Intermittens Idea: Manta's Zodiac Column

[Manta Obscura]

Hi all,

It suddenly struck me that Intermittens might benefit from a quasi-serious Whoroscope column (my suggestion for the title: Whoroscope). In case anyone wants to add such a thing to the mag, I'll kick off the first column right here:

Your Birthday Today
November [Insert Date Here], 2008

Happy anniversary of being pushed headfirst from your mother's vagina! Today will bring an unexpected surprise or two from a person you haven't met in awhile. I don't wanna spoil the fun, so I'll just say this: it rhymes with menital merpes.

Aries
March 21-April 19

You'll incur some unexpected expenses in the coming months, mainly in the form of strip-club bills. Try to counteract this financial offset with some extra frugality right now.

Taurus
April 20-May 20

You'll receive an unexpected and pleasant call today from some piece of ass that totally wants to jump your bones. Unfortunately, the resulting Butterfly Effect from the phone ringing will cause the destruction of a village in India. Good luck dealing with your guilt, fucker.

Gemini
May 21-June 20

Mars is in peak zenith to the arc of Saturn at Capricorn, and erstwhile the astrological configurations of Io are in conjunction with the thelema of your body's quark spin. You know what that means . . .

Cancer
June 21-July 22

Your astrological sign is retarded, and causes pain and suffering to millions. Go throw yourself to the river.

Leo
July 23-August 22

Marital relations should be approached with caution in the next few days. Especially since your wife caught you crooning the name of that new hottie down in HR during your sleep. I mean, damn.

Virgo
August 23-September 22

You've undoubtedly been feeling a surge of energy and good vibes recently, leading you to greet others with a smile and a "Howdy-do!" in the mornings. Well, stop it. That shit is annoying for those of us who aren't morning people.

Libra
September 23-October 22

Take off that tie; you look like an idiot in purple. Your black one is at the back of your closet, on the left.

Scorpio
October 23-November 21

Go grab a copy of today's local paper and check the Advanced Crossword. You got it? Okay: do you have any idea what the hell 21 Down is supposed to be?

No?

Fuck.

Sagittarius
November 22-December 21

Cosmic forces are coalescing to send you some positive spiritual energy. Help them out with a few shots of tequila.

Capricorn
December 22-January 19

That hottie you're seeing this Friday?

Trannie. Pre-op.

Aquarius
January 20-February 18

The spirits of your deceased loved ones are cheering you on in your business endeavors from the Beyond. Ignore them and go play frisbee.

Pisces
February 19-March 20

That joke you keep telling about the parrot, the monkey and the Jehovah's Witness sucks hairy balls. The spirits and I hope you get hit by a car for your failure.

[hooplala]

This is quickly becoming a full magazine.

What would people think of a column like the Concordia Movement?  Denying and negating whatever we said in the rest of the issue?  Pointless?

[Manta Obscura]

This is quickly becoming a full magazine.

What would people think of a column like the Concordia Movement?  Denying and negating whatever we said in the rest of the issue?  Pointless?

I think that's a great idea. We could have it cite tons of neocon sources, write it in a strict traditionalist format, etc. It could be called something like "The Right Corner," or something.

[hooplala]

Well, Discordianism isn't necessarily left wing really.  Kerry Thornley was fairly right in a lot of ways.

I would vote against a right/left concept, but otherwise yeah.

[Cramulus]

Hi all,

It suddenly struck me that Intermittens might benefit from a quasi-serious Whoroscope column (my suggestion for the title: Whoroscope). In case anyone wants to add such a thing to the mag, I'll kick off the first column right here:

AWESOME.

This kicks ass. I totally like what you've written here, it's both hilarious and perfect for a magazine.

Food for thought: How to differentiate it from the Onion's [similar] horoscope column.

This is quickly becoming a full magazine.

What would people think of a column like the Concordia Movement?  Denying and negating whatever we said in the rest of the issue?  Pointless?

