Who is the Redrum/Murder Guy? (The Full picture is at teh Bottom!) FYP

[Bharlion]

It is me!

I am the Murder guy. Yes. That picture is of me, when I used to work at the newspaper office. Funny stories I could tell about the office. The stuff I used to stick into the paper. I will post and example of the horoscopes I used to publish.

Aries – A stitch in time would have confused Einstein. Jupiter tells me you have a long week ahead of you. You will have to wake up, do things, go back too sleep. Repeat this about seven times, and if you are lucky the week will pass without major incident. If not then you might die. Not that you will. Unless you do. In which case I'm sorry about not warning you about the killer bees. Your lucky form of procrastination is 'face-booking.' All your comments are just another brick in the wall.

Taurus - All power corrupts, but we need the electricity. Don't mess with big business. That is my message from the moon Luna this week. You should avoid any politicians with agendas involving exposing organized crime or conspiracies. You don't want to get involved in this. Nobody saw anything and neither did you. Go back to your lives now. Your lucky form of procrastination is hot sex. Liberty-X anyone?

Gemini - Anarchy - it's not the law, it's just a good idea. Your evil twin from the bizarro universe is in town this week. Expect to be blamed for the disappearances of several prostitutes, a bank heist and numerous acts of vandalism. Just keep a low profile until it blows over. Mercury advises you avoid travel because of car trouble. Your lucky form of procrastination is playing video games. I played the first three and the fourth one's trailer looks so cool. I need that game now.

Cancer - Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. Ursa Major tells me that your future is hazy this week because of the coming storm. Don't fly anywhere until it blows over and avoid anyone who has a vowel in their name. Stop stealing things from the study center, the security is catching on. Your lucky form of procrastination is assorted drugs. I don't have a problem man. I am expanding my mind and my-I-am–so–HIGH.

Leo - Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. You need to keep your paws out of other peoples litter-boxes if you know what I mean. This week will be chock full of self induced social chaos. Never lose a bet to an Irish man. Your lucky form of procrastination is partying hard. If you don't go then everyone will notice and talk badly about you like on one of those folly teen television programs.

Virgo - I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere. Ursa Minor tells me that you will have a bout of madness this week when you find yourself face to face with your worst nightmare. Just keep your composure and don't lose your cool. If you can't then your crap filled pants will dishonor your family. Nobody ever dies from fright. Your lucky form of procrastination is television. A brand new religion, you can control peoples thoughts with tiny dots of light.

Libra - Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. Saturn is saying that you will be afflicted with a horrible virus this week. Your computer will anyways. Go out and get a good anti-virus program before it happens. You will thank me later and put some money in a coat you don't wear that often. You will need it. Stash a shiv in the same coat. Don't worry you will be fine. Your lucky form of procrastination is list making. You know you do it. Don't deny it.

Scorpio - What if this weren't a hypothetical question? Venus tells me that sex is on your mind this week but you must not lose sight of your true goals. You must retrieve the mummified hand of Ishmael Noirrac before the full next full moon. Other wise there will be more cattle mutilations. Think of the cows and do the right thing. Your lucky form of procrastination is naps. Power nap my foot! You stole my life.

Sagittarius - All general statements are false. Accept that you a but a mortal and stop trying to make an immortality serum every weekend. The neighbours think you are cooking amphetamine in your basement. You really don't want to have to explain to the police that they you are surrounded by idiots and you will show them all one day. Your lucky form of procrastination is hanging out with friends. Real ones, the ones in your head don't count.

Capricorn - Life is a sexually transmitted disease. You survived having your alien implant removed without incident. Now just go back to your humdrum life and stop watching the skies. When they return you will be the first to know. They are here. Your lucky form of procrastination is watching the skies for intelligent life. I want to believe.

Aquarius - It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. You won't remember anything from this week. Not by choice but because there is something you don't know about yourself. Which you will learn later! In the mean time, eat better, try and get out more with friends and be happy. What you will learn later will ruin your life forever. Sorry. Your lucky form of procrastination is ignorance. Maybe if I pretend to not remember the work will just go away.

Pisces - Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a snappy utility-belt loaded with plastic explosives. Don't forget your ski mask this week. You will need it at the airport. Your romantic comedy like plan to win back the love of your life will not go as planned because nobody has heard of the 'Love-Bomb' song. You will get shot in the airport when you burst into song. Sorry. Your lucky form of procrastination is making explosives out of common house hold items. Hey, has anyone seen Teddy K.?

(modded by ECH to add paragraph breaks)

[Cramulus]

those are pretty good. I'd kill to see that stuff in print.

Hard to read though. Could you edit it and add line breaks?

[hooplala]

Yeah, what Cram said. 

It looks like a page from a Hubert Selby Jr book.

[Bharlion]

They used to have it on my newspaper website before I was fired. I don't know if it is still posted. They let me send in the occasional weekly one now but I don't get to put anything else in.

http://www.themeliorist.ca/

They used to post them. But no longer. I don't know why.

[Bharlion]

Here is a great big version of my Murder/Redrum picture. For all you MURDERCHURCH fans out there.


FOR YOUR PLEASURE.

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