ,ÄúAh!  But have you not hear?  Bourns can cure that now, you know - and with a simple pill, at that!  A cure for the common cold in but a pill!,Äù

   I then turned back, facing my food (which, may I add, tasted much better than at the complex), and began giggling.  I felt like cackling like a madman, but had to contain it.

   ,ÄúThe common cold - Ha!,Äù  I muttered, as I paid my bill and left the bar, promptly.  I stumbled outside, without any plans of what to do; the only thought on my mind was the maniacal laughter.  It engrossed me; I seldom laughed in my entire life, and never as hard as this!

   ,ÄúI did it for the state... Bourns, after all!  I sacrificed my knowledge so these rich bastards could be spared a mild inconvenience,Ķ Ha!,Äù

   And then, I realized, I was laughing at myself.  I was laughing at my own ignorance, my own stupidity.  It was my fault - not Bourns,Äô - that I let anything out.  I gave them the cure to this incredibly minor thing - by my own free will.  The people?  Hell!  These weren,Äôt people, they were something beyond  people.  Something of human form, but not of human will - I hated them so much that I felt like killing them.  Then, however, I realized something else:  They were laughing at me.  They were laughing their asses off at me, and I had been oblivious all along.  I knew exactly what Ronald,Äôs ramblings were about, now.  I had always felt it awkward, listening to the drunkard and swallowing every word - but now I knew exactly how he felt - about the outside, about the world, about everything.

   I felt unclean.  I needed to leave the place, and go far away.  I hurriedly found a map, at some convenience store across from the refreshment area, and left.  Surprisingly to me, there were very few cities on it, and it accordingly was of the entire territory, but I decided to go east, which the end of which was further away, and where varied cities dotted a great expanse of water.

   I was dumbfounded as to how to travel, though.  I did know that the transport trucks I oh-so-heavily relied upon were plentiful, and they went in all directions.  I saw them coming and going very frequently, and the pedestrian car was a rare sight.  So, I took a gamble, and snuck into a truck,Äôs hold, that I knew was heading in the westerly direction.

[Payne]

I take it you've got your story planned out now? I'm still struggling to get my story sorted, I'm considering just posting anyway, and fuck the inconsistancies, but I'm too much of a self-critic for that.

This was quite a small piece, but that's cool. A few typos again, but you're pretty handy with the edit button anyways...

Keep 'em coming.

[Idem]

I take it you've got your story planned out now?

Pretty sure I do.
And I guess that one part's purpose was specifically to get to a specific point - more tomorrow.

As for your work...
I couldnt tell ya, I guess I'd just go along with it.  I'm definitely no literary critic.   

[Idem]

Oh, I just saw that youre posting it in bring and brag, I'll go look

[Idem]

Anyway, so far, what do you guys think of it?  i.e., readable, interesting, etc... it's style?

Just wondering.'


Also, I've made some edits into a word document, but have yet to integrate them into the forum version.

[LMNO]

I'm not feeling the reason for the narrator's revelation.  I know that he's supposed to be going through an arc of loyalty to the state to free thinker, but I'm just not feeling it, y'know?

Like, when he wants to cackle at the woman with the cold.  I don't get the reason why.

[Idem]

He was the one who invented the cure for the cold.  Tried keeping it, but eventually handed it over(When the hierarchy told him that 'many people suffer from this on the outside, etc etc).

So, really, by divulging that info, all he did was spare the rich a very minor inconvenience.  While he thought he was relieving the major suffering of many.  He was laughing at himself for doing that, basically.


But I suppose I should be going back... add more detail, maybe rewrite some parts... make the reader, perhaps, feel more convinced.


Perhaps doing it in the first person was a flaw... many literary experts admonish against doing that, and it is more awkward, because the reader is putting him/herself in he writer's shoes.

[LMNO]

Oh, I see.   The "virus" that the narrator was working on was a common cold.  Gotcha.  Needs more dissillusionment.



BTW, sorry if all this sounds harsh.  I like the story, its tone, and its feel.  Don't give up on it.

[Idem]

I'm sorry - I've been incredibly busy recently.

Next part tomorrow.  Definitely tomorrow.