Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)

[Lies]

What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
The 12 year old in my trunk. 

[Cainad (dec.)]

What, has Apple Talk become Spider Robinson's Crosstime Saloon now?

I have no idea what that means, but I sure hope it's a tongue-in-cheek compliment or something because this thread has actually put a smile on my face multiple times.

[Kai]

What, has Apple Talk become Spider Robinson's Crosstime Saloon now?

I have no idea what that means, but I sure hope it's a tongue-in-cheek compliment or something because this thread has actually put a smile on my face multiple times.

In Spider Robinson's short stories about the Callahan Crosstime Saloon, there is this joke telling contest where each person tries to out do the rest by telling a long winded joke with a horrible pun at the end. If someone guesses the punchline before the end, they loose for the evening. The person with the most horrible pun that gets the most groans and screams of horror wins.

THATS what I was referring to.

[Cainad (dec.)]

Well in that case, this thread has definitely become the Callahan Crosstime Saloon.

Apple Talk's status as the general repository for spaggotry, drama, fail, lail, furry pr0n, and goofy pictures is not about to change any time soon.

[Kai]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Callahan's_Crosstime_Saloon for further reference

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

My friend just made up this terrible joke:

a scientist walks into a bar

the bartender says "what do you want to drink?"

the scientist says "whiskey"

the joke is that the scientist is sad that he broke the experiment so he wants a whiskey.

[P3nT4gR4m]

My friend just made up this terrible joke:

a scientist walks into a bar

the bartender says "what do you want to drink?"

the scientist says "whiskey"

the joke is that the scientist is sad that he broke the experiment so he wants a whiskey.

Holy fuck, this joke may have the potential to destroy all humour as we know it 

[indigoblade]

A blind man walks into a bar, he sais "ouch".

[Triple Zero]

a few more, from my old dusty collection of horrible jokes:

	- Knock, knock. - Who's there? - The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband   is in hospital.
A man walks into a pub. He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
		Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge? She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
What do you call a cat with no tail? A manx cat.	Why do undertakers wear ties? Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
	How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb? One.	Why do women fake orgasms? Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'		Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
	Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell Pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest	A boy walks in a shop n asks for two loaves of bread n a bag of boiled sweets. D'you wanna bag for that asks the shopkeeper. No it's ok, says the boy, i've got me bike outside.

and some more actually semi-funny ones:

Q: how do you stop a clown from laughing????
A: hit him in the face with an axe!

Bloke goes to the doctors.
Bloke: Doctor, I feel like a moth.
Doctor: Well, I think you need a psychiatrist not a doctor.
Bloke: Yes, I know.
Doctor: So why are you here then?
Bloke: The light was on.

Ok, ok, you guys, this is a great one. Ok, How does an OCTOPUS go to WAR? Anybody? Huh?
Huh? *snicker* An OCTOPUS going to WAR, how does he do it? *giggle* Do you know? Anybody
know? Ok, here it is -- this is a great one guys -- he goes to wa--wait, let me repeat the
question. How does an OCTOPUS go to WAR? ................. ARMED! Bwahahahahaaaa!!!! Get
it?? Get it??? LOL LOL LOLOL!! It's an OCTOPUS, and he goes to war ARMED ..... because the
octopus-- octopi, they have-- don't you get it?

Q: Why did the monkey get lost?
A: Because jungle is massive!

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "You operate the cannon, I'll drive."

two men were standing on the top of a cliff, one had two parrots on his shoulders and the
other had a load of budgies stuffed down his jacket
the first guy jumped off and on his way down he shot the parrots on his shoulders, hit the
ground, and broke his back
the next guy with the budgies jumped off, and hit the ground feathers everywhere!
on the ground the first guy said to the other,
"oh! that parrot shooting didnt really work did it?"
the other replied,
"no! and the budgie jumping went a bit wrong too"

2 old grannies at the café havin a coffee
one says to the other "did u come on the bus?"
"yeah but i pretended it was an asthma attack"

more later

[Richter]

Two old ladies meet outside their nursing home for a smoke.  As they each start their second cigarette, it begins to rain.  The first lady, undeterred, pulls out a condom, deftly removes the tip with sewing scissors, rolls it over her smoke, and takes another drag. 

