First Chapter

[The Wizard]

So...I'm wanting to be a writer, and I've currently working on a book idea. The basic premise is that various people around the globe start becoming a new generation of gods. First they manifest superhero levels of power, but eventually they become virtually omnipotent in their purview. Here's my first chapter which focuses on my Death god character

Gods and Men

By Dr. James Semaj

Chapter One

       The sun was bright in the sky; it's glorious beams playing across the cars metallic sheen like laughing children. A sea breeze blew its way through the streets, lessening the oppressive heat to an enjoyable level. The smog that oftentimes pervaded rush hour in Los Angeles was also notably absent, even though it was as busy as ever. The day was California at it's most glorious.
   Or at least so it seemed to Gabriel. He lowered the windows down so that he could experience the beautiful weather. It was always beautiful in the morning, even more so because of his company. His daughter, Eliza, was sitting in the passenger seat, firmly buckled in and smiling. His job often meant that Eliza's baby-sitter saw more of her than he did, something that drove Gabriel crazy but that couldn't be helped. The quality time he hankered for was restricted to the mornings, when he drove Eliza to school on the way to the hospital. It was the best part of his day, his time to be with his child, to see what she was doing and what she was interested in. He had never opted not to take her, nor had he ever been late to get her to school. He took pride in that.
   Eliza looked like a younger, feminine version of her father. She had the same handsome face, the high cheekbones and the large expressive eyes. They both had black hair, but Eliza's was the raven color of youth while years of hard work and harder worry had changed Gabriel's hair to the color of ash. They both had a glow of health in their complexion, something that always made the both of them look fit, no matter what their health actually was.. Eliza was twelve to her father's forty-eight, evident in the contrast between her smooth face and the worry lines that marked her father. Both of them were tall and solid in build, but their demeanor changed the effect. Gabriel's dour and thoughtful expressions made him intimidating; a terror to boyfriend's to come, while Eliza's intelligent and cheerful nature would spell love struck doom to many an adolescent boy.
   The only thing about her appearance that suggested her mother was her eye color. They both shared the exact same hazel hue. It always made Gabriel think of Mary when he looked in Eliza's eyes. She had died in childbirth, leaving Gabriel to raise Eliza alone. He didn't talk about her much, so Eliza had turned to other relatives for information. It was a happy family regardless, he thought.
   Eliza had inherited most of her appearance from her father, but Mary came through in her personality. She had the same fiery personality; she was quick to argue but just as quick to apologize. Mary had been
   "Are you picking me up from school today, Daddy?" Eliza said, more curious that concerned. Gabriel winced anyway, and looked at her in the rear-view mirror.
   "Sorry Lizzie, Uncle Nick will pick you up. I'm going to be working late tonight." He had to work late more than he liked, but his patients required a lot of attention. Mr. Conrad in particular worried him. None of the antibiotics seemed to be helping.
   "Okay." Eliza said, her tone containing all the enthusiasm of a vegan at a steakhouse. Gabriel smiled despite himself; he didn't like that she was growing independent of him so soon, but it also made him proud as hell. A year ago, she would have been horrified at the thought of him not being there to take her home, now she couldn't care less who drove, as long as she got there eventually.
   "So, are you looking forward to school today?" He knew it was an idiot-dad question, but he still liked to ask it anyway. Eliza looked at him sarcastically, somehow managing to imply an eye-roll without actually doing so.
   "Not really." It was the answer she gave every day. The girl detested school, despite all that she learned. Even when she would proudly spout out some newly acquired knowledge, she would still refuse to acknowledge any positive side to the seven-hour imprisonment.
   "Understood. Did you learn anything interesting yesterday?" This was also part of his daily inquisition, one that met with a touch more enthusiasm.
   "Ya! We started reading the Phantom Tollbooth in English. Tock is awesome!" Her eyes light up and Gabriel gets a warm feeling in his stomach. He could remember when Eliza had been a little girl, pleading for him to teach her to read. She was desperate to read, her curiosity drove her insane. She wasn't in school yet though, and he was afraid that if she knew how to read then she'd be bored stiff her first year of school. Saying no had been horrible, but now he was glad he had. Her never-ending enthusiasm about reading was a wonderful thing.
   "I remember when I read that. It was a good book. What part are you on?"
   "Tock and Milo have just escaped from the Doldrums."
   "You're at the very beginning, it'll just get better as you go." Gabriel flashed a grin and looked out the rear view mirror. Traffic was beginning to fill the roads, and soon it would be rush hour. If Eliza was going to get to school on time he would have to hurry up. He put a bit of pressure on the gas pedal and watched as the scenery went by faster.
   "So, Eliza what else did you learn yesterday?" He sort of hoped that she didn't learn anything new in math. She was in such a good mood, he would hate for it to be ruined by the mention of mathematics, her most hated subject. Personally, Gabriel couldn't blame her. Math was the most mind-numbing thing he'd ever done in school, and the only thing he'd ever had trouble with. It irked him that his daughter had inherited his problem with numbers. Mary had been great with numbers.
Every time they learned something new, she had trouble with it, which upset her like nothing else. His daddy-reflexes would want to kick in and make the math go away, but he knew that that would be an exercise in futility. Math was something that you had to be dealt with, like taxes and M&M conferences.
   "In science we're learning about invertebrates, and in social studies we're learning about the Civil War." She pointedly did not tell him about math, which meant that it was his job to broach the subject.
   "And what about in math?" She sighed and frowned.
