Mental masturbation

[Shit]

"Pop a couple pills and get laid does not mean take two guns and kill everything you can." -Virginia Tech school counselor in response to police questioning

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." -Carl Jung to Sigmund Freud

"The ego's connection to the larynx is conflated by unconscious phallic masochism of the id's tyranny, thus serving to strengthen super-egoic identification with defecation, that conscience may be born." -Sigmund Freud in response to Carl Jung

"If you're depressed, you're probably too high up in your head." -Carl Jung in response to Sigmund Freud

"I've contemplated suicide more often than my patients have." -Sigmund Freud in response to Carl Jung

"See.  Sharing is caring, kids."  -Barney the purple dinosaur escort service several hours later after relieving tensions between the two purported psychiatrists.

"Don't knock masturbation.  It's sex with someone I love."  -Woody Allen

"The psychology of a good mindfuck requires a perfect balance of love, war, sanity, insanity, and flowers hidden in a latex coated fake bomb." Trojan Man in a private conversation with Benaclypse.


Think unselfishly too, Schmuck.  If you don't factor the rest of the world into the equation of this jellyfish you call a self, your very own mindfucks will be aborted by a good Christian soldier or worse yet, an atheist with bigger cahunas and a sexier Goddess.  Your meanderings in mental masturbation and pissing while you whistle make great fun for Eriskind, but it's only making fun of you if you cum in the toilet and leave the seat up.  Eris gets pissed off too, but at least She respects the art of wondering why we inspect our feces before we flush.  Mindfuck becomes mindrape when all illusions of love are absent from the chemical imbalance, and Eris will gladly escort you into the stead of Grayface if you brag too much about wearing other peoples' body parts as necklace trinkets after having evolved enough to be able to fellatio yourself (could happen).  If go fuck yourself means don't fuck with me, then shut the fuck up means tell me your whole fucking life's story, after which you instead share with us the entire world's DNA sequence, then flush it down the toilet and still neglect to put the seat down.  Such is the sad and lonely way of mental masturbation, when what we really need is to go to a party and get laid instead.  Salivation would be at hand if the punch were spiked with bukake instead of the toilet, but no, instead we have to be drugged on the toilet water.  Some prank.  Red food dye, cigarette butts, and the game pieces from "The Game of Life" board game mixed in with the flooding mechanism does not make the toilet any less full of shit and who knows what else, but at least it's reaching out to people in a way that they can understand, if not respect.  The morale of this lecture is that a proper devil is either selfish enough to be unselfish or so selfish that they're unselfish, meaning that instead of intellectually raping the world, wear a chastity belt on those blue jeans and spit on them so that you can get back to not raping your other sexy lover.  Or, do whatever.

"I promise no sex scandal -- just look at me!" -G Dub Bush, teh prez


The opinions and views expressed by this author were entirely metaphorical and have no known basis in reality, but he meant it when he winked.  He really did have an eyelash tickling his iris, let alone his pupil.

Edit: This post was edited by the phantom plunger in year zero for inperfection