A Dialog

[1Yacatismic1]

A Dialog
between Mr. Turtle, who is a Turtle,
and St. Gulik, who is a Roach,
concerning a Caterpillar's Praise to the Butterfly,
and other such Matters.

(NOTE: I DID NOT WRITE THIS, BUT THOUGHT IT BELONGED HERE. THIS WAS WRITTEN BY THE CABARET BRAINWASH)

Mr. Turtle: Well, hidey-ho, St. Gulik! What are you reading there?

St. Gulik: Oh, this old thing? It's the Principia Discordia.

Turtle: That's odd. I always thought it was a big old book, but that's just one piece of paper.

Gulik: It's printed on both sides, though.

Turtle: But still, it's not a lot. I thought the Principia explained absolutely everything worth knowing about absolutely anything.

Gulik: It does, but this is the fifth edition. It accomplishes all that with a lot less tree-flesh. Here, take a look.

[Mr. Turtle carefully peruses both sides, while St. Gulik adjusts his Roach Clip.]

Turtle: (after a few moments) Well, I understand the telegram, of course. That just stinks of Zen. But the title page... I don't get it.

Gulik: What's to get?

Turtle: The old one, the big one, it was also called "How I Found Goddess And What I Did To Her When I Found Her". It's always been called that. It's what our fathers called it, and their fathers before them.

Gulik: So?

Turtle: But now it's called "A Caterpillar's Praise to the Butterfly".

Gulik: It is.

Turtle: And now it claims to be the final statement of Mal-2. What's up with that?

Gulik: What do you think is up with that?

Turtle: Gosh, St. Gulik, I'm just a little turtle, but you're the Winged Messenger, the Opener of Ways, the Scavenger of the Crossroads. Surely you can reveal to me the wisdom of Mal-2.

Gulik: (sighs) OK, kid. But what's in it for me?

Turtle: Burnt offerings?

Gulik: Every day at 4:20 for a week. And munchies on my altar afterwards.

Turtle: You will have your sacrifice.

Gulik: Then I shall be your guide, though I may not walk the path for you.

Turtle: Oh, thank you, St. Gulik! Thank you!

Gulik: Whatever. Now listen, you know this is Mal-2's final word. He left this plane immediately after revealing the fifth edition. It was time for him to evolve, to grow into something new, because those who can't grow have the curse of Greyface eating them from inside.

Turtle: Oh, wait! I think I get it! He had to grow, like the caterpillar grows into the butterfly.

Gulik: Exactly. You're not as dumb as you pretend. But when he left this plane, he didn't need any earthly book to guide him. So why do you think he gave us a new title before he split?

Turtle: Could it be that he wanted us to grow, like he did? So Grayface wouldn't eat us from inside?

Gulik: Very good. Yes, he wanted us to see that we had to grow too, that we couldn't be satisfied repeating the old catma, but had to move on and challenge ourselves.

Turtle: Well, yes, I can see why we need to do that. But isn't it a bit drastic to rename the only book we have?

Gulik: Repeat the old subtitle for me.

Turtle: It was called "How I Found Goddess And What I Did To Her When I Found Her."

Gulik: And hasn't that ever struck you as odd?

Turtle: Well, it's true, it's always made me feel a little, you know- funny.

Gulik: And why's that?

Turtle: Well, she's a goddess, isn't she? So what does he think he *can* do to her? Shouldn't it be "What She Did To Me When I Found Her"?

Gulik: Yes, we all know what she can do to us if we attract her attention. Most of us know enough to keep a safe distance. But there's more than that, too.

Turtle: More?

Gulik: There's always more, isn't there? In this case, we'll need to peel away another layer. Do you remember what the Principia says about the ancient Greeks and their stories about Eris?

Turtle: They can't be trusted.

Gulik: And why not?

Turtle: I've never understood this. It says they were victims of indigestion, but I always thought that must be one of them POEEtic licenses.

Gulik: The Greeks did suffer indigestion, in some sense. They were a race of warriors, ruled by men and thunder gods, who swept down and conquered a less militant people. Those people treated women as equals, and worshipped goddesses over male deities. That's why Zeus raped every local goddess he got his hands on, and not a few mortal women as well.


Zeus: Can you believe this guy?
Turtle: (aghast) Raped? I thought he just had a lot of girlfriends.

Gulik: Well, they had to make it sound a little better. But every one of those stories covers up a crime of conquest and subordination. All the local goddesses were made subservient to the invaders' thunder god on his mountain.

Turtle: And so you're saying that the Greeks had indigestion because they had to swallow up a whole other culture?

Gulik: Exactly! You've been paying attention. Even though they swallowed the older religion, they couldn't keep it down. And that's why Eris kept coming back on them. They couldn't digest her. She was older than the gods, older than the titans, more powerful than any of their myths. So every time they belched her up, they tried to make her more palatable, easier on their stomachs. They made her a minor Olympian, sister and handmaiden to their awful god of war. They blamed her for all the strife and discord they carried within their own hearts.

Turtle: I can see I have a lot to think about. But what does this have to do with the Principia? The Greeks were long gone before Mal and Omar had their revelation.

Gulik: Were they? The Greeks stand at the beginning of Western civilization. Their ideas are still with us today. So if you can't trust the men of ancient Greece when it comes to goddesses, why should the men of twentieth- century America get a pass?

Turtle: But- but- but what about the hippies? What about feminism, and the Sexual Revolution? Mal and Omar weren't old-fashioned chauvinists. They were the dawn of a renaissance, a new era when all are equal!

