Dingo's Old Discordian Guff

[Placid Dingo]

Recently deleted a work off Lulu that was A: not very good and B: probably a bit too lax on ensuring all non original content was used with permission.

Here are the bits I wrote. CC-Atrib-NC.



Cutting Ties With Your Family.
Q: I've been considering becoming a Discordian. Does this mean I should cut ties with my family?
A: Yes. The tie is a symbol of oppression and wilful subversion of yourself to the higher points of authority. Not to mention they're damn hard to tie. The destruction of these blasted things with a pair of scissors can be a fun activity to involve the whole family, and provide hours of entertainment.


**


The Discordian Gardener.
Gardening seems such a brutal art, so often unrewarding, and so often the very model of the
Aneristic Principal. Consider; the patch of grass. We measure and mark out the part that is garden,
and the part that is not. Then we tear up the garden, add dirt and seeds, and then fill it with
woodchip and surround it with logs just to ensure the distinction between 'garden' and 'not-garden'
is very clear.
Naturally this causes trouble. The plants start to wander outside of the garden. The grass starts to
wander into the garden. How to keep these two lovers separate? How? How?
The antithesis of this jealously guarded garden, I saw in the chook shed. Chooks given scraps
from the garden and kitchen will produce a lovely mess of deteriorating plant matter. Under layers
of compost, seeds will begin to grow. If left, they will either eek out an existence hiding from
chickens or they will be gobbled up again. But generally, it is in the chook shed where fruit trees
begin, where plant waste regrows and where maintenance is minimal.
Discordia is based on the balance of order and disorder, which is the perfect premise for
gardening. A maintained disorder. Allow nature to do most the work, growing its own trees and
plants where it likes. Give it space. Then, when the disorder threatens the whole thing (if Lantana
should invade, if getting to the house becomes impossible, or simply if there's a stack of lovely
composting seeds you want to give the best chance in life) come in and do your thing. Chop up
what is too big, and use it as compost. Tear out what is a threat and burn it. Plant what is not yet
underground. Find what is sizzling to death and water it. Find what is verging on rotten and drain it.
The central premise of Discordian gardening is that you facilitate nature's path, instead of seeking
to define it. However, for the sake of wordcount, we can also use the stages of the Discordian year
as a kind of model.
1. Chaos. The natural, natural state. Complete absence of control. Wilderness.
2. Disorder. This is basically where it's all getting a bit out off hand and we can't hold it all
together. The balance has been tipped, and not in your favor.
3. Confusion. The beginning of man's imposition of order. This is not systematic at this point,
and may not even be conscious. The pulling of irritating or potentially harmful weeds, the
movement of branches causing trouble, or just the need to kick a rock down a hill as you
keep kicking it.
4. Bureaucracy. This is the best time for the Discordian as ee gets to really get in there and
get a piece of the action. This is the time to weed the bad stuff so the new stuff has room.
A time to plant the fallen and compost seeds. To transplant the stronger saplings to where
they will suit best. To mulch, to poison, to sew! Onwards!
5
5. Aftermath. The slow return to Chaos. The order takes strength, then disorder creeps in,
bringing the balance back.
Love and enjoy your garden. If you don't have a garden, adopt a piece of public property and start
improving it. In many cases you will need to start at a rigidly enforced state of Bureaucracy, and
move straight to aftermath. See how you go.
Happy gardening.



**


The Parable of Buzzkid and Dreamface

1. I began on my journey to find the truth, and I came across the man on the hill, who had sat for many days and nights.

2. I came to him and told him thus "I am imprisoned in this life, and have no escape. I beg of you to teach me."

3. And he spoke unto me and told me the tale of Buzzkid and Dreamface.

4. Buzzkid and Dreamface were watchers of birds and they would dream of being them.

5. Said Dreamface, "Would but I were a bird, I would have every joy in the world."

6. But Buzzkid denied this. For he said then unto Dreamface "If you were a bird, you would only be satisfied with being a fish."

