A desperate plea for help to the Right Reverend Roger

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Well one thing I know for sure:

I started eating almost strictly from farmers' markets and local butchers and recycling EVERYTHING and getting all healthy and environmental. And except for when we have clients on the ship, I totally stopped shaving. I think at this point it's safe to say that Efrim is no longer the meanest hippie that ever lived.

No, dude, Efrim was a special case.  You have a nice side to you, I've seen it.

Efrim was a...Well, shit.  Tomorrow I'm gonna write his eulogy.

I would love to get you and Justin at the same table. Seriously, holy shit. Or even on the same front porch with a bottle of bourbon.

I'm better off alone when a bottle is concerned.

Some people turn into belligerent assholes.  Some people turn into maudlin, mushy drunks.

I just drop my PTSD pance and let my crazy hang out.  It ain't pretty.

Sounds like a good time to me, but I have a weird idea of a good time. It's why I can't keep a boyfriend.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Well one thing I know for sure:

I started eating almost strictly from farmers' markets and local butchers and recycling EVERYTHING and getting all healthy and environmental. And except for when we have clients on the ship, I totally stopped shaving. I think at this point it's safe to say that Efrim is no longer the meanest hippie that ever lived.

No, dude, Efrim was a special case.  You have a nice side to you, I've seen it.

Efrim was a...Well, shit.  Tomorrow I'm gonna write his eulogy.

I would love to get you and Justin at the same table. Seriously, holy shit. Or even on the same front porch with a bottle of bourbon.

I'm better off alone when a bottle is concerned.

Some people turn into belligerent assholes.  Some people turn into maudlin, mushy drunks.

I just drop my PTSD pance and let my crazy hang out.  It ain't pretty.

Sounds like a good time to me, but I have a weird idea of a good time. It's why I can't keep a boyfriend.

Fortunately, Enabler adjusted well to my talking to Charles Maldonado when I'm at the bottom of the bottle.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Well one thing I know for sure:

I started eating almost strictly from farmers' markets and local butchers and recycling EVERYTHING and getting all healthy and environmental. And except for when we have clients on the ship, I totally stopped shaving. I think at this point it's safe to say that Efrim is no longer the meanest hippie that ever lived.

No, dude, Efrim was a special case.  You have a nice side to you, I've seen it.

Efrim was a...Well, shit.  Tomorrow I'm gonna write his eulogy.

I would love to get you and Justin at the same table. Seriously, holy shit. Or even on the same front porch with a bottle of bourbon.

I'm better off alone when a bottle is concerned.

Some people turn into belligerent assholes.  Some people turn into maudlin, mushy drunks.

I just drop my PTSD pance and let my crazy hang out.  It ain't pretty.

Sounds like a good time to me, but I have a weird idea of a good time. It's why I can't keep a boyfriend.

Fortunately, Enabler adjusted well to my talking to Charles Maldonado when I'm at the bottom of the bottle.

Last time I was drunk around ML was Spokane, and it pretty much ruined everything. Well, that, and being 22 years older than he likes.

[East Coast Hustle]

Well one thing I know for sure:

I started eating almost strictly from farmers'; markets and local butchers and recycling EVERYTHING and getting all healthy and environmental. And except for when we have clients on the ship, I totally stopped shaving. I think at this point it's safe to say that Efrim is no longer the meanest hippie that ever lived.

No, dude, Efrim was a special case.  You have a nice side to you, I've seen it.

Efrim was a...Well, shit.  Tomorrow I'm gonna write his eulogy.

I would love to get you and Justin at the same table. Seriously, holy shit. Or even on the same front porch with a bottle of bourbon.

I stick to tequila or gin these days when it comes to hard liquor.

You know how, for some people, bourbon is "naked in a bottle"?

And how, for some people, bourbon is "fight in a bottle"?

For me, bourbon is "naked fighting in a bottle".

And it's not that it makes me angry or belligerent, it just makes me unable to understand why EVERY OTHER MOTHERFUCKER IN THE ROOM could possibly not want to join in the fun that is naked fistfighting.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Well one thing I know for sure:

I started eating almost strictly from farmers' markets and local butchers and recycling EVERYTHING and getting all healthy and environmental. And except for when we have clients on the ship, I totally stopped shaving. I think at this point it's safe to say that Efrim is no longer the meanest hippie that ever lived.

No, dude, Efrim was a special case.  You have a nice side to you, I've seen it.

Efrim was a...Well, shit.  Tomorrow I'm gonna write his eulogy.

I would love to get you and Justin at the same table. Seriously, holy shit. Or even on the same front porch with a bottle of bourbon.

I'm better off alone when a bottle is concerned.

Some people turn into belligerent assholes.  Some people turn into maudlin, mushy drunks.

I just drop my PTSD pance and let my crazy hang out.  It ain't pretty.

