The Spirit of the Holidays

[Bharlion]

This is another serial that was published as a holiday special. I figured you might like it a bit more than the wretches who fired me. This is from my time as a news paper features editor this was published in the Christmas issue of 2005.

   Merry Festivus! That's right this is the time of year when people gather away to celebrate for whatever reason they could come up with. Many ethnographers have tried to pin down the spirit of the holidays, why people get together at this strange time of year to jest and dance. The winter blues? The shorter days? Boredom? Whatever the case people continue to celebrate during this fiscally wonderful time of year. So here is to 365.5 more days of madness on this island of sanity within a oblivious gulf of abyssal space!
   So now, I puzzled over and over what to give you, my beloved reader! What else than something to chuckle about. Something to laugh about! Maybe something to even giggle about! The holiday special! Except for those of us in retail, we don't have holidays during this time of year. No, not us, Never.
   The holidays are an irrational time of  year. Ungulates fly, obese elves can fit down pipes, and the TV is clogged with feel good movies and commercials. So how can one make sense of such a random time of year? I will tell you. You cannot. It is like trying to maintain your sanity before the dreadful and great Cthulhu. It is impossible and futile as this bleak and horrible charade which we dance.
   Are the holidays dead? People ask me whatever happened to the spirit of the Holidays. I have done some research and tracked down a possible real fate of the spirit of Holidays. It was placed upon a scale before the ancient Egyptian God of life and death, Osiris for judgment. The spirit was weighed against the heart of the holidays. The heart was fully of corrupted by moral decay from greed. Osiris tossed the spirit's heart to the 'Destroyer of Hearts' which then devoured the heart hungrily. Now don't be too sad about this. While it is a bit far fetched, the Egyptians were a clever bunch who have a desert full of monuments dedicated to how clever they were.
   Ever-year millions of letters flood to the north pole to that jolly old immortal Santa Claus. The legend of Santa Claus is far-reaching. It is believed that he once was a Saint known as Saint Nicolas, until syndicated by Coca-Cola. Regardless Santa receives a large quantity of mail each year all with outlandish requests. Here are some of the favorite from the mailbag.

   Dear Santa Claus
   I have been lately feeling left out of the holiday season. Everyone who used to so dearly loved celebrating this time of year by spending time with me and giving thanks for family, now have turned their backs on me in favor of going out and needlessly spending money. I feel like I need to wake them up to what this is all about and am getting very angry with being ignored! They just go and party it up with a fat guy in a suit. Am I just becoming to wound up with my self or should I actually do something? All I want for Christmas is Love.
   Sincerely Forsaken

   Dear Forsaken
   Ho-Ho-HO! Merry Christmas! Ho-ho-ho! What is wrong little boy? All upset about you not being the center of attention anymore? Sounds like your just upset that your not getting as much attention as your used too? Well it sounds like you have had your time in the sun and need to move on. Ho-Ho-HO! Merry Christmas! Jingle bells! Just because you are being ignored doesn't mean you can't have fun, go to a soup kitchen, help out random people, just because other people have lives to attend to doesn't mean you need to be all saucy. You only get what you give, try to give some love this year and you might just receive it.

   Dear Santa
   I am sick of my neighbors down the hill. All laughing and jumping and prancing being so merry this time of year. I don't believe in ANY holidays this time of year. I don't care what your celebrating, winter is a time to be depressed and brooding. Taking misery in the death of the sun and the triumph of darkness. WHO ARE THEY TO LIGHTEN MY MOOD! WHO I ASK WHO! And all those whos down in who Ville think they have won, but I will show them for I have a gun!
   Green Bastard

   Dear Green Bastard
   Ho-Ho-Ho! An angry little boy! I know one who won't be getting ANY ammunition for Christmas! Ho-ho-ho! Don't believe in holidays? Why not? Are you too angry to get over yourself? Learn to love, maybe that cold black heart of yours will start beating again! Ho-Ho-Ho! Watch some holiday movies, it doesn't matter if you don't like the Holidays, just learn to give everyone who does their space and freedom to do so. Don't  be such a mean one. Ho-ho-Oh?
   
   Dear Santa Claus
   All I want for Christmas is for mommy and daddy to stop fighting.
   Broken Boy
   
   Dear Broken Boy
   Ho-Ho-HO-ho-HO-Ho-hO-ho-HO! Merry Christmas! HOOO-HOO-H! Ho-ho-HO-HO! Ho-HO-HOOooo! Ho-ho-ho-ho! HOOO-HOOO-HO! HO!

   Regardless you get the idea. He is a very busy man answering all this mail. Which is why he now has chosen too answer his mail in a joint contract with a large internet spam company. Expect replies from that man in red with 'T0y5 4 U' and 'h0h0h0 m3rry xmas' so unblock those spam blockers and get ready for a spam-tastic season.
   Now myself am not going to be going home for the holidays rather I am going to be astral projecting myself home. Since it's the thought that counts I feel this is appropriate. So have a wonderful holiday and remember to enjoy these last days of the year as they grow stale as soda cracker from 1982. So happy whatever it is you are all celebrating, I don't care! Just make sure to keep the noise down and wake me when its 2006. I can't wait for this foul year to be over!