Forbidden Lore (More Old Articles)

[Bharlion]

I wrote this one when they told me they needed to fill 500 words on publishing night. Most of them didn't get the joke about religion.   


The following was found among some scattered notes left in the Meliorist office.
   Day 1: The experiment begins. I have stop referring to my roommates feline friend as 'cat' and now refer to it as 'dog' I hope by doing this the cat will become less naughty and unruly. Combining the loyalty of dogs with the mobility and durability of cats. I hoped that I could accomplish by the end of the week. It began simply by the name change from dog to cat. I will be a genius!
   Day 2: The cat now responds to 'dog' however I am not sure if this is only from my giving it dog treats when I call it dog. Regardless, the project would go on. After it gets the strength of the dog, I will begin playing dog games with it. The cat still meows when I give it food, I hope by barking at it every day the cat will stop this.
   Day 3: Spent most of the day disinfecting scratches from game of tug of war turned bad. The cat is more territorial and growls when the newspaper boy comes into the yard. We have to keep the cat indoors now. It is not that bad, except for the musk and chewing it has suddenly started to perpetrate upon our furniture.
   Day 4: The cat is now becoming a fully-fledged dog, it plays fetch, drinks from toilet, and even stays on command. I am amazed upon the ease of this success of the project so quickly! I should win the Nobel prize! I can see grants in the mail. School tuition paid for I smell a scholarship!
   Day 5: The cat is exhibiting some odd personality changes. It has begun making weird barking noises at strangers. On a side note it has exhibited super feline strength that equivalent of a dog, also it has begun eating just about anything. I am taking the cat to vet tomorrow. That should fix this abomination against nature.
   Day 6: The cat is no longer a cat, it is dog. Behold, I am man, I have created dog! The cat ran out when I was leading it to the car. I haven't seen the cat for hours. I screamed and chased after it but it was no use. The cat was gone. It has cast off my rule to go and destroy all I had worked upon. My god what have I unleashed upon this world!
   Day 7: The barking won't stop. All the cats in the neighborhood have been acting the same as the cat did when I started to turn it into a dog. What have I done, what have I done. There are scratch marks on the door, what have I done. I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.

[Bharlion]

This article was written as a smear at the book store at the local university and how it enjoyed screwing students. I wrote in the style of HP Lovecraft because I love him and his Yogsothoth-ery.



About five seconds too late into writing this article I realized two things. One is that I forgot my book on article writing in the in the New England countryside. The second thing was that I had never left New England and had no idea why such a weird idea had entered my head. Either way I continued to delve into the dark cold cyclopean tomb that was going to be in fact, the most sinister article ever written! Yes, brave reader I dare you to continue for the between these lines and hidden beneath this shallow surface of sanity which binds these words together into coherence and form there is something so mind rending and horrible that it could tear our fragile waking lie asunder.
   I speak of the unmentionable entities covered by my references within the prime book of research, The Necronomican of the Abdul Alhazrad. Oh yes, these horrible creatures leave their marks upon our waking world yet we do not perceive it. The Things that we let our minds gloss over and render harmless to our minds, they do exist! I have seen them. I will recount the day in which my world shattered and I became the gibbering mad man I am now.
   So many years ago but I remember it well. The southern Albertan landscape was pretty, hiding its dark secrets beneath its cloak of soil where they lie dormant though not dead. I had made my way to the University of Lethbridge to attend what would be my first year of study. So carefree were those days that they seem like a memory out of time, from another life perhaps. I found my way around the Byzantine campus with ease and sanity as my guide, they had later that day left me for dead.
   It was the last stop of the day. The university student's union, as I approached it I encountered a strange feeling. As if something vestigial and near forgotten to my senses was forbidding me to enter. I trudged on forward desperately seeking something that I should naught of delved into. The books of forbidden lore I have perused and the horrors beneath the Innsmouth were nothing compared to what I encountered within those concrete walls.
   I made my way up the winding staircase towards the glass doors that reflected the suns light away from the towering place. Upon entering I found the building abandoned except for myself and my sanity, which waited for me at the door.
   Slowly I trod forward into what was surely a horrible feasting hall, I backed away and found myself inside what was a bookstore. I slowly came to my senses and located a strange device that glowed with power. The 'Text Finder' allowed me to call up the names of all the books I required for my duration at the university. After gathering my large stack of books. I made my way slowly towards the cash register.
   After being greeted by a cheerful clerk. She spoke quickly but I couldn't concentrate. She produced keypad and swiped my debit card. I typed in my PIN and felt the tingle of a thousand nightmares creep up my spine.  I watched in abject indescribable horror as the machine began to punch out a piece of paper with an abysmally large number that I felt ill to read. 'Six hundred and Sixty Six' a cold sweat came over me.
   I woke from my cold fever hours later. Disheveled and ashamed, eventually I came to my senses. I went to class the following day and almost forgetting the entire incident except during the night when the dreams came. These dreams spoke of something that was coming, something that would cause me to surely snap. The mind could only take so much. Oh how I wished I had listened to those dreams. I digress.
   It came early at the beginning of the next semester. I had heard with much jubilation that the university would be buying back books. I took all old texts some of which I had never even opened and went back up those foreboding stairs to the University bookstore. I found a man near the entrance who was not there before with a 'Book Buy Back' sign above his head. I placed my heavy stack upon the frail table that creaked in agony and waited as he looked over the stack of beloved books. He nodded once and with a sadistic grin that would scar my mind he spoke a single sentence. The words that exited his mouth caused my madness, the tragedy at the Old Mill and the disappearance of numerous cattle. The words were a burning iron of pain that was pushed through my mind condemning me to madness.
   "Six dollars and sixty six cents."

