Advice Puppy thread

[Cain]

Dear Advice Puppy,

I hate myself and I want to die.  Any advice?

GAD DAMNIT I'M AT WORK NOW

AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, ADVICE PUPPY


WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?

[Cramulus]

Keep slapping yourselves, I haven't told you to finish yet.

Dear Advice Puppy,

When can I stop?

[Thurnez Isa]

Dear Puppy of Wisdom

what should we do with Uncle BadTouch?

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

Dear Advice Puppy,

My friend almost put me in the hospital the other night but nothing happened besides a bunch of insults and glaring. He's in his late 30's, did time in a federal prison, is around 250 lbs and 6'6". I'm about 150 lbs, 6'1" and haven't practiced martial arts in years, so he could have crushed me like an ant. I heard he feels embarrassed about menacing me (especially since he was the only one making any sort of threats and getting in my face and shit) and would still like to be my friend. He hasn't contacted me though, it's all second hand but reliable information.

How should I proceed?

[Cain]

Keep slapping yourselves, I haven't told you to finish yet.

Dear Advice Puppy,

When can I stop?

[Cain]

Dear Puppy of Wisdom

what should we do with Uncle BadTouch?

[Cain]

Dear Advice Puppy,

My friend almost put me in the hospital the other night but nothing happened besides a bunch of insults and glaring. He's in his late 30's, did time in a federal prison, is around 250 lbs and 6'6". I'm about 150 lbs, 6'1" and haven't practiced martial arts in years, so he could have crushed me like an ant. I heard he feels embarrassed about menacing me (especially since he was the only one making any sort of threats and getting in my face and shit) and would still like to be my friend. He hasn't contacted me though, it's all second hand but reliable information.

How should I proceed?

[Shibboleet The Annihilator]

Dear advice puppy,

There is this ridiculously hot girl who I am pretty sure likes me but I told her I was off the market and she told me she was too but she's been giving me fuck-me-eyes for months and keeps complimenting me on my looks. What should I do?

Sincerely,
-A guy who asks internet puppies for advice and writes run-on sentences

[BADGE OF HONOR]

Just fuck her already.

[Shibboleet The Annihilator]

You are not a puppy and you certainly aren't advice puppy.

[BADGE OF HONOR]

So, advice puppy is the only one allowed to give out bad advice around here?

[Shibboleet The Annihilator]

I suppose not, maybe you should try pasting your face wearing a whimsical expression on a colorful background and answering people in bold caps-locked messages.

[Cain]

Dear advice puppy,

There is this ridiculously hot girl who I am pretty sure likes me but I told her I was off the market and she told me she was too but she's been giving me fuck-me-eyes for months and keeps complimenting me on my looks. What should I do?

Sincerely,
-A guy who asks internet puppies for advice and writes run-on sentences

[BADGE OF HONOR]

I suppose not, maybe you should try pasting your face wearing a whimsical expression on a colorful background and answering people in bold caps-locked messages.

Too much effort.

[Cain]

Just fuck her already.