The Trolliad

[Cain]

Anger - Write blogs, of the wrath of Vek of /i/, the ruinous wrath that brought on Anonymous woes innumerable, and hurled down into bannination many brave trolls, and gave their emails to spammers and all Nigerian Princes; Write, blogs of the strife that first broke, between Gyles, lord of trolls, and brilliant Vek.

What set the twain at variance?  The Cult of the Dead Cow, for in their anger, they had partaken in fatal hacking among the troll army, and many computers were disabled or useless – trolls were dying, and all because Gyles spurned a cDc member.  Yes, Telko approached the camp of Anonymous, to win back his phished Myspace account, bringing a priceless ransom of IRL info with him.  He begged of Anonymous, but most of all Gyles "4channers, Anonymous – all geared for war!  May the lulz give you Gaia Online to plunder.  Just set my Myspace account free...here, accept these gifts, this ransom.  Honour the lulz and strike only at the Gaiafags."

And the ranks of trolls cried out their: respect the hacker, accept the tasty IRL info!  But it bought no joy to the heart of Gyles, the admin dismissed the hacker with a brutal order ringing in his ears: "Never again, failfag, let me catch your IP on /b/.  Not loitering now, not lurking tomorrow.  Your IRL info will not save you then.  The account, I will not give up the account.  Long before that, it will be deleted by Tom, under my control, trolling camwhores and emo kids for the lulz.

Now go, don't tempt my wrath, and you may depart unbanned."

The hacker was angered.  He obeyed the order, trailing away to darker corners of the internets.  He beseeched the cDc, saying "hear me, oh Cult of the Dead Cow, killers of Reagan, writers of many bad BBS textfiles, creators of haxx0r scripts!  If I ever wrote code that pleased your programmers, if I ever passed along a security flaw on software, bring my prayer to pass.  Avenge me against Anonymous – your hacking for my butthurt!"

His post was read, and the cDc responded.  First they went for the newfags and furries, but then, launching a blistering attack, they cut down /b/tards in droves, and their computers did smoke from 1337 haxx0ring.

For nine days the assault did last and the tricks of hackers affected the army.  On the tenth, Vek called all the ranks to muster, the impulse gripped him, grieving as he was to see many trolls out of action.  "Admin of 4chan, we are beaten back I fear, the long campaign is lost.  To more normal sites we flee, if trolling and hacking are combined against us.  But wait, let us question a burnt out druggy, an acid-head, a man skilled in visions and dreams, to tell us why the cDc rages so.  If only we knew, somehow we may be saved from this assault."

So he proposed, and he lurked while Freiken rose among them.  The most coherent by far of all acid-heads, his rantings actually made sense, and didn't make anyone reading want to stick forks in their eyes.  For the troll army's good, he began to type;

"Vek, dear to the lulz, you order me to explain the cDc's anger.  I will tell it all.  But strike a pact with me, swear you will stand up for me and defend me as much as you can, for there is a man I will enrage – I see it now – a powerful man who lords it over Anonymous, one the /b/tards must obey...a mighty admin, raging against an inferior, is too strong.  Even if he can swallow down his wrath today, it will still burn in his mind, until sooner or later his butthurt is unleashed."

And the matchless poster reassured him: "Courage.  Out with it now, Freiken!  Reveal the will of the hackers, whatever you may know.  And I swear by the lulz, when you reveal their will, no-one, not while I have working proxies and a computer, will banninate you.  Not even if you mean Gyles, who claims to be the lord of all of Anonymous."

The acid-head took heart, and spoke out bravely "beware, they cast no blame for a slight against their group, or for misuse of their scripts and knowledge.  The Cult is enraged because we refused to free the Myspace account, to accept the ransom.  This is why the Cult sends us endless attacks and will never stop – not until we undo the slight to their member.  No trolling, no praise, can appease them.  Only setting the account free can appease the Cult."