[Bharlion]

More filler for the university paper and its wackyness. This one was published in my first issue. And it went downward spirallying from there...


101 Things to do in Lethbridge when you are Dead.
1.Find some place to stay
2.Sleep in the SU.
3.Midnight Golfing.
4.Wear Sunglasses at night.
5.Get drunk and go caroling.
6.Play CDs at full volume.
7.Go to the cheesecake café for some rye.
8.Dress in black.
9.Experiment with psychedelic pharmaceuticals.
10.Stay up all night.
11.Liberty X.
12.Roll around Lethbridge all day.
13.Break out the bourbon!
14.Go to the Duke.
15.Forget to wear your pants.
16.Hide from daylight.
17.Watch TV.
18.Hold Keggers.
19.Medieval Drinking Tournament.
20.Look for el Chupacabra.
21.Find Nemo.
22.Watch the wind change.
23.Shooters!
24.Read 'gone with the wind'
25.Submit material to the meliorist or they will hurt me again.
26.Steal Lawn Gnomes.
27.Learn to fly.
28.Revolution.
29.Set up lawn chairs watch the world die.
30.Go into the east.
31.PDA!
32.Kill flies.
33.Find other dead people to hang out with.
34.Wear a bandanna.
35.Dance dance revolution!
36.Search for the hidden catacomb of Sud'ten Oninu!
37.Drink coffee.
38.Watch 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' while drunk.
39.Throw a toga party.
40.Meet me at 'Lister Hall' tomorrow.
41.Break into musical style song and dance.
42.Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see.
43.Flip the switch!
44.Drive down to the liquor store for some Everclear.
45.Buy a pound of peanuts.
46.Drink heavily.
47.Bonfire.
48.Smuggle fruit bats into the farmers market.
49.Stare out the window into the calm silent night.
50.Step into the spotlight travel with the circus.
51.Watch Movies with friends.
52.Play records in reverse listening for Satanic messages.
53.Avoid cacti.
54.Enjoy the nightlife.
55.Listen to Hotel California.
56.Go to the gym.
57.Bar Hopping!
58.Learn to assemble a pistol blindfolded.
59.Play 'Egyptian rat screw.'
60.Go swimming.
61.Hang around downtown.
62.Watch the Local News.
63.Go for a cemetery for a free tour.
64.Look for the hotel where they don't change the sheets. (3)
65.Go on MSN to hear about the outside world.
66.Try and decode the hidden messages that are in the Meliorist.
67.Wake the dead.
68.Order Take-out
69.Rally against the wind.
70.Sell ducks to the local.
71.Help out your neighbors.
72.Interesting conversations with strangers at the coffee shop.
73.Play 'spin the bottle'
74.Clap loudly at random occasions.
75.Tearful good-byes in the moonlight.
76.Hottie spotting!
77.Universal solvent fights.
78.Lose yourself in the moment.
79.Hold your arms in the air.
80.Ultra-fast-fast-food runs.
81.Watch the sunrise.
82.Watch the sunset.
83.Avoid sleeping because of the dreams.
84.Sleepwalk.
85.Sleeptalk.
86.Sleepgetintobigtroubleandblameyoursubconcious.
87.Have frequent Freudian slips.
88.BBQ!
89.Don't burn the locals.
90.Slack off.
91.Get Crunk. (Crazy Drunk)
92.Read the Meliorist.
93.Play nicely with others.
94.Re-read line 66.
95.Listen to music at full blast.
96.Go to tourist information.
97.Make nachos, everyone loves nachos.
98.Confess your love for someone.
99.Break down into tears every Saturday night.
100.Wonder what you are doing here.
101.Dream up things to do in Lethbridge when you are dead.