Sounds like a good time to me, but I have a weird idea of a good time. It's why I can't keep a boyfriend.

Fortunately, Enabler adjusted well to my talking to Charles Maldonado when I'm at the bottom of the bottle.

Last time I was drunk around ML was Spokane, and it pretty much ruined everything. Well, that, and being 22 years older than he likes.

Ew.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Well one thing I know for sure:

I started eating almost strictly from farmers'; markets and local butchers and recycling EVERYTHING and getting all healthy and environmental. And except for when we have clients on the ship, I totally stopped shaving. I think at this point it's safe to say that Efrim is no longer the meanest hippie that ever lived.

No, dude, Efrim was a special case.  You have a nice side to you, I've seen it.

Efrim was a...Well, shit.  Tomorrow I'm gonna write his eulogy.

I would love to get you and Justin at the same table. Seriously, holy shit. Or even on the same front porch with a bottle of bourbon.

I stick to tequila or gin these days when it comes to hard liquor.

You know how, for some people, bourbon is "naked in a bottle"?

And how, for some people, bourbon is "fight in a bottle"?

For me, bourbon is "naked fighting in a bottle".

And it's not that it makes me angry or belligerent, it just makes me unable to understand why EVERY OTHER MOTHERFUCKER IN THE ROOM could possibly not want to join in the fun that is naked fistfighting.

HOLY SHIT

HOW CAN I MAKE THIS HAPPEN AT MY NEXT PARTY???

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Well one thing I know for sure:

I started eating almost strictly from farmers' markets and local butchers and recycling EVERYTHING and getting all healthy and environmental. And except for when we have clients on the ship, I totally stopped shaving. I think at this point it's safe to say that Efrim is no longer the meanest hippie that ever lived.

No, dude, Efrim was a special case.  You have a nice side to you, I've seen it.

Efrim was a...Well, shit.  Tomorrow I'm gonna write his eulogy.

I would love to get you and Justin at the same table. Seriously, holy shit. Or even on the same front porch with a bottle of bourbon.

I'm better off alone when a bottle is concerned.

Some people turn into belligerent assholes.  Some people turn into maudlin, mushy drunks.

I just drop my PTSD pance and let my crazy hang out.  It ain't pretty.

Sounds like a good time to me, but I have a weird idea of a good time. It's why I can't keep a boyfriend.

Fortunately, Enabler adjusted well to my talking to Charles Maldonado when I'm at the bottom of the bottle.

Last time I was drunk around ML was Spokane, and it pretty much ruined everything. Well, that, and being 22 years older than he likes.

Ew.

I know.

I am full of hate and rage.

[East Coast Hustle]

Well one thing I know for sure:

I started eating almost strictly from farmers'; markets and local butchers and recycling EVERYTHING and getting all healthy and environmental. And except for when we have clients on the ship, I totally stopped shaving. I think at this point it's safe to say that Efrim is no longer the meanest hippie that ever lived.

No, dude, Efrim was a special case.  You have a nice side to you, I've seen it.

Efrim was a...Well, shit.  Tomorrow I'm gonna write his eulogy.

I would love to get you and Justin at the same table. Seriously, holy shit. Or even on the same front porch with a bottle of bourbon.

I stick to tequila or gin these days when it comes to hard liquor.

You know how, for some people, bourbon is "naked in a bottle"?

And how, for some people, bourbon is "fight in a bottle"?

For me, bourbon is "naked fighting in a bottle".

And it's not that it makes me angry or belligerent, it just makes me unable to understand why EVERY OTHER MOTHERFUCKER IN THE ROOM could possibly not want to join in the fun that is naked fistfighting.

HOLY SHIT

HOW CAN I MAKE THIS HAPPEN AT MY NEXT PARTY???

Well, uhh.....just add bourbon.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Well one thing I know for sure:

I started eating almost strictly from farmers'; markets and local butchers and recycling EVERYTHING and getting all healthy and environmental. And except for when we have clients on the ship, I totally stopped shaving. I think at this point it's safe to say that Efrim is no longer the meanest hippie that ever lived.

No, dude, Efrim was a special case.  You have a nice side to you, I've seen it.

Efrim was a...Well, shit.  Tomorrow I'm gonna write his eulogy.

I would love to get you and Justin at the same table. Seriously, holy shit. Or even on the same front porch with a bottle of bourbon.

I stick to tequila or gin these days when it comes to hard liquor.

You know how, for some people, bourbon is "naked in a bottle"?

And how, for some people, bourbon is "fight in a bottle"?

For me, bourbon is "naked fighting in a bottle".

And it's not that it makes me angry or belligerent, it just makes me unable to understand why EVERY OTHER MOTHERFUCKER IN THE ROOM could possibly not want to join in the fun that is naked fistfighting.

