Jesus was a Discordian 100% proof inside.

[Z³]

The Second Coming  by The Reverend  

Inspired by my 2002 Holiday Movie Extravaganza, in which I took a cursory glance at Reverend Tim LaHaye's batshit crazy end-times fiction, I began to craft my own Christian end-'o-the-world spectacular. My vision was simple: to take the basic elements of Christian apocalypse mythology and fuse it with the kind of big-budget, high-action fare we have come to expect from the beloved American film industry. The result is an action packed, tour de force blockbuster that will keep you on the edge of your seat, and possibly fulfill many other low-rent critical cliches. Without further blathering...



EXT. GOLGOTHA, 32 A.D. -- DAY

The hot sun beats down on Roman soldiers as they pull steadily at ropes, hoisting something into the sky. Rising over the desolate terrain of Golgotha is a cross, and nailed to it is a man, a man named JESUS CHRIST. He bleeds copiously from a crown of thorns and a mess of wicked-looking knife wounds. A weary but excited crowd surrounds the site as Jesus Christ is lifted between two unfortunately thieves, secured on crucifixes of their own, to die.



ROMAN CENTURION
(approaching the crucified Christ)

Have any last words before we leaves you up here ta die, boy?


The Centurion spits.

Jesus looks up, a knowing smirk on his face despite the pain. He stares defiantly at the Centurion, his face caked with blood.


JESUS CHRIST
...I'll be back...



The son of God falls limp, dead. Some stuff happens that you probably learned about in Sunday School, like thunder, and lightning, and frogs falling from the sky. I don't know, I didn't go to Sunday School.

CUT TO:
INT. CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, 2000 A.D. - NIGHT

NORAD is bustling with frenetic activity as we see the Defense Condition monitor change from 3 to 2. Something is terribly wrong. GENERAL BUCK McSQUARECHIN, a large, square-chinned man, bursts into the command room followed by an entourage of chattering military toadies.



MILITARY OFFICER 1
(reading from a printout)

It entered Italian airspace at approximately 0700 hours, impacting a few miles west of Rome. We're still waiting on more detailed information from European Space Command.



MILITARY OFFICER 2

The object was relatively small, however the data we've been able to recover from satellites is... well...

GEN. BUCK McSQUARECHIN
(annoyed, chomping down on his unlit cigar)

Cut the gibberin' boys, what the Hell are we dealing with here!?
The trio strides to the main monitor, a gigantic screen that shows all kinds of cool stuff. It glows ominously, and beeps randomly.


MAIN MONITOR

Beep. Boop. Boop-beep! BEEP BEEP BEEP!

MILITARY OFFICER 1
(addressing some pasty, no-chin computer geek on a terminal)

Bring up the data from satellite number one.
The screen shows a solitary ball of fire careening out of deep space, growing ever larger as it approaches the satellite. At the last minute, seconds before impact, we see that inside the ball of fire is a man. We recognize his face: it's Jesus Christ. The satellite data turns to static.


MILITARY OFFICER 1

...at this point we lost the feed, but as you can clearly see...



MILITARY OFFICER 2
(interrupting)

...it appears that we're dealing with... Jesus, General McSquarechin.


The room falls silent. Only the beeping of the beeping machines can be heard. Then...


GEN. McSQUARECHIN
(shocked and horrified)

My... God... (shouting) Get me the President, now!
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT

The Oval Office looks like... well... the Oval Office. There are some chairs, and I think there's a rug. You've seen the West Wing, you know what it looks like. PRESIDENT ACE HARDASS stands behind his desk, fully dressed despite it being 4 A.M., on the phone with General Buck McSquarechin. The President is holding his head.



THE PRESIDENT

We knew this day would come, General. (dramatic pause) Go to DefCon 1.

CUT TO:


CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN COMMAND

General Buck McSquarechin is on the phone with the President. Guys are running around all crazy and the giant screen shows a map of the earth with stuff highlighted and all kinds of important looking words all over the place. And it beeps a lot, like everything else in the Command Center.