7. But anyway, they made wings of bark and ran around squawking.

8. But for Dreamface it was not enough. He knew to find joy he would need to fly. So he leapt off the cliff, waving his wonderful wings.

9. Of course they were made of bark, and thus did fuck all, so he fell like a rock and broke his legs.

10. Buzzkid did tend to his wounds, and left him to heal, and ran around squawking joyously.

11. The old man finished, and I spake unto him: "what does thou know, oh wise one, that compels thou to sit on this hill alone with thy thoughts?"

12.And he replied unto me that those bloody kids had stolen his wheelchair and dumped it in the river, and would I mind getting it? And I did not mind so I did as he wished.

13. So he gave me some chocolate.

[Placid Dingo]

1. I walked along the bridge; it went for many miles. And below the bridge was an infinite blackness.

2. I walked with a group of many. The bridge was flat and I was bored.

3. I walked with my friend Nuraphel.

4. As we came to the other side, I did see a woman with green hair and blue lips. For this was Supafly.

5. And unto me she spake 'what have you learned on your journey?'

6. And unto her I spake, "Nothing."

7. Unto her I asked from where she came, and she pointed to another bridge near mine, made of thin rope and weak wood, but criss-crossing through the most wondrous rainforest. And I said unto her, 'but I have heard that your path only goes towards the infinite crevasse!'

8. And unto me she spake, "But you see, your path has the same end."

9. She asked unto me; "Would you come with me along the path less followed?" And excitement was vast, and I answered "Yes."

10. Along this path we walked, and I saw much of great beauty and great horror. I saw monsters burst through the trees that I could
barely comprehend, and I saw birds whose tails were of beaded silver and lace. The wood creaked beneath each step and threatened
to give way.

11. Then suddenly the wood burst beneath my foot and I fell. My hand grasped above and lucked to find the rope. Supafly pulled me to my
feet, but I was shaken of mood and weak of spirit.

12. We came again to a crossroads, and Nuraphel came unto me and asked, "What did you learn?" Though I was too shaken and
overwhelmed to think, and so I replied, "I do not know."

13. I was weak of heart and spirit, so here I separated form Supafly to walk along the conventional path.

14.Nuraphel and I walked together. And though we spake cordially I felt not at ease. The safety of the bridge felt stagnant.

15.I watched the others and saw some of them too were crushed by the monotony of the voyage. Many were poor of vision, and had not seen the other bridge, and their tormented moans increased until they threw themselves over the edge of the bridge, plummeting into the
black.

16.Soon though there was another sound, a sound that danced across the bridge. It was the sound of laughter.

17.Not of laughter polite, but of unrestrained and passionate, fiery laughter, laughter that burned into me.

18.Five of the travellers from the string bridges has swung across the chasm, and were dancing, imitating chickens, then cows, then dogs,
and it tirred much mirth, and there was joyous laughter.

19.Then, from the middle emerged a woman, skin like cream, face obscured by a cloth littered with precious stones, breasts like grapes
glistening in the sun in a sensuous snakelike dance that dazzled the men, and awakened latent lesbian tendencies in women. And I was
so stunned that I cried out loud.

20.Then, as swiftly as they had arrived, they grasped vines and swung back to the rope bridge. And it was plain to see, as they swung to
the roads less travelled, their numbers were greater.

21.We reached the end of the bridge, and Supafly came unto me and spake; "What have you learned?

22.And I replied unto her, "I have learned of the great joys of the silliness of man. I have learned of the wonder of woman, and that a
sensuous dance may pray a great cry from my mouth."

23.And she spake unto me, and said, "Holy shit, that was you?!"

24.And her cream skin did for a time go a little crimson.

25.And t was so that I gathered my courage and chose to walk along the rope bridge with Supafly again.

26.Though it seemed now the rope bridge had been cautioned off, and there were men standing in our way.

27.And unto us they spake, and said "it's for your own good you know."

