Durn-fool kids

[Manta Obscura]

In light of Halloween/Trick-or-Treat coming up soon, I thought I might try my hand at posting my first rant on the PD pages. This is actually a rant from a blog that I don't keep up anymore. The entry's original title was "Why Trick-or-Treaters Piss Me Off." It is still valid, because every damn year these little punks come around to visit. God I hate teenagers.

Anyway, hope you enjoy:

Why Trick-or-Treaters Piss Me Off
by M.O.

I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "How could that jerk hate the little trick-or-treater kids?  They're so cute!"  Or, if you're one of the slightly more cantankerous viewers of this blog, you're probably thinking, "Yeah, I agree; little kids piss me off also."

   Well, I'm here to say that I have no beef with the little kids.  They are diminuitive, and loud, and annoying, but they work for their candy, dammit.  I sit outside every year handing out candy, and every little kid that comes by usually has a bright smile on his/her little impish face, and each and every one of those little buggers usually have on some pretty awesome costumes that I would have killed to wear when I was little.  No, my beef is not with these loud and zealous youngsters.  My beef is with the punk teenagers.

   You know who I'm talking about.  I'm talking about those sarcastic, obnoxious 14-17 year olds who come to your door, dressed in no costume except the vague and fruitless guise of a misguided Abercrombie and Fitch poser.  Wearing no costume at all, these little punks hold out their pillow case/bag/whatever, NOT SAYING "TRICK OR TREAT," and simply expect you to dump a handful of candy into their already bulging cache of sweets.  Then, they turn around without saying thank you and they walk off.

   What's even worse is when you try to corner them about the issue, and ask, "So what are you supposed to be?"  Many of them will be silenced by the audacity of this remark, but since obnoxious 14-17 year olds are naturally group animals, there will always be that one little shit who will say something like, "We're apathetic high school students," or

"We're serial killers, and just look like normal people," or

"We're ungrateful little jerks who don't have the money for costumes because our parents won't buy them for us, and we are whiney babies who won't go out and work to get a costume.  Furthermore, we're too cool to say 'trick or treat,' yet not too cool to go around collecting candy like idiots."

   Actually, I've never heard anyone say that last one.  I wish I did, because if the kids were honest enough to admit all of that, then I would have no problem in giving them candy.  Hell, I might even give them an extra bag of M & M's or something.  But they never do say that, and so they get what I call the Joke Prize: the nastiest, most generic gum that I can scrounge out of my candy supply.

   If we are ever going to stop the apathetic teenagers from being a drain on Trick-or-Treat society, then the Joke Prize must be embraced.  It is wonderful to see the look on those little turds' faces: it is a look of loss, of sadness and, most importantly, of defeat.  They know what their apathy has earned them.  It has earned them the stale, hard gum of the Trick or Treat bounty.  It is what they deserve, and the look of dejection on their face as they trudge away in their droopy pants and school hoodies will bring glee and triumph to your heart.  Trust me, it's not a cruel thing to feel good about their suffering.  This is how God would have wanted it.

  So I entreat you: for the sake of the cool-costume-wearing little kids everywhere, please help me in my cause to stop the tide of Apathetic Teens.  Embrace the power of the Joke Prize.  Start buying your generic, nasty gum right now, and give it time to get nice and stale for next year's Halloween.  Help your fellow Halloween lovers to ensure that Trick or Treating won't be ruined by these stupid punks any longer.

   Their happiness is our defeat.  So let us give them stale candy, and watch as they weep and curse at us, retreating to their dark and black-walled rooms to write poetry about how hard their life is, while some god-awful emo band wails unmelodically in the background.  That is their fate for their greed, and we should be happy to give it to them.

   Stupid kids.

[Golden Applesauce]

I agree completely.  I am not allowed to answer the door on Halloween because my family got tired of me being "rude" to obnoxious teenagers.  (often the same teenagers who made fun of me on the school bus, incidentally.)

This behaviour is not limited to teenagers anymore.  Younger and younger people are buying into the "gangsta" meme, and being "gangstas" for Halloween.  I'm not talking about people who go ridiculously over the top and have elaborate rapper costumes, but the kids who go in their normal clothes and just act like assholes, because apparently being an asshole is cool in the "gangsta" world.

Worst by far are the young parents who come carrying an ittybitty baby, not old enough to be weaned, and a bulging sack of candy.  Buy your own damn candy.  Your baby is not going to eat this candy, hell, it doesn't even have teeth.

[Manta Obscura]

I agree completely.  I am not allowed to answer the door on Halloween because my family got tired of me being "rude" to obnoxious teenagers.  (often the same teenagers who made fun of me on the school bus, incidentally.)

This behaviour is not limited to teenagers anymore.  Younger and younger people are buying into the "gangsta" meme, and being "gangstas" for Halloween.  I'm not talking about people who go ridiculously over the top and have elaborate rapper costumes, but the kids who go in their normal clothes and just act like assholes, because apparently being an asshole is cool in the "gangsta" world.

Worst by far are the young parents who come carrying an ittybitty baby, not old enough to be weaned, and a bulging sack of candy.  Buy your own damn candy.  Your baby is not going to eat this candy, hell, it doesn't even have teeth.

Amen, my friend.

I hate the gansta kids/teens, too. The one exception was this one kid who came to my door dressed as a zombified Tupac. I thought that was really clever.

With the young parents that come holding the babies, I've taken to being an outright dick to them and telling them to go away. The way I figure it, they can get all pissy about it, but unlike with the kids/teens, they won't egg my house or anything. It's easier to tell someone to zark off when you know you won't have to worry about cleaning up t.p. from your rooftop later.

