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Items of Infamy #1: The Dildoes of Nigell

Started by Richter, October 03, 2008, 12:39:13 AM

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Richter

October 03, 2008, 12:39:13 AM
The Dildoes of Nigel

Oft mentioned in the same regard as the Iron Maiden of Nuremberg or the Rack of the White Tower, the Dildoes of Nigel hailed from one of the Inquisition's more terrifying periods.  Mentioned only in scribbles at the back of the first edition Maleus Maleficarum, and often dismissed as a perverted scribes joke, the horrid truth is that these dildoes DID exist.

Excerpt as such:

"At such time that the nobility of ::obscured:: province began to accuse each other of heresy and witchcraft for their own profit, an Inquisitor was dispatched to discover the truth of the matter. 
     A  suspect was brought before the court and asked to confess their heretical belief and practice.  When refusing, they would be foretold that they would suffer torture to extract the truth, and the dildoes would be shown unto them.  At the merest sight of these implements both the stoic and the frail, be they woman or man, confessed, preferring flames at the stake to torment upon the dildoes.  This is moft fortunate, for in such time as elapsed since their last employment, that no agent of the inquisition knew how for to use them in the extraction of truth. 
     So terrible were they to the very mind of the  sufpect, that even a doughty old gentle, renowned for deed on the field of war and at the hunt, believed to be hearty and tough in every way, did faint dead away at their sight.  He was revived with a draught of strong vinegar,and promptly made his confession.  He met death at the stake gladly, for the sight had caused him develop a moft horrible prolapfe of the bowelf.
     it should be recorded that in dimension, thee Dildoes were a score and three ::unit of measure obscured: in length, and five ::unit ofmeasure obscured:: about the circumference.
May Lord God have mercy upon they who created and knew them!"

::Diagram obscured by varicoloredstain::
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on May 22, 2015, 03:00:53 AM
Anyone ever think about how Richter inhabits the same reality as you and just scream and scream and scream, but in a good way?   :lulz:

Friendly Neighborhood Mentat

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#1
October 03, 2008, 12:45:50 AM
 :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

Darth Cupcake

#2
October 03, 2008, 03:20:42 PM
I JUST POOMPED MY PANCE
Be the trouble you want to see in the world.

Cramulus

#3
October 03, 2008, 04:34:07 PM
 :potd:

Cramulus

#5
October 03, 2008, 07:35:43 PM
should go in the Discordians in History thread

Sir Squid Diddimus

#6
October 04, 2008, 10:21:06 PM
 :lulz:

Richter

#7
October 06, 2008, 05:11:56 PM
:thanks:
Thanks all.

Quote from: Cramulus on October 03, 2008, 07:35:43 PM
should go in the Discordians in History thread

Cross-posted  :)
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on May 22, 2015, 03:00:53 AM
Anyone ever think about how Richter inhabits the same reality as you and just scream and scream and scream, but in a good way?   :lulz:

Friendly Neighborhood Mentat

The Good Reverend Roger

#9
September 11, 2009, 09:13:07 PM
Fact:  Nigel has one dildo that is called by the local villagers "The Black Monk".  It is known to scare grown men into catatonia by the mere mention of its name.

" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#10
September 12, 2009, 12:08:58 AM
Oh jesus fuck!  :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

Richter

#11
September 12, 2009, 03:57:17 PM
The myth that the Hebrew Ark of the Covenant would strike down anyone who touched it was based on Nigel cocksmaking heathens for putting their feet on her coffee table.
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on May 22, 2015, 03:00:53 AM
Anyone ever think about how Richter inhabits the same reality as you and just scream and scream and scream, but in a good way?   :lulz:

Friendly Neighborhood Mentat

The Good Reverend Roger

#12
September 12, 2009, 05:12:29 PM
Quote from: Richter on September 12, 2009, 03:57:17 PM
The myth that the Hebrew Ark of the Covenant would strike down anyone who touched it was based on Nigel cocksmaking heathens for putting their feet on her coffee table.

And then there's the rumored "Thing That Should Not Be", the dildo supposedly dug up on the fabled and forbidden plateau of Leng, which makes witnesses Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh Wgah'nagl fhtan Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Triple Zero

#13
September 12, 2009, 10:39:04 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on September 12, 2009, 05:12:29 PM
Quote from: Richter on September 12, 2009, 03:57:17 PM
The myth that the Hebrew Ark of the Covenant would strike down anyone who touched it was based on Nigel cocksmaking heathens for putting their feet on her coffee table.

And then there's the rumored "Thing That Should Not Be", the dildo supposedly dug up on the fabled and forbidden plateau of Leng, which makes witnesses Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh Wgah'nagl fhtan Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel.

I see you finally figured out the lyrics to Mosselman?
Ex-Soviet Bloc Sexual Attack Swede of Tomorrow™
e-prime disclaimer: let it seem fairly unclear I understand the apparent subjectivity of the above statements. maybe.

INFORMATION SO POWERFUL, YOU ACTUALLY NEED LESS.

Pope Pixie Pickle

#14
September 12, 2009, 11:53:08 PM
Quote from: Triple Zero on September 12, 2009, 10:39:04 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on September 12, 2009, 05:12:29 PM
Quote from: Richter on September 12, 2009, 03:57:17 PM
The myth that the Hebrew Ark of the Covenant would strike down anyone who touched it was based on Nigel cocksmaking heathens for putting their feet on her coffee table.

And then there's the rumored "Thing That Should Not Be", the dildo supposedly dug up on the fabled and forbidden plateau of Leng, which makes witnesses Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh Wgah'nagl fhtan Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel.

I see you finally figured out the lyrics to Mosselman?

:lulz:
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