[Bharlion]

This was published in the new years issue. It wasn't recieved well.

The unknown is the most terrifying of all. And as such I have made some regrettable bargains, however I am now gifted with visions of the future to avoid the terrifying unknown future. The void that is a black abyss of time is pierced and I will tell you in this article what to expect in the year to come. You can do your best to help change the future, but you must confront it in the end. Which has often led me to believe that perhaps these visions I have are not actually visions at all, but sleep deprived hallucinations. Perhaps brought on by serotonin unbalances mixed with the vast amounts of other chemicals that I ingest on a daily basis. Regardless, Here they are. Take them or leave them, here they are. My visions of the next year for you.
   January: The month of new will be very uneventful. Like really uneventful, so boring that you could spend it playing the entire Final Fantasy and you would not miss anything. Except for that whole political corruption scam, that one is boring and you really don't miss much by not watching the news. Ralph Klein will be declared sovereign of the land of milk and honey.
   February: The month of love will be filled with strife. There will be a flood, two earthquakes, a forest fire, three riots and a plague of locusts. Nothing apocalyptic. Though a certain expert tells me Venus will release some radiation causing the entire population of West Lethbridge to engage in an Orgy on the 17th. Also on a side note, reading week, for the first time in human history will be used for reading. In a random act of honoring obscure pop culture 'All your base are belong to us' will be added to the United states pledge of allegiance.
   March: The month of war will be a large bumbling exercise in futility. The greed of a certain country south of France will decide to begin a campaign against the superpowers. Rallying the support of three ancient secret societies the world may seem to teeter on the brink of destruct for a few weeks. We will be distracted, of course by celebrity marriages. Britney will divorce Kevin and take the hand of British Lord.
   April: The month of folly will be filled with wisdom. A new invention will change the world. For the worse unfortunately, who thought flesh powered cars would be a bad idea. Live and learn, die and don't. Also Walpurgis will be a fun day this week, so look forward to the 30th as something terrible will awaken. Mountain Crest will be discovered to have healing properties and replace holy water as a sacrament.
   May: The month of life will be happy! There will be bunny rabbits having baby bunny rabbits and they will hop around wiggling their oogy cutie noses woses. And then bouncy wouncy around to their widdle holes. Then big scawie Cthulhu will rise from the deep depths of the sunken house of R'lyeh after the stars change and will reign wonderfully devouring all in its path. Godzilla will be voted out of office in Switzerland.
   June: The month of prophecy will be unpredictable. Well a great king of terror will come from the sky. Three kings will wage war over a betrayal of a great friend. A red dragon will attack a great bear and there will be a lost cat found by its owner. Disney will release a movie that will do very well in theatres. Total war will be declared by the Island of Malta against dolphins.
   July: The month of freedom will be a prison. Happiness will reign and everyone will be free. Unaware of that they had been always free there will be an age of despair, then Seinfeld will come back on the air. James Brown will be declared an enemy of the state after releasing an Eski album.
   August: The month of turning will have great wealth. Doomsday devices will hit the market from a certain software giant and everyone will be able to be able to bid for world domination. Holding the world ransom for billions of gold bars. Also Tupac will release a new album. Charles Manson will be released on parole only to be arrested five minutes later for devouring his lawyer.
   September: The month of fun will be unfunny. A celebrity will give birth to the faux-anti-Christ. It isn't really the anti-Christ, just has horns, breathes fire and has the mark of the beast. It will be okay though. A large amount of new products will be available to the consumer including an injurer derringer. Also Paris Hilton will be eaten by a starving alligator, which will starve regardless.
   October: The dark month will be another step into the abyss of madness. One night the dead will walk the streets and attack all who live, ushering in a new age. Vincent Price will exhumed from his graved and discovered to be a vampire.
   November: The month of cold will be warm. A thermal inversion will make the polar icecaps melt raising the earth's temperature by ten degrees. It won't be so bad except for the fact we will lose most of the coast lines and there for beach houses. England will become a tower sticking out of the sea and Greenland turns out to be just a big snowed in air strip.
   December: The great month of change will be swell. John Lennon will rise from the dead and take the throne of New Zealand. We will make alien contact, forty seconds later humanity will declare war on said aliens reducing them to carbon dust with our mighty nuclear weapons. Cheese will be outlawed by the New World Order. The seventh Harry Potter book (which has been already written) will be released. In finale there will be a duel to the death between Michael Jackson and the ghost of Oscar Wilde.
   The year will be obviously very strange. I left out a lot of the really important things like the winning lottery numbers, mostly because they always appeared garbled by the screaming monster that looks like a writhing mass of eyes. It is alright though, don't worry, everything will be alright.

