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Intermittens Idea: Manta's Zodiac Column

Started by Manta Obscura, November 20, 2008, 04:49:58 PM

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hooplala

Quote from: Manta Obscura on November 20, 2008, 07:06:53 PM
Quote from: BAWHEED on November 20, 2008, 06:54:13 PM
I think it would be amusing if the zodiac signs didn't match up with the dates they are supposed to represent. 

Like Virgo being for march instead of September, or Sagitattarius in July instead of December.  People who read horoscopes tend to be very protective of their signs, get somebody mad and you tend to wake them up for a few minutes.

Good idea. We could even make the timespans vastly different for each sign. For instance, I could be a total ass and give Virgo, my sign, seventy days worth of coverage (from late February to May, for instance), and give Cancer five days.

I dunno. There's a lot of possibilities.

I am a Virgo and I approve of this shittiness.
"Soon all of us will have special names" — Professor Brian O'Blivion

"Now's not the time to get silly, so wear your big boots and jump on the garbage clowns." — Bob Dylan?

"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"
— Walt Whitman

Manta Obscura

Quote from: Cramulus on November 20, 2008, 06:56:48 PM
This might be a little work, but
maybe come up with your own zodiac, based on the 5-seasons of the Discordian calendar?

I like that idea. I think it would be better to publish such a thing simultaneously alongside the traditional twelve-sign Zodiac (sort of like how some papers have the Chinese one alongside the Western one), but that's definitely something I'd like to get my hand in. Maybe the names of the five could be based on the sweet, boom, etc., except latinized. Hmm . . .

Sign of the Saccharus.
Sign of the Susurrus.
Sign of the Aromatica.
Sign of the Ouchie.
Sign of the Oculus.

Crap, to be sure, but off the cuff . . .
Everything I wish for myself, I wish for you also.

Cramulus

I'd change it up every issue.


This month the signs are: Horse, Goat, Dung Beetle, Buick, Enchilada

hooplala

At least once all five signs should be "Zappa".
"Soon all of us will have special names" — Professor Brian O'Blivion

"Now's not the time to get silly, so wear your big boots and jump on the garbage clowns." — Bob Dylan?

"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"
— Walt Whitman

Manta Obscura

Quote from: Cramulus on November 20, 2008, 07:18:03 PM
I'd change it up every issue.


This month the signs are: Horse, Goat, Dung Beetle, Buick, Enchilada

:lulz:

I like that. I'll put the gray cells to work on those five shortly.
Everything I wish for myself, I wish for you also.

Jenne

Based on:

1)  Chinese take out items

2)  Spanglish

3)  latinate body parts

4)  capitol cities (in US and national)

Cainad (dec.)

Quote from: Jenne on November 21, 2008, 03:41:38 AM
Based on:

1)  Chinese take out items

2)  Spanglish

3)  latinate body parts

4)  capitol cities (in US and national)

5) obscure diseases

6) obnoxious names for colors, like the kind you see in some clothing catalogs (fireball fuschia, azure ocean, lakeside lavender, etc.)

7) philosophers

hooplala

Quote from: Cainad on November 21, 2008, 03:53:09 AM
Quote from: Jenne on November 21, 2008, 03:41:38 AM
Based on:

1)  Chinese take out items

2)  Spanglish

3)  latinate body parts

4)  capitol cities (in US and national)

5) obscure diseases

6) obnoxious names for colors, like the kind you see in some clothing catalogs (fireball fuschia, azure ocean, lakeside lavender, etc.)

7) philosophers

8 ) nicknames for celebrity couples

9) famous gored matadors

10) members of The Electric Mayhem


"Soon all of us will have special names" — Professor Brian O'Blivion

"Now's not the time to get silly, so wear your big boots and jump on the garbage clowns." — Bob Dylan?

"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"
— Walt Whitman

Payne

Quote from: BAWHEED on November 21, 2008, 04:00:03 AM
Quote from: Cainad on November 21, 2008, 03:53:09 AM
Quote from: Jenne on November 21, 2008, 03:41:38 AM
Based on:

1)  Chinese take out items

2)  Spanglish

3)  latinate body parts

4)  capitol cities (in US and national)

5) obscure diseases

6) obnoxious names for colors, like the kind you see in some clothing catalogs (fireball fuschia, azure ocean, lakeside lavender, etc.)

7) philosophers

8 ) nicknames for celebrity couples

9) famous gored matadors

10) members of The Electric Mayhem




11) Craters on the moon

12) B-Sides of Elvis Presley singles

Jenne

Quote from: Payne on November 21, 2008, 04:01:19 AM
Quote from: BAWHEED on November 21, 2008, 04:00:03 AM
Quote from: Cainad on November 21, 2008, 03:53:09 AM
Quote from: Jenne on November 21, 2008, 03:41:38 AM
Based on:

1)  Chinese take out items

2)  Spanglish

3)  latinate body parts

4)  capitol cities (in US and national)

5) obscure diseases

6) obnoxious names for colors, like the kind you see in some clothing catalogs (fireball fuschia, azure ocean, lakeside lavender, etc.)

7) philosophers

8 ) nicknames for celebrity couples

9) famous gored matadors

10) members of The Electric Mayhem




11) Craters on the moon

12) B-Sides of Elvis Presley singles

13) 80's sitcoms

14)  Disco theme songs

15)  webrings (famous ones)

16)  hair bands

Payne


Jenne


Manta Obscura

#27
Quote from: Cramulus on November 20, 2008, 07:18:03 PM
I'd change it up every issue.


This month the signs are: Horse, Goat, Dung Beetle, Buick, Enchilada

I spent part of the weekend thinking up how to make the Discordian Zodiac different from the normal Western one, and it struck me that since I made the Western one purely funny, it might be a good idea to have the Discordian one give out real advice in a quirky way. Tell me how it goes, and if you have any ideas for improvement:

The First-Ever Discordian Whoroscope*

Horse
January 1-March 12


The prophet John the Baptist once said, "Shit, my head hurts. Does anyone have any Advil?" Likewise, be grateful for what you have while you still have it.

Goat
March 13-June 3


After a recent trip to the China Buffet, I opened my fortune cookie only to discover the message, "You're a good person and". And what? And I'll win a million dollars? And I'll come down with syphilis? And I'll find out that my wife is really my long-lost sister, and our children will end up incestuous mutants?

Ruminate upon life's mysteries today. And if you know the rest of the fortune, call me up and give me a clue.

Beetle
June 4-August 16


The philosopher Soren Kierkegaard once wrote, "People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use." Take his message to heart and shut the fuck up.

Buick
August 17-October 31


If you're making sugar cookies and the batter isn't sweet enough, adding one small package of vanilla pudding mix for every two-dozen yield batter concoctions will give your cookies the sweetness you desire.

Enchilada
November 1-December 31


The Buddha might have had perfect inner peace, but he was one fat sonofabitch with no real dating prospects. Convert to Hinduism for maximum deity sexiness.





*Believe at your own risk.
Everything I wish for myself, I wish for you also.

Cramulus


hooplala

I like it except for a single tiny nitpick - the Buddha wasn't fat. 
"Soon all of us will have special names" — Professor Brian O'Blivion

"Now's not the time to get silly, so wear your big boots and jump on the garbage clowns." — Bob Dylan?

"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"
— Walt Whitman