The second little old lady sees this, and is impressed.

"Where do you get those funny rubber things?" , she asks.  "I could sure use some."

"They're called condoms.  I get them at the pharmacists, but you have to ask at the counter for them.", her friend replies.

So the little old lady heads to the pharmacy, and goes to the counter.

"Good afternoon,", says the pharmacist, "What can I help you with?"

"I'd like a pack of condoms.", she tells him.

The pharmacist is somewhat taken aback at this, but remains professional.  "What size would you like, ma'am?"

"Oh, I don't know", say the elderly lady, "What's the right size for a Camel?"

[Triple Zero]

A bear goes into a bar & says "I'll have...


















... a pint of lager please"
and the barman says "Why the big pause?"

[indigoblade]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. The bartender sais "hey, no pets!". The guy sais "I promise I'll make sure he doesn't mess up the place." The bartender agrees to serve the guy and the monkey and him sit down. The monkey goes ape-shit and beggins throwing peanuts, brakes some mugs and finishes off by swallowing the eightball. The bartender yells "Alright GTFO and don't bring that damn monkey back!"

After a couple of weeks the guy decides he has been away for long enough so the bartender may let him come back. When he enters the bar with the monkey the bartender sais "Oh no, not you again." To which the guy replies "it's ok, I've got him trained priofessionaly now." The guy and monkey sit at the bar at the bartenders uneasy acceptance and the guy orders a beer. The monkey reaches for a peanut then, sticks it up his ass, then eats it. "I thought you said you had him trained." sais the bar tender. "I did." sais the guy.
"So what is the monkey doing then?" asks the bartender. The guy replies "Checking for size".

[Triple Zero]

Scientist today exhumed Beethoven from his grave, when they opened the coffin, they were
shocked to see him playing the piano backwards, when asked what this meant a spokesman said
he was de-composing.

MSBNC have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from
Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View

Q: What do you call a Spaniard who loses his car?
A: Carlos!



....(Dave and Chris) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed
man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to
speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Chris: - No way - he's a geologist.
Dave: - He ain't no geologist! A geologist wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave
and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a
urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a
living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er....mmm....well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then
you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you
haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a
regular basis?
Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Chris: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Chris: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Chris: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker

[fomenter]

Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker

[Triple Zero]

A circus owner is at home and hears a knock at the door. Opening it, he finds a man
standing there with a carrier bag in his hand.

"Can I help you?" the circus owner asks.

"Yes," replies the man, "I have a great act which will be a hit with your circus."

"And what would that be?" he asks.

"I am the man that can feel no pain" he declares. "Hit me, burn me - I feel no pain."

The man reaches into his carrier bag and hands the circus owner a large hammer.

"Go on." says the man "Hit me on the head with it."

"But..."

"It's all right," says the man, "I'll feel no pain. Go on."

The circus owner takes the hammer and delivers the most restrained tap to the man's head.
The man yelps, clasps his head and falls to the ground. The circus owner, frantic with
worry, calls for an ambulance and soon the man is taken to hospital. He goes into a coma.

The circus owner, overwhelmed with guilt, visits the man every night and sits by his
bedside. After three months, the man sits bolt upright in his bed and goes "Ta-Daaaaaaaaa!"




How do you catch a unique rabbit?
  Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
  Tame way, unique up on it.




Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building
had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8,
level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17,
level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26,
level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35,
level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in
case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The
system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6,
level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15,
level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24,
level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33,
level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the
pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager,
turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the
building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The
accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact,
workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7,
level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16,
level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25,
level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34,
level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should
he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss
back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your
joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on
level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10,
level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19,
level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28,
level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37,
level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"

But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on
so many levels."