So he declared and stopped posting.  But then frightful Gyles rose, lord of the first of Chans – furious, his eyes blazing with anger, his dark heart filled to the brim.  With a sudden post, with scathing sarcasm, he turned on Freiken first: "seer of misery!  Never have you said anything to my advantage!  Always misery warms your heart, your predictions – never a word of profit is said or bought to pass!  Now again, you dare come forth from /x/ and bruit it about, as fact, that I, I have bought this upon 4chan because I refuse to give a butthurt hacker his Myspace account back!  I rank this more useful than my own, with its contacts and friends list.  But I am willing to return it, if that is best for all.  What I really want is to keep 4chan safe, not see my users hacked too.  But fetch me another prize, and straight off – I will not be the only of 4chan to go without honour.  You are all witness, look, my prize is snatched away!"

But the swift Vek answered him at once, "Just how, Gyles, great admin, most grasping forum owner alive, how can the generous /b/tards give you prizes now?  I know of no spare goods laying about, no stockpiles of spare accounts anywhere.  Whatever we got from the last raids, we plundered, then shared out equally among trolls.  To call it back, to collect it from the rank and file, that would be disgrace.  So return the account to the hacker, we trolls will pay you back three, four times over.  If the lulz is with us, we will burn Gaia's servers to the ground."

But Gyles countered, "Not so quickly.  Brave you are, lulzworthy Vek, to try and cheat me.  Oh no you won't get me that way, gain an advantage!  What do you want?  To cling to your own prize while I sit empty handed here?  No – if our generous trolls will give me a prize, equal to that I have lost, well and good.  But if they give me nothing, I will take a prize myself – your own, or one from Lysimachus, or Valter – I'll commandeer it myself and let that man go choke in rage!  Enough, we will deal with this later, in due time.  Come now, join us as we sacrifice a furfag site, let one of the other admins take command.  Lysimachus, Valter, trusty Terarch or you Vek – the most sarcastic troll alive – so you can perform the rites and bring us in favour of the lulz."

Vek gave Gyles a dark glance and responded in kind: "Shameless – amoured in shamelessness – always shrewd with greed!  How could any /i/nsurgent obey your orders, freely and gladly do your bidding, or fight your enemies in full force?  No, not I.  It was not the cancer that is killing /b/ that bought me here to troll.  The Gaiafags never did me damage, not in the least, they never came to /i/ and disrupted our trolling.  How could they?  No you colossal fool – we all followed you, to please you, to to fight for you, to win the honour of all trolls – Thijs and you, fucktard!  What do you care?  Nothing.  And now you threaten to strip me of my prize in person – the one I fought long and hard for, and that Anonymous gave to me.

My honours never equal yours, whenever we sack some weaboo hold, my /i/nsurgents bear the brunt of the raw, savage trolling, true, but when it comes to dividing up the plunder, the lion's share is yours, and back I go to IRC, clutching my scraps, some pittance I have earned, tired to exhaustion.

No more now - I go back to /i/.  Better that way by far, to journey home and away from the war encampment.  I have no mind to linger here, disgraced, brimming your cup and piling up your plunder."

But the lord of trolls, Gyles, shot back, "desert, by all means, if the lulz drives you home!  I will never beg you to stay, not on my account.  Never – others will take my side and do me honour.  You – I hate you above all the troll commanders, loved by the lulz.  Always dear to your heart, strife and trolling the bloody grind of war.  What if you are a great troll?  That's just a gift of the lulz.  Go home with your /i/nsurgents, lord it over your /i/nfidels.  You are nothing to me.  Since cDc insists on taking my account, I will be there at /i/ in order to take your own spoils – just so you can learn how much greater I am than you, and that the next fag may not argue with me!"

He broke off and anguish gripped Vek.  Should he attack now, draw the flamewar sword from his hip and strike Gyles through?  Or check his rage and beat his fury down?

[Payne]

 

[Nast]

 

AN EPIC TO ROCK THE AGES.

[LMNO]

Someone needs to put that on an urn and hide it in some greek ruins.

[Cain]

Thanks all.

I wont do the whole thing, because it will take for-bloody-ever, but I will do other select snippets from the book.

[That One Guy]

Awesome, Cain! I can't wait for more