Musashi the Ninja Advice Column (More Dear Abbey from Hell)

[Bharlion]

This columnist was a ninja I ran for two issues like brugnahk. Sadly he went over about as well as all of my dear abbey from hell articles.

Ask Musashi the Ninja

   Dear Musashi the Ninja,
   I have helped rehabilitated my brother from a vicious bout of drug addiction and now he wants to live with my two children and I.  As much as I do believe in caring for family the prospect of him being in the house with my children possibly unattended after I have heard some of the things he had done to get drug money, makes me nervous. I love my brother but how can I tell him to back off gently.
   Callous Carol
   Dear Callous Carol
   When the British devils brought their devil opium to our country my grand-mother told me of how many souls it claimed. We fought it every way we could. With sword and law, but that failed. With shadow and silence, but that failed. Finally we found the only way to drive out the demon of addiction. Fire. What was wrought in the pits of hell will be pushed back into it with flaming arrows and pyres of the great piles of devil opium. The addicts we burned with rods of iron to drive out the demons, the beast of addiction has great resolve. But it was defeated. You can defeat it too. Using the only true friend of mankind. Fire.
   Dear Musashi the Ninja
   My family received their government rebate and my husband wanted to spend all of the checks on a big home theatre, while I suggested we save the money. I don't want the kids to learn to live beyond their means just because of an odd surplus. What should I do? I don't want to make a big fuss over something that is really small in the big scheme.
   Nora Troubled
   Dear Nora Troubled
   There is nothing worse than those who squander the gifts of our great emperor. The gifts of the great emperor should be treated as a sign of change. Not as foolish play money to play monopoly or whatever nonsense they plan to use it upon. Do not spend it upon a home theatre, build a shrine to the great emperor and his generosity will return. The Ralph Klein god-king of Alberta shall reign eternal!
   Dear Musashi the Ninja
   I am responding to Desperate Dina. Gatwick the Cockney Gent advised you to re-evaluate the marriage. I believe if his eyes wander, let the rest of him follow. Don't take any crap from your man. No way! Show him that you are going to value yourself enough to take a stand.
   No-Crap Clark
   Dear No-Crap Clark
   Indeed he should follow his eyes to their destination. Perhaps you should see if a fox maiden is luring his actions. Fox maidens are vicious demon tricksters or Oni. They only live to cause pain and suffering to those that are near their webs of death and madness. Banish the fox maiden to the land of wind and ghosts. This can be accomplished by burning out the fox demon from the foul temptress. Using hot iron pokers they demon can be coaxed from a mortal shell quite easily. After finishing this your man should be back under control.
Do you have a dilemma or problem for the Meliorist advice column? Write to f.editor@themeliorist.com with all your queries and questions that need answering.

Ask Musashi the Ninja
   Dear Musashi the Ninja
   I have a problem. My brother is being bullied at school. This would be easy to solve except the bully is not only a girl but her parents are my sister's friends. I have been neglecting confronting the problem but my brother has been feigning sickness to avoid going to school. Is there a way I can solve this without rocking the boat?
   Boggled Brother

   Dear Boggled Brother
   Only a samurai can kill a samurai. When training to be a ninja in the monastery a band of samurai from the neighboring kingdom came and stole our horses. We sent them an emissary to ask them to nicely return the horses, they sent the emissary back strapped to the back of a horse without a head or hands. I learned an important lesson that day, good manners are wasted on the ruthless. Do not give this bully hospitality. Fight fire with fire. So long as your fire burns stronger, his will be suffocated.
   
   Dear Musashi the Ninja
   It hurts to pee, what should I do? Sometimes when I try it doesn't work. Help?
   Clogged Cleo

   Dear Clogged Cleo
   It is one of two things, evil spirits or an infection. The first is the most deadly. Demons are only able to be driven out with burning hot iron rods. The rods are inserted into the possessed area to injure the demons within. The wounds must be covered with pepper and stuffed with salt. If this does not drive the demons out, you will be forced to amputate, the entire area. In the case of a sexually transmitted infection, make sure you are tested immediately and seek treatment as soon as possible. A doctor from the city can cure this with a potion or salve. The strange in odd clothes man from the sea spoke that this results from unprotected 'floor-cest'.

   Dear Musashi the Ninja
   My Grandma, recently decided to purchase a Playstation 2. I am glad she is embracing technology however she is now spending all her time playing this weird game with a giant talking head and a ball that you roll over things. She doesn't go to the mall with friends, or knit anymore. I keep telling myself the obsession will break but she doesn't seem want too go out and enjoy the end of her life while she is still around.
   Against-Games Allie
   
   Dear Against-Games Allie
   Life is a fleet blink before the old tired eyes. The game you speak of is no game at all. No that is Katamari Damacy. The music is trance-like and makes the body groove to the funk. It alike kabuki theatre, allows the player to enter a state of enlightenment. Do not interfere in this divine vision, perhaps your grand mother will attain enlightenment in this life yet.