GENERAL McSQUARECHIN
(teeth clenched on stogie)

(shouting) We're at DefCon 1 people! (turning back to the phone) So this is it Mr. President? After all this time?

CUT TO:


OVAL OFFICE

The President is still on the phone with General McSquarechin. He's about to answer the General's question.


THE PRESIDENT

I'm afraid so. (dramatic pause) Commence OPERATION: KILL JESUS.

CUT TO:
EXT. JESUS' LANDING SITE OUTSIDE ROME - NIGHT

In the middle of a field west of Rome is a fresh crater, still smoking from the tremendous impact. A full battalion of soldiers surround the site, fully armed and ready for anything. Except this. As the smoke clears we see a lone figure making his way out of the crater: it is Jesus. The wicked-looking knife wounds are gone, now replaced by wicked-looking knife scars. His loincloth flaps in the wind.



JESUS CHRIST
(looks at the army standing against him, then strikes a totally gnarly Kung Fu pose)

(whispering) I told you I'd be back... and now it's time to kick some ass!


Jesus flings himself at the enemy soldiers, knocking them away like children with a flurry of Kung Fu kicks...
[...]

INT. USS WILLIE NELSON - EVENING

Tension on the bridge is palpable. Jesus is making his way across the Atlantic ocean. CAPTAIN MACK IRONHEAD knows that he is the last line of defense between Jesus and America. He surveys the horizon with binoculars.



CAPTAIN MACK IRONHEAD
(chomping on cigar butt)

I can't stand all this waiting! Why won't that bastard hurry up and show!?


Then, a lone ensign speaks up.


LONE ENSIGN

C-captain! L-look! (points to East)


On the eastern horizon we see the hints of a glowing light, like a rising sun. Or in this case, a rising SON. We see Jesus come striding over the horizon, surrounded in the nimbus of flame he accquired after his titanic battle with the vicious Cyborg-Pope.


CAPTAIN IRONHEAD

(shouting into intercom) Man battlestations!

CUT TO:
EXT. ATLANTIC OCEAN - EVENING

Outside we see the prize warships of the U.S. fleet, turning their massive guns on the figure rapidly approaching from the East.


CUT TO:
INT. USS WILLIE NELSON - EVENING

Jesus gets closer and closer. The crew looks nervously to Captain Ironhead.


CAPTAIN IRONHEAD

Wait...


Jesus draws closer...


CAPTAIN IRONHEAD

Wait...


Jesus draws closer... suddenly...

CUT TO:


HIGH ABOVE U.S. FLEET

An explosion cuts through the night as a column of flame erupts from the guns of the USS AOL-VERIZON.


CUT TO:


JESUS, watching as the volley of shells arches towards him. Suddenly he rushes at the USS AOL-VERIZON at holy speed, slamming into its hull with his fiery body as the shells explode harmlessly in the distance. Jesus emerges from the other side of the vessel, which begins to take in water through its white hot gash. Jesus stands astride the water triumphantly holding the legendary sword EXCALIBUR high above his head, still ringing with the titanic blow it struck against the offending vessel.

JESUS

Let he who is without sin... kiss my ass!
Jesus charges the next ship like some kind of crazy samurai guy.


CUT TO:


THE USS WILLIE NELSON


CAPTAIN IRONHEAD

No! There was still a chance... for peace...
[. . .]

EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - DAY

Washington D.C is in ruins. The Washington monument lay in two pieces from where Jesus broke it in half to batter down the White House gate. President Hardass, Chunk Noneck and Tanya Bigjugs stand in the ruined Mall, next to the lifeless corpse of Jesus Christ.



PRESIDENT HARDASS

Who'd have thought that Jesus would finally be defeated by our own common Earth microbes, against which his supernatural physiology had no defense!



TANYA BIGJUGS
(vaccuous but large-chestedly)

So finally Jesus' reign of terror comes to an end.