HOLY SHIT

HOW CAN I MAKE THIS HAPPEN AT MY NEXT PARTY???

Well, uhh.....just add bourbon.

WILL DO.

[Doktor Howl]

(Perhaps this is the place for this post, perhaps not, I just assume this is the best place on the boards to get a message out to the man himself)

Another fine mess I've gotten myself into...I've traveled half way around the world to find myself down and out at an automatic laundry station in the heart of the eternal city. To think, I may be using the same washing machine that Augustus once used....Damn these mindless savages Roger, don't they understand that basic human decency can only be obtained through free market capitalism and the protestant work ethic? They really think all this Catholic hoodoo voodoo will save them...incredible. Twice weekly they find a proper virgin and sacrifice her to the pope in a canibalistic ceremony that verges on a level of inhumanity never even dreamed of by Henery Kissinger. Canibalistic rituals, now thats how you maintain a city for over 1000 years! I'm out here on the run from Ashcroft and the boys and after going three weeks without some Roger style wisdom I must admit I've nearly gnawed off half my leg out of sheer despair. But today the good Goddess Googeled me to the little corner of the web you call home. And thank Eris you have it for a home too, you inhabit some harsh lands you crazy bastard. There are dangerous amounts of sanity all through this continent....I've grown so accustomed to things making no sense at all. All these logical solutions for problems are unbearable on my poor American mind. I need some words from the Reverend to keep me moving and alert. The coffee helps, but it's just not the same you see. Soon enough I'll be headed into the backwoods of the Cinque Terre, I feel uncle sams eyes burning a hole through my head in these major citys. I'll be on the run just as soon as my towel gets out of the dryer....because I have not forgotten that it is the most useful thing to travel with. Ah, there's the bell, I must be running. I'll continue to spread the sermons accross the globe and to you, Roger, I wish all the best, to the bastards monitering this post from the black van outside all I can say is happy hunting and good luck...you'll need it to take me down. Farewell

Stop your whimpering, "Efrim".  Things could be a LOT worse.  For example, YOU could be out here hiding in the sticks...and you WOULD be, if not for an accident of economics.  How'd THAT grab ya, bunky?  instead of chasing Italian girls, you'd be festering in some jerkwater town in the middle of the friggin' desert.  Count your blessings...and remember, it was ALL YOUR IDEA in the first place.

"It's a chance to smash the CoN", you said, "We are MORALLY OBLIGATED to carry through".  Like a fool, I believed you...and now YOU are in Europe, living large, and I am in BFE, where I am shunned by the inbred locals for reasons that escape me.

As for Ashcroft, well, he'll get you anyway.  You never WERE cut out for the role of expatriate.  Your tastes are too wild, your lifestyle is too extreme.  Sooner or later (probably sooner), they'll get you, and toss you in the cage that has my name on it, too.  You will sit stunned at your fate, while I curse you and kick you...

What the hell was I thinking, listening to you?  What the hell were YOU thinking?  Did we somehow think that they'd FORGET what we did to the DA's lawn?  Were we deluded into thinking that somehow, they wouldn't see that as a reason to hound us to the ends of the Earth?

Now that they are putting MORE people in jail without due process, what do you think will happen to us?  Well, let me tell you, "Efrim"...they'll beat us like egg-sucking dogs.  They'll have no choice...our paperwork isn't in order, and they are, after all, professionals.  The Free Market DEMANDS that we be punished...and you know that Adam Smith was NEVER wrong.

So, the only advice I can give you is to sink into abysmal pits of excess and decadence...preaching the word is fine, but do you really think that it will have any effect?  Hell, no!  You're just attracting attention to yourself, bringing yet closer the day that the hand finally lands on your shoulder, and you are "taken into the system".

Get your yuks in while you can.  We'll all be in jail by this time next year, for reasons that will never be made clear.

Or kill me.

I'm gonna peel back the vinyl here and say that Efrim turned up alive, and is a mild-mannered university professor in Normal, Illinois.


Didn't ever see that coming.  The man was a fucking lunatic.

[Hagtard Celine Dion Mustard]

Why did you suddenly decide to start using a name confusingly similar to that of an established Subgenius personality?

[Con-troll]

I've got an itch behind my eye. I'm not sure if I should pop it out, clean it, and put it back in. I'm not sure it would help, I haven't ever seen anybody doing that.
Maybe they do it hidden.
Maybe their eyes don't itch.
Maybe their eyes do itch but they don't want to pop them out for some reason.

It feels like receiving a superposition of nobel prize and darwin award in a box that's ticking suspiciously.

And everyone's just fucking clapping.

[hooplala]

Why did you suddenly decide to start using a name confusingly similar to that of an established Subgenius personality?

"suddenly"

[LMNO]

"personality"

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

I am lost on so many levels