28.And further they said unto us "Why do you hate freedom?" for they saw that they had build their bridge in the model of the free way,
and did not see why one needed any second option.

29.We spake unto them "We respect your path, but allow us ours"

30.And they would not let us, for they did not know it, and the break in routine was chilling unto them.

31.And Supafly spoke unto me and said "fuck this shit," and made a break for it, and I followed, and we came to the rope bridge and
began to walk.

32. And there we conversed deeply and passionately.

33.We spoke of many things, of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings, until Saint Lewis Carol threatened legal action.

34.The bridge shook mightily, but we were strong of spirit and endured the ferocious quaking.

35.A rainbow assortment of parrots flew by, and such music was heard that I barely believed I was awake.

36.Though when I looked down, I saw the cry of the birds had masked the cracking of a plank, and saw Supafly had fallen into the great
hole.

37.I stumbled onto the crossing, blinded by tears.

38.And Nuraphel came unto me and spake, "What have you learned?"

39.And I said to her, "I have learned of pain you cannot imagine."

40.So it was that I walked for sometime along the common path again.

41.Though this time I was aware of the misery around be, until the boredom gave way to rage that fed on my agony.

42.And so it was that I began to lash out at my fellow man, attacking those around me.

43. I continued on this path of mighty rage until I was stopped by others.

44. And they imprisoned me in a stretcher and placed me alongside others the same and carried me along the bridge.

45.And these other prisoners spake unto me of all that had been done unto them.

46.And I asked unto them, "What have you done unto the world?"

47.But they did not answer, for they had never encountered such an idea, having been entrapped in mediocrity for so long.

48.And so it was that I let go of my pain and anger, and I saw it so clearly, that I was free.

49.At the crossroads, I was released, and again saw Nuraphel.

50.And she spake unto me and said, "What have you learned?"

51. And I spake unto her, "I have been subjected to freedom, disguised as a prison, as I raged against the prison disguised as freedom."

52.And I asked unto her, "what have you learned?"

53.And she said, "Nothing."

54.I chose to go again on the rope bridge, though I was weakened by my travel.

55.This last patch was the most glorious, and the most treacherous. Birds, bugs and lizards of all kinds and vibrant colors swarmed over
and across all the trees and the ropes.

56.The sun shone through leaves so lightly coloured that I was bathed in all tones of glimmering light.

57.Along the way I met a man who had never left this path since he had found it. And I saw that he had great wisdom. And though I
befriended him, I did not ask for his wisdom, for it was not he that was to teach, but I that was to learn.

58. We sang and danced for many miles, and for all our joy the bridge seemed to stretch onwards for all eternity.

59.As we sang though, a giant shark shot up from the abyss, and took him down.

60.And though I was saddened I accepted this truth, and continued onwards.

61.Another jumped to take me, but I ducked and swung at it, and the bastard bit my arm right off.

62.I gritted my teeth and treated my wound with leaves. I rested, then continued on my way. It was strange to miss an arm, and I thought,
how fortunate was I, that I might be blessed with such insight.

63.Though there was more to come, eventually, this great passage ended.

64.I found myself not at a crossroads but at the very edge of the abyss, with no way to go but down.

65.I looked to my side and saw Nuraphel.

66.And in all my joy I told her that I had seen and done things on this wonderful trail that could not ever be imagined.

67.And she spake unto me that she was just glad it was over, as her feet were sore.

68.And when I spoke unto her that she might have come with me on my path, she looked at my arm and said "but then I may have ended
up like you."

69.For though she was more whole than I, there was less to her.

70.Her eyes could not see truth, her ears could not hear nuance, her heart could not feel great pain and intimacy, her groin could not feel
wild lust, her gut could not feel wild fear and joy.

71.And I did not ask her what she had learned, for it was clear that she truly had learned nothing.

72. I closed my eyes and jumped, and let out a yell, even as I faded into the darkness; I am here! I am here! I am awake and I am alive!

73.Do you believe that?