CHUNK NONECK
(waxing philosophic)

Yes, but at what cost?

THE END
...?

[Abou-Jesus]

He banged mary...'nuff said.

And she remained a virgin?  Wasn't it artificial insemination?

[Cain]

And BUMP

[LMNO]

Holy fuck.


You've captured almost all of the spaggiest spags from Ye Olden Tymes in a single thread.


Your genius is terrifying.

[Prelate Diogenes Shandor]

Speaking of Christianity, I have a pointer for any of you who tend to get into a lot of arguments with religious fundamentalists. Namely, you should memorize as much of the Book of Ecclesiastes as you can, as it provides counterpoints and refutations to many of the parts of the Bible that the more pompous fundamentalists are prone to quoting, yet it itself is in the Bible, so the fundamentalists can't contest it.
To give a few excerpts;

Ecclesiastes 2:16 For there is no remembrance of the wise more than of the fool for ever; seeing that which now is in the days to come shall all be forgotten. And how dieth the wise man? as the fool.

Ecclesiastes 3:16 And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there.

Ecclesiastes 3:18 I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.

Ecclesiastes 3:19 For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.

Ecclesiastes 6:6 Yea, though he live a thousand years twice told, yet hath he seen no good: do not all go to one place?

Ecclesiastes 9:2 All things come alike to all: there is one event to the righteous, and to the wicked; to the good and to the clean, and to the unclean; to him that sacrificeth, and to him that sacrificeth not: as is the good, so is the sinner; and he that sweareth, as he that feareth an oath.

Ecclesiastes 9:5 For the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not any thing, neither have they any more a reward; for the memory of them is forgotten.

Ecclesiastes 9:10 Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest.

(cf. Book of the SubGenius, "don't just eat a Hamburger, eat the hell out of it!")

Ecclesiastes 10:19 A feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry: but money answereth all things.

Ecclesiastes 7:15 All things have I seen in the days of my vanity: there is a just man that perisheth in his righteousness, and there is a wicked man that prolongeth his life in his wickedness.

Ecclesiastes 7:16 Be not righteous over much; neither make thyself over wise: why shouldest thou destroy thyself ?

I'd just like to repeat that last one again for emphasis...

Ecclesiastes 7:16 Be not righteous over much; neither make thyself over wise: why shouldest thou destroy thyself ?

[/size]

[Prelate Diogenes Shandor]

Oh, and by the way, if not a Discordian, Jesus of Nazerith definitely at least qualifies as a hippie:

*He had long hair and wore sandals.
*He rebelled against the establishment.
*He spent all of his time preaching about peace and love.
*He spoke out against materialism.
*And finally, While, as far as we know, he didn't smoke or distribute marajuana, he did open the eyes of the blind, and that's kind of like distributing marajuana......

[Cramulus]

THIS THREAD MAKES ME WANT TO SHIT BABIES

[Requia ☣]

*And finally, While, as far as we know, he didn't smoke or distribute marajuana, he did open the eyes of the blind, and that's kind of like distributing marajuana......

Supposedly the Apocryphal texts place him in Egypt for part of his life, thats where weed came from so...

[Cain]

Weed was commonly used all over the Middle East for thousands of years (which, incidentally, is one of the reasons given for the Assassin sect to not be named after their prolific drug use, since it was hardly unknown or uncommon at the time).

Also, Cram, assbabies? http://www.guba.com/watch/2000930807

[Cain]

The GNAA trolling group require you to watch that as a condition of membership.

[LMNO]

Not surprisingly, so does the Catholic Church.














[/running joke]

[Cain]

As is the Catholic "condoms exacerbate AIDS" Church.

[Cramulus]

Also, Cram, assbabies? http://www.guba.com/watch/2000930807

WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING
THIS IS AWESOME

[Cain]

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0274518/

This has a better rating than many Hollywood films (who seem to average 5.7)