My current state of optimism

[Z³]

Thou Shalt Not Hesitate

The lesser part of my soul is smoke and mirrors, that which occupies my body and performs but the most mundane tasks, that which pays my rent and bills, that which appeases my girlfriend without passion (firstly), also appeases myself and the renter (and my boss, and and bill collector) secondly. The greater part of my soul exists despite this, in defiance of my own conscious, acting against my will in direct defiance... urging me towards acts of self destruction, which the lesser part excuses as acts of passion, though I know no passion remains. What is my body now but an empty shell, that I shall destroy at my own leisure? I am completely content in this interpretation of it. That dreams be nothing but useless reminder of a memory, of what I once called a soul.

The future? My future is debt, something once I resisted to the very detriment of my being, broken bones go unfixed, a broken education to be mended through wikipedia, a broken soul to be mended through what? Eris? Chaos, at the very core of my being, earning me what? Street Cred? Not if you dont say it, not if you dont learn the Boast. Valuable life lessons learned, but I still dont CARE. Who is going to make me give a fuck? A difficult burden to place on the most ancient muses, not Calliope, but perhaps Melpomene... however, I still intend to manifest my own destiny. So the question remains; What do I want? I still dont know.

I find comfort in a few things in life, and willingly dedicate myself to these things. Entropy. Hopelessness, Death, and Decay. This is not to sound mall-goth, I just find comfort knowing that the wasted efforts of my life will someday be recycled energy. Knowing that this cycle does not end with me, and that perhaps humanity should not feel so self righteous about possessing consciousness itself. Bleak winters, hard times, a troubled past... this is a legacy to be proud of, and pain itself is a valuable experience. Experience itself, its valuable... no matter what; All manner of so called negative feelings are to be cherished, because at the very least we are experiencing, though some feelings perhaps justify the thought that I would rather not experience at all.

Though, In my case, I would.

I want all the pain life has to offer.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Well, pain is the spice of life.