[Bharlion]

Another not well recieved special holiday issue. Reading week, or as we call it up here, suicide prevention week. More people kill themselves in that week of February than any other week through out the year so we all just take it off.

Reading week is a lie. I had to put that out there to start. It is a holiday that has completely lost they purpose it was set out for. It was a celebration of literacy instigated by Xandyr Whatley, Grand Wizard of Cthulhu to encourage other cultists to read. However, the holiday has lost the path it was set. Less than 1% of Canadians celebrate reading week with the traditional six days of reading books of infernal knowledge and then performing a bloody sacrificial rite to one of the great old ones. What do I say to this? We need to put the heart and soul back into reading week. I am not innocent of not practicing the holiday as it was intend. But change starts with you. Lets analyzes some ways we can still honor the roots of the holiday while having some freedom, after all who wants to spend six days in a dungeon reading about how to call upon Fungus from Yuggoth?
   Partying: Drinking and partying are wonderful. I love them, I love to read pornography while eating pop-corn, There is nothing that sates my deep lust for all things decadent save this and partying. Partying is an activity that since it often results in passing out from exhaustion, drunkenness, or burning out is very good for having really strange dreams. And Xandyr Whatley; the founder of the holiday, loved nothing more than a strange dream that perchance he had a chance to view things most strange or nefarious. So by all means drink and party to your hearts content, just try and write down any really weird dreams. Like the one I had last night, I had to choose a color because I couldn't juggle cats if I was orange or gray. Only green people can juggle cats.
   Visiting Family: Visiting family is an unacceptable use of family/reading week. Unless you have a group sacrifice of a goat on your kitchen table you have wasted a week of your life. Seriously, family is really overrated. Or maybe mine is? They do throw rocks at me and call me a black sheep. I never could really figure out why.
   Working: To make a living some of us have to toil day in and day out for money. That is so we can pay for rent, food, gas, utilities, mind-altering psychoactive drugs and the wonderful starburst. Which are delicious and notorious for being addictive. Did you know you get Vitamin C from eating starburst? The naked guy I met one night at a bus stop near El Peso told me so. Then again I was doing a lot of peyote that night. Working is an acceptable use for reading week, provided you work for a faceless uncaring corporation. Which is pretty much everyone. In which case it mirrors our idiot servitude to the great old ones.
   Being slothful: as far as sins go, sloth is the easiest. You don't even have to get out of bed to work on it. This sin is an acceptable way to spend any amount of time. Since sins are fun things! Like types of food! You haven't lived until you have tried them all. However if your slothfulness is from sickness then I wag my finger at you. You should have been trying to beat your illness by drinking copious amounts of orange juice and vodka. A good screwdriver will fix anything, that is what Wade from hardware used to tell me.
   Nothing in particular: If you basically just puttered around for the entirety to reading week. You I have to commend for your bravery. Not accomplishing anything for the entire week of reading week is a feat indeed. A great feat that one could interpret as an eerie look at our own mortality. But I believe Victor De Sadistic has already gone over that enough times that even 'I' am sick of hearing about it. How many times can you say 'the absolute soul numbing experience of it all' in one sentence anyway? Shall we try? I believe the absolute soul numbing experience of it all is absolute and complete in its wholly the absolute soul numbing experience of it all which is eternal and maddening for the absolute soul numbing experience of it all is incredible as it is tantamount to oblivion. Three times, better luck next time I suppose. Regardless; congratulations meat-bag! You are a success at doing nothing. Just think, if Jerry Seinfeld filmed your week he would have another twenty millions dollars.
   Well that is a rough idea of whether you spent your week properly. I don't think anyone other than some of the old boys back home in the old country actually got to do the old fashioned sacrifice this year. Goat prices are ridiculous over there. Anyways, hopefully you did something along one of the lines of what I had described. Congratulations on honoring the horrors that lie on the edge of reality and madness and may the memories of such a wonderful time tide you over when the stars change.

[saint aini]

1. They let you get away with this?
2. You know why the contract was not renewed.

[Bharlion]

Not really. I think they all hated me but didn't want to have the hastle of firing a contract worker since I got all my sections in ahead of time.

I think it was the cannibalism thing from Brugnahk. They never let me know about any of the "hate" mail I recieved or complaints so I never changed what I was writing. Except when one editor asked for scorpios horoscope to not be centered around sex anymore, I don't know why I think she was just uptight.

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

OH LAWL!!!