I think that's a good idea. It occurs to me that you're the face of two very different characters - the Central Scrutinizer and Enrico Salazar. Maybe try a column like Siskel & Ebert, where they both respond in different ways to something? An advice column would be good, (though I can't help but think Advice Puppy would be perfect to write that) but reviews or commentary on current events in Discordia would be hilarious too.

[hooplala]

I think that's a good idea. It occurs to me that you're the face of two very different characters - the Central Scrutinizer and Enrico Salazar. Maybe try a column like Siskel & Ebert, where they both respond in different ways to something? An advice column would be good, (though I can't help but think Advice Puppy would be perfect to write that) but reviews or commentary on current events in Discordia would be hilarious too.

Now that's an idea... something like a dialectic.

[Payne]

Yeah, we've had a discussion going on about having alternate viewpoints being included (in one of Cainads threads on this board, I think).

I reckon you could pull it off, BAWHEED.

Weren't you looking for another way to write Enrico interviews..?

[hooplala]

Yes.

That would work.  I will work on something for the third issue once the theme is announced.



I think I would like to take on editing an issue too, on the extreme end of Discordianism.  Like, Satanism and the Joker and things like that.  We could open with the beautiful quote from chapter 11 of the Iliad about Strife.

[Manta Obscura]

Food for thought: How to differentiate it from the Onion's [similar] horoscope column.

I've actually never read the Onion (other than a few pages when I bought my brother their "Our Dumb Century" book), so I'll have to pick up an issue and check it out to see if there are any obvious ways to differentiate. If not, I think we could do well by just writing what's fun or funny, regardless of whether or not it apes the Onion.

[Cramulus]

Food for thought: How to differentiate it from the Onion's [similar] horoscope column.

I've actually never read the Onion (other than a few pages when I bought my brother their "Our Dumb Century" book), so I'll have to pick up an issue and check it out to see if there are any obvious ways to differentiate. If not, I think we could do well by just writing what's fun or funny, regardless of whether or not it apes the Onion.

check out their horoscope section:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43951
http://origin.theonion.com/content/horoscope/sep-30-2008


to clarify: It doesn't bother me if your column is similar to the onion's column since you're obviously not plagerizing them.

[Manta Obscura]

to clarify: It doesn't bother me if your column is similar to the onion's column since you're obviously not plagerizing them.

Oh no, I hadn't meant to imply that at all, Cram. I got the sense from your post that you dug my horoscope, regardless of whether or not it was similar. I was just expressing the idea that we shouldn't be worried about being different, so long as we don't do the outright plagiarism thing. Apologies for the confusion.

Also, thank you for the links. I'll peruse them momentarily.

Tangent: if anyone wants me to switch around any of the descriptions for any reason (e.g. you want a Libra buddy to get the pre-op trannie message for Capricorn), just tell me and I can switch them if it goes into an issue of Intermittens.

[hooplala]

I think it would be amusing if the zodiac signs didn't match up with the dates they are supposed to represent. 

Like Virgo being for march instead of September, or Sagitattarius in July instead of December.  People who read horoscopes tend to be very protective of their signs, get somebody mad and you tend to wake them up for a few minutes.

[Cramulus]

This might be a little work, but
maybe come up with your own zodiac, based on the 5-seasons of the Discordian calendar?

[hooplala]

Name them after the Marx Brothers.

Q:  What's your sign?

A:  Harpo.

[Manta Obscura]

I think it would be amusing if the zodiac signs didn't match up with the dates they are supposed to represent. 

Like Virgo being for march instead of September, or Sagitattarius in July instead of December.  People who read horoscopes tend to be very protective of their signs, get somebody mad and you tend to wake them up for a few minutes.

Good idea. We could even make the timespans vastly different for each sign. For instance, I could be a total ass and give Virgo, my sign, seventy days worth of coverage (from late February to May, for instance), and give Cancer five days.

I dunno. There's a lot of possibilities.