Brugnahk the Devourer of Flesh Advice Column (Even More Dear Abbey from Hell)

[Bharlion]

I used to publish also advice columns in the section of the paper, here is one of my personal favorites of the paper a demon that devours flesh, obviously this didn't go over too well as cannibalism may have pushed the envelop too far. I was surprised I didn't get fired earlier but then again that is contract work for you. Easier to just say "we found someone who isn't insane." Har har! Since my firing they removed them,but my old paper is at the bottom if you want to she what a shame it has become. sometimes they still let me write horoscopes under a pen name but i can't be "out there."


Ask Brugnahk the Devourer of Flesh
   Dear Brugnahk the Devourer of Flesh
   I have been feeling awkward about a close relationship I have with my best friends boyfriend. He talks about how I 'understand him like she doesn't' or other really private problems in his relationship. I am getting the feeling he might want out. Should I tell my best friend he saying these things and give her first strike? I don't want to be a home wrecker if I am just paranoid.
   Sweet Nothing
   Dear Sweet Nothing
Brugnahk believes he has heard this petty story before, the story bores Brugnahk and he wishes to only feast upon the soft sopping wet skin of the innocent. One cannot expect Brugnahk to give advice to such a callow and bloodless whelp! Take advantage of your friend's lover. Make him comfortable around you and when his guard is let down make an intimate move. Then bite down into his spine while wearing a jaw brace to paralyze him from the neck down. Then you will be free to dine at your leisure. Mammy, Dinner is Severed!
   Dear Brugnahk the Devourer of Flesh
   I have been thinking of leaving the church I have been brought up in for sometime now. This is because I don't agree with some of the doctrines and commonly held opinions of my congregation. This will exile me from all my family and friends within the congregation and I would have to start over. Should I take my stand and accept whatever comes or just hope they will change?
   Messed Milton
   Dear Messed Milton
   Brugnahk cannot understand why you have not abandoned them already for the one true faith. Join the great devourers that hide beneath the veneer of sanity that your precious world of light is balanced. Turn your back on these pagans and embrace the insatiable ones. They cannot understand what you will bear witness too, you and the others will be the midwives to a new era! It will be penned in the blood of martyrs. Those fools will only change when forced too, and they will be forced to change. Change or be devoured by the myriad minions of Magnum Innominandum.
   Dear Brugnahk the Devourer of Flesh
   I found some smut on my boyfriend's computer the other day. I confronted him and he just shrugged. Is it weird for me to feel as if I am competing with his virtual women? Or am I just afraid that I don't measure up to his airbrushed airheads?
   Virtual Virginia
   Dear Virtual Virginia
   Flesh feast! Flesh feast! Brugnahk feasts upon flesh! FLESH! FLESH!! FLESH!! Strength is stored in his soft delicious quivering heart. You must devour his heart, feast on his flesh, eat his entrails, and consume his cranium to steal his memory. Then you will find out if he truly loves you more than his false lights.
   Do you have a problem that you cannot solve? Ask one of our advice personalities at The Meliorist. Email your quandaries and queries to f.editor@themeliorist.com

Ask Brugnahk, the Devourer of Flesh

   Dear Brugnahk, the Devourer of Flesh
   I just had a nightmare blind date. The guy I went with came on way too strong and while I 'was' interested at first, he got weird fast. How do I let him know I don't mind being friends with him but he keeps calling asking me to be his girlfriend? Don't they offer seminar courses of the do's and don't of dating? Or is he just daft?
   Irritated Irene

   Dear Irritated Irene
   The meat-bag you went out with on the blind date with has kuru. An ancient deadly disease of cerebral rot. Do not feast upon his flesh or extract fluid from his spinal column. No matter how delicious the sweet nectar of life may taste, you must resist the temptation to feast. Let him down gently, into a pit full of rats that have been starved for two days. Then watch the feast of flesh. Keep his heart as a trophy, he has admirable courage in being so forward.

   Dear Brugnahk, the Devourer of Flesh
   My boyfriend has pressuring me to have sex since we have been together. I have explained I want to wait until I am married so I am not just 'another girl' on his belt. It has caused quite a few problems and it is driving me away from him. Should I dump him and find someone new who will abide by my request for chastity? I love him.
   Chaste Cathy

   Dear Chaste Cathy
   The organ-sack desires your body to rut upon. You must resist his lure. You must strike first. Invite him over for sex, after tying him to your bed turn off the light. Leave the meat-bag here. After a few days of starvation his body will cannibalize his fat reserves. Once he is tender and lean as you like, you can now dine at your leisure on his quivering flesh. A Flesh feast unflawed by fat is delightful.

   Dear Brugnahk, the Devourer of Flesh
   My father died recently and in his will he called my mother a harlot and left his widow nothing. I am torn between duties to my mother and the memory of my father. I can't do anything for a dead man but the fight for my fathers estate has my other siblings calling for DNA tests to find out who are legitimate children. It is getting out of control and I am getting tired of watching our family get torn apart over greed. What should I do?
   Tired Tom

   Dear Tired Tom
   These corpulent gluttons have dined too much on soft flesh of callow weaklings. You must not be torn by their razor teeth. Strengthen your skin by flogging it with a leather whip. After a tough sinewy hide develops confront this self proclaimed family and slaw them all with your teeth and claws. Afterwards perch quietly upon the mountain of skulls and lick the sweet skin from their limbs.

Do you have a dilemma or problem for the Meliorist advice column? Write to f.editor@themeliorist.com with all your queries and questions that need answering.

[Z³]

Ha! The last one is my favorite, SUCH GOOD ADVICE.

[saint aini]

did they actually allow you to suggest flogging?

[Bharlion]

Yes. All of these advice columns were in the paper. I was dismissed when contract renewl come up. I don't know why.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Pretty funny.

[Cramulus]

that's awesome - I would kill to see stuff like that in print in my local paper.

[Cain]