The one exception to the parent/infant rule was this one time that a lady brought buy a little boy dressed up like Winston Churchill. She said she was inspired by that one dude (can't remember his name; I think it might have been Terry Pratchett) who said that all little babies look like PM Churchill. I heartily agreed and gave her five packs of M&Ms for her creativity.

[Mangrove]

The baby has to smoke a cigar or the deal's off.

[Elder Iptuous]

Good!
incidentally, last year there was a group of three moms accompaning thier children to the door, two of which were old enough to say 'trick or treat' but one had the aforementioned itty bitty baby dressed up and, since it was towards the end of the night, my wife was being pretty generous with the candy and stuffed a gobb into the two kids bags and then when she started to stuff a gobb into the bag of the lady holding the baby (she had to be 250 lbs, easy), the lady said 'Oh no! he can't eat that much candy!'
oh jeebus, lady!

also i'm definitely buying some of that rock gum tonight.  wunderbar idea, MO.

[Manta Obscura]

The baby has to smoke a cigar or the deal's off.

Unfortunately the baby did not have a cigar. I'll have to track down that baby and tell him that he owes me some M&Ms.

[Cain]

Halloween's not that big other here.  We'll get kids under 10, probably with their parents, and a few scary films.  Oh, and some themed party at the local bar which I can't afford to go to because I'm broke.

[The Dark Monk]

If I had money to give, we'd go party. I also need another month before I can go to a bar.
Btw, the Fail Prize for the rude teenagers, I always kept the rest of my old stale melted seperated oily peanut butter candy from last halloween in my closet to hand out in handfuls to asswipes that come to my door.
Diarrhea, the ultimate Trick.

[Jenne]

Amen, Dude.  I feel you.  These little jerkwads and their smirks are what cause me to make sure I have the bottle of wine ret teh go.  I love this holiday, always have, it's MY holiday, but it's annoying when the turds who want to ruin it for everyone do so.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I must be lucky or something, because around here the older kids are always just accompanying their younger siblings and they usually don't want any candy, or, god forbid, to be mistaken for a Trick-or-Treater because they are TOO OLD, practically GROWN UP even, and they want you to know it.

The parents with babies are just excited about getting to trick-or-treat. They're jumping the gun by a couple of years, but for real, I think they just want the fun of dressing the kid up and going door-to-door.

[Jenne]

Yeah, I didn't go for candy when I took my kiddo--I did it for the brainwashing.    I actually just accompanied older kids with my kids in the stroller.

[Elder Iptuous]

Well, i went ahead and took your advice.  I went to the dollar store today and bought some extra stale old dubble bubble 'gum'.   I looked for the chocolate coins fortified with melanine, but couldn't find any...

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

When my kids were younger I took them out for the annual candy begging.  There were these two teenagers dressed up as Dracula and he was walking the other kid who was dressed as a werewolf on a leash.  They were out to terrify the little kids and would chase and jump out at them.  Well they had my daughter in tears when my youngest son (dressed as Batman) told them to leave his sister alone.  The werewolf gets in his face and say what are you going to do Batman?  Duston stepped back and just like he learned in Tae Kwon Do did a perfect roundhouse straight into the werewolfs groin.  As the werewolf is laying on the ground howling in agony, his friend looks down at him and says Dude, Batman kicked your ass.....

It was one of my best Halloweens 

This year the boys have friends over for a movie marathon and I take my daughter out.  She only has a couple more years before she's too old.  I just don't let my kids trick or treat after they turn 12.  They have to find alternate entertainment and pay for it themselves because if they steal my eggs or TP they are DEAD!

[Manta Obscura]

Well, i went ahead and took your advice.  I went to the dollar store today and bought some extra stale old dubble bubble 'gum'.   I looked for the chocolate coins fortified with melanine, but couldn't find any...

Aww, buck up, Iptuous; it's okay. You can always order some online from a candy supplier, and give it time to get all stale for next year. Preparation is key when dealing with the teenage punks.

Oh, and kudos on the Dubble Bubble. That stuff is atrocious. This year I didn't do the gum. Instead, I went to the dollar store and found packets of cat-shaped Peeps that apparently expired on "December 10, 2005."

[Jenne]

When my kids were younger I took them out for the annual candy begging.  There were these two teenagers dressed up as Dracula and he was walking the other kid who was dressed as a werewolf on a leash.  They were out to terrify the little kids and would chase and jump out at them.  Well they had my daughter in tears when my youngest son (dressed as Batman) told them to leave his sister alone.  The werewolf gets in his face and say what are you going to do Batman?  Duston stepped back and just like he learned in Tae Kwon Do did a perfect roundhouse straight into the werewolfs groin.  As the werewolf is laying on the ground howling in agony, his friend looks down at him and says Dude, Batman kicked your ass.....

It was one of my best Halloweens 

This year the boys have friends over for a movie marathon and I take my daughter out.  She only has a couple more years before she's too old.  I just don't let my kids trick or treat after they turn 12.  They have to find alternate entertainment and pay for it themselves because if they steal my eggs or TP they are DEAD!

TITCM  I think if they can get together and watch movies, go to parties, etc., much better.  T-o-t'ing is primarily for the 13 year olds and younger around here, too.  Rare to see high schoolers...though we saw them in LA *alot* when we lived there.

The parents t-o-t'ing with their OWN pillowcases are so crass, imho.  Ugh.  Don't see a lot of that here, either...