Gulik: Yeah, kid. That makes a good story too. But do you think thirty years of feminism can undo thirty centuries of patriarchy?

Turtle: But we've come so far!

Gulik: Have we? Think about that title for a minute. You could take it a lot of ways, I suppose, but when a man talks about a woman and what he did to her, there's one implication you can't ignore. What do you suppose Mal meant by that?

Turtle: Gosh, I, um, well...

Gulik: I'm waiting.

Turtle: [blushes and mumbles]

Gulik: I caaan't heeeaaarr yooouuuu...

Turtle: SEX! He talking about sex, OK? I said it.

Gulik: And are they equals? Is he letting her share in the power of the act?

Turtle: (dejected) No, gosh darn it. He's doing it to her.

Gulik: Even though she's a goddess?

Turtle: Yes, but I don't see how he thinks he can. If I had sex with- I mean, if she had- I mean, if we got it on, me and Eris (blushes again)- how could I, a mortal turtle, do anything to her? We could share, if she chose to, but otherwise, no. I'd be in *her* power.

Gulik: So do you see what I'm saying? Do you see why Mal-2 thought that title showed where we needed to grow?

Turtle: Yes, I see that now. The caterpillar was the birth of a new culture, but it had a long way to go before it truly changed its form. I'm sure glad we've become the butterfly by now.

Gulik: Not so fast, kid. You think a lot has changed?

Turtle: I thought so, but I bet now you'll tell me different.

Gulik: Damn right. Eris appears again in Illuminatus, doesn't she?

Turtle: Yes, but she's the heroine. She saves the world.

Gulik: Fine, for one scene she makes with the goddess act. But the rest of the time, what function does she serve?

Turtle: I don't know. She's a crew member, and, um, she's on the sub, and, and...

Gulik: And tits and ass, right, kid? She's there to be a sexual object. She's there to inspire the male characters to action, because they think they might get some pussy. She's a sexpot, plain and simple. And we only see her through men's eyes. Of all the points of view in the book, all of them look at her through the eyes of men, and all of them see her as a target of their lust. Never once do we see these sad horny men through her eyes, do we?

Turtle: Well, fine. I didn't think about that. But that book's almost as old as the Principia. Surely in the time that's passed, we've come to see her with more respect.

Gulik: Respect? Let me tell you about respect. You go get on the internets and see what they say about her today.

Turtle: They talk a lot about chaos theory.

Gulik: Sure, and they talk a lot about her being a bitch, too.

Turtle: Well, I don't know...

Gulik: Of course you know. Go look around. Not everyone says it, but plenty of them do. Some of them seem to relish saying it every chance they get.

Turtle: OK, but isn't bitch a positive word these days? Hasn't it been reclaimed? Doesn't it stand for "Being in Total Control of Herself"?

Gulik: Sure thing, kid. You go up to your mom tomorrow and say "Hey, what's up, bitch?" Then tell me what part of your face gets reclaimed.

Turtle: My mom is pretty square, really. She wouldn,Äôt take it well. But lots of the guys who say it are modern, liberated men. I'm sure they mean it with respect.

Gulik: I wasn't aware it was men who needed liberating. If I hear a woman use it that way, fine. Her business. But coming from a man, no matter how sensitive and new age, I just don't buy it. He's being a little boy, gleefully grabbing a chance to say a naughty word, and he doesn't care how anyone but himself feels about it.

Turtle: Gosh, St. Gulik, you don't think much of people, do you?

Gulik: Not the human kind, kid. You're a cute vertebrate. Maybe you have a vested interest in thinking the whole species is sweetness and light. But I'm a roach. I crawl in the dark crevices of human society. I'll think better of them when they start thinking better of each other.

Turtle: Well, you're the Messenger. I guess you see more of people than I do. But if things are still so bad, what can we do?

Gulik: Read the new title again.

Turtle: Principia Discordia, or, A Caterpillar's Praise to the Butterfly.

Gulik: So what do you think we can do?

Turtle: Maybe we can start by praising the butterfly?

Gulik: It's a good start. Just because we don't know what we can become shouldn't stop us from trying.

Turtle: Well, gee. Thanks a lot, St. Gulik. I was pretty mixed up for a while, but you really helped me out.

Gulik: Hey, I'm the Opener of Doors. It's what I do. Just don't you forget those burnt offerings.

Turtle: Oh, I won't, St. Gulik! I won't!

Gulik: Or the snacks.

Turtle: All the snacks you can eat!

Gulik: I'm an immortal cockroach, kid. I can eat a lot of snacks.

Turtle: I know. I saw what you did to Sheboygan.

Gulik: Let's not talk about that episode, OK? It's still in the courts.

Turtle: What episode? My lips are sealed.

Gulik: Good. Keep 'em that way. Now I'm off for dumpster diving. You can keep the book. You might want to study the telegram.

Turtle: OK, St. Gulik. (sits cross-legged and smoothes out the paper on his lap)

Gulik: Good luck, kid. Hail Eris. (scuttles away into the shadows)

Turtle: All hail Discordia! Now let's see what this is all about....
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[The Good Reverend Roger]

They're so cute before we crush their dreams.

[Mangrove]

They're so cute before we crush their dreams.

Classic PD.com dream crushing a la Rog' to commence in 5....4....3...2...

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

That was pretty good. And yeah, she is a bitch.