Rant 69: Iowa Sickness

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Rant 69
Iowa Sickness

,ÄúI only wish the Tequila M??stica Cabal were here.,Äù

Leave me alone for a few hours on the streets of downtown Des Moines and look what happens. But we are not here concerned with activities of a spurious and/or Discordian nature on the streets of downtown Des Moines that occurred several times a day when the people who were with me and know me weren,Äôt looking. (Yegods!  I managed to see the birth of an Iowa chapter of the D.S.S.S when I was there. (Among other doings, more of which you may hear about later.) But that doesn,Äôt mean I,Äôll go back. Those people are on their own, fortunately.) We are here concerned with a peculiar malady that afflicted me after being there, in a ,Äòcity,Äô in central Iowa, for a while. The peculiar malady is known as ,ÄòIowa-sickness,Äô or simply as ,ÄòIowa,Äô. And woe to person who has to stay there longer than just a few days with such an affliction. They,Äôd be forced to drink copious amounts of alcohol just to get by. Hell, I drank copious amounts of alcohol and I was only there for about five days. (Was it four or five,Ķ.it all seems to be blended together into one continuous blur now.)

Now that I am back in the Longwinded City (Chicago for the rest of you), I can reflect,Äîsort of,Äîon the malady under which I fell. The symptoms were an increased sense of boredom, fatigue, and urges to drink as much beer as possible all day long and well into the night while not getting much sleep,Äîand a frightening weird and sick urge to just settle down there and lead a slower lifestyle out in the ,Äòmiddle of nowhere,Äô (otherwise known as ,ÄòTen-Minutes-Away-from-If-I-Had-to-Live-Here-I,Äôd-Blow-My-Brains-Out,Äô). Had I been forced to stay longer I might have actually wanted to settle down there,Ķand woe to the local inhabitants on the day Eris came to collect on my promises to keep the Erisian Mission going. Or woe to me. Or perhaps none of the above. Perhaps I would have just eaten steak and barbecued ribs until I gained two or three hundred pounds. Perhaps I would have calmed down and started a local Buddhist sangha, or something. I don,Äôt know. But whatever might have happened did not. Because I recognized the malady for what it was and kept drinking to keep the fever from coming. Now I am safe and far away from Iowa and its malady. (At least that,Äôs what I tell myself.) (I shudder to think of what would have happened if I had to stay out there when old-man-winter dumped his several feet of snow. Then what? Never mind.)

Perhaps I am just talking endlessly about nothing really. It all seems like a dream now. But anyone who has been in the middle of Iowa will KNOW the malady of which I speak. Eris knows, but She neither cares nor will say anything about it. The one redeeming quality of Iowa is that the people are so damned nice,ĶThey have the proverbial mid-western sense of hospitality and generosity that Chicago so famously lacks. The people of Iowa are wide open to becoming Discordians because of this. Perhaps I am wrong,Äîit wouldn,Äôt be the first nor will it be the last time it happens. And there is always the ever present threat of the Great North American Prairie Squid herds,Äîthough the hills of Iowa make it seem like a place that would be safer from them. (The key word here is ,Äòseems,Äô.) [pause while Hugh lights a cigar.]

I don,Äôt know what,Äôs going on in Iowa but I have a sense that some of you have the answers I am seeking. If not, go there and find out for yourself, but don,Äôt ask me to come and rescue you from Iowa-sickness, because I warned you to stay away already. (Okay, maybe I haven,Äôt warned you. But you should know better. ) If you go off and disappear in the wilds of central Iowa, you have only yourself to blame and I suspect Eris will only laugh at you, if that happens. Ah, fuck it! Just go on ahead and do it. It may be entertaining, especially if you leave us with rambling notes of your experiences so we can laugh and say ,Äòat least it,Äôs not me,Äô. Just remember: If it looks like a place you should just keep passing through on your way to someplace else, then you need to stop there for a while; if it looks like a place you can settle down in and start all sorts of hellacious Erisian-type activities, then keep on going and do NOT look back. Otherwise Iowa-sickness may catch you. And don,Äôt come asking me for the cure. If you think the sickness is bad,Ķwait until we cure you.

(Bureaucracy 46th, 3170)

[Doktor Howl]

6 year pity response.

[Jasper]

Aw, sad. 

[dontblameyoko]

Dude....i live in central Iowa...and i don't know what the heck this "Iowa sickness" is that you speak of.  I don't think it's that boring living here.  Then again, maybe i'm just easily entertained. 
If you were here in 2004...well, i think the East Side Jesus Bus guy was still in Des Moines then.  Not sure where he is now...
Also, in the fall of 2004, some guy i was actually kind of friends with was arrested in Des Moines for terrorism b/c he sent a threatening letter to the Polk County Courthouse with baby powder in the envelope. (Y'know...to look like anthrax.)

[East Coast Hustle]

Des Moines is a useless suckhole, but there are several parts of Iowa I actually like.

Also, lol @ hugh.

[dontblameyoko]

what parts do you like?

[The Johnny]

Perhaps I am just talking endlessly about nothing really.

A GOLDNUGGET!! A GOLDNUGGET!!! I FOUND GOLD BURIED IN RUBBISH!!!

[East Coast Hustle]

what parts do you like?

I like the Iowa side of the Quad Cities, and I like Council Bluffs (I have a weakness for crappy casinos and also one of the best burgers I've ever has was in CB) and the area along the river north of CB.

[dontblameyoko]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbIxI95rGt8&feature=related

[Mangrove]

Tequila stabbity face raping bats.

Fixed for brevity.

[Freeky]

6 year pity response.

Wasn't Hugh the one who married a post-op tranny, found out and went mad?

[Freeky]

Hah!