   "Math's retarded."
   "Watch your language."
   "Well it is! All those stupid numbers and symbols that don't mean anything..." The rest dissolved into undecipherable mumbling. Gabriel groaned inwardly. He turned towards his daughter, and put on a serious face.
   "Are you having trouble again, Lizzie?" She looked up at him with second-hand resentment. She wasn't angry at him specifically, but he was forcing her to face her frustration, something she really did not want to do. Gabriel knew that pushing her was useless so he waited for her to speak. After a couple minutes of awkward silence, she reluctantly spoke up.
   "We're doing fractions. I can't do the multiplication, doesn't make any sense." Ah, that made sense. Fractions. Gabriel had hated them especially when he was in school.
   "Do you want me to get you a tutor?" She didn't say anything.  He could feel the beginnings of a fight. Eliza had refused to get a tutor to help her with math, even saying the word made her ornery. And it had started out as such a fine day...
   "Look Lizzie, I know you don't want a tutor, but it would make things so much easier for you. Sometimes you need to know when to ask for help. No one can do everything by themselves."
   "Daddy, look out!" There was a screeching noise, and Gabriel turned just in time to see a dark gray truck hurtling at them. Gabriel hit the brakes instinctively, and the truck plowed into their van. Eliza screamed, and Gabriel tumbled forward, realizing too late that he had forgotten to put his seatbelt on. It was a fatal mistake in retrospect. He hit the windshield face first, and it shattered, filling his vision with red.
   He felt weightless for a split second and then he slammed into something hard and metallic. He bounced off and hit the pavement hard, his head striking hard against the ground. He stayed there, his limbs refusing to work. He couldn't see, everything hurt, and he was having a hard time staying awake. He was laying in something wet, and there was a coppery taste in his mouth. Blood. He tried to recall something from medical school that might help, but nothing could get through the fog of his thoughts. Images appeared in his frame of view, a man with a dog's head holding a human heart, a man with eyes like hot coals and hair like smoke cradling a pomegranate. Both visions disappeared, only to be replacing by stranger ones. A woman whose face was evenly divided between eye watering putrescence and breath taking beauty smiled coldly down at him, her contrasting eyes glittering with malicious humor. Gabriel's will was weakening, and finally he couldn't stay conscious any longer. He passed out. The two-faced woman laughed.
   Amid the darkness, Gabriel could see some of the figures had returned. The man with the pomegranate stared bleakly at him, his ashen robes trailing smoke. He was joined by a bloody skeleton wearing a headdress of feathers and a necklace of eyeballs. The skeleton leered at him from a pair of teary eyes stuck in the fleshless skull, his arm perched across the shoulders of another skeleton, a woman in a wedding gown. The figures watched him for several seconds, speaking among themselves in languages he couldn't understand, before disappearing into a cloud of dust.
   Gabriel hurt. He couldn't a specific point of origin. The pain was everywhere but especially in his limbs and in his face. The agony made him want to cry out, to scream, but when he tried nothing came out. He wished he could see; find out where Eliza was. His fear that she was injured hurt worse than his own wounds.
"God damn it! Help me get his clothes off these scissors are useless. This guy's a mess, a poster child for seat belts. God, I hate car accidents." Gabriel couldn't see whoever was speaking, and he was having a hard time understanding what they were talking about. Something about scissors? Another voice came, this one deeper, craggier.
   "I've checked out the other two. The little girl's fine, just scared and a little bruised. The guy in the truck is okay too, falling down drunk, but okay." The craggy voice sounded furious at this.
   "Figures. Drunk driver comes out perfectly fine, while the Dad is the one whose face gets carved off. Figures. Get me a gurney. This guy needs to get to a hospital fast."
   Gabriel felt himself being lifted and laid down on something. A gurney he assumed. A couple seconds later, he found himself being bounced around, and he could hear street sounds. I'm on an ambulance, he thought, but he couldn't remember exactly what an ambulance was.
   Gabriel tried to move, to do something, but he was held tight by something. The voices were talking again, and eventually when his attempts to free himself failed, he started listening to what was being said.
   "So what all's wrong with this guy?"
   "Look at him!" He's got lacerations all over his body, especially on his face and arms. He's got pieces of glass imbedded in his face, and I'm pretty sure he's bleeding internally. There are definitely a couple fractured ribs, and his left leg is broken in at least two places. If we save him, he's going to need a lot of reconstructive surgery, poor guy."
   "Mother of god. What happened?"
   "Car accident. Drunk driver hit him and his daughter."
   "How's the girl?"
   "Fine. Just terrified and she'll probably have some bruising from her seat belt."
   "What about the drunk who hit them."
   "Bastard came out without even a scratch."
   "Wonderful."
   Gabriel blacked out again. By the time he came to, the voices had stopped talking. He was still in agony, but comforted by the fact that Eliza was okay.
He was hallucinating again, the dog-headed man had returned. He was eating the human heart now, and he winked at Gabriel before vanishing. There was an odd wrenching feeling in Gabriel's chest, and a whining noise filled the ambulance.
   "Oh god, we're losing him! Get me the defibs." There was a pause, and then: "Okay...clear." Something painful wracked his chest, but it was lost among the other aches and pains. The whining continued.
   "Again!" There was another pause. "Clear!" The pain hit again, and now Gabriel could see two new figures. One was a tall black man in a suit and top hat. His face was painted like a skull, and he had a cigar clenched between his teeth. He was twirling a cane with a silver skull shaped head. The other was an old man in chain mail armor. He was massive, with a strong but infinitely wise face. One of his eyes was missing and covered with an eye-patch. He looked sadly at Gabriel and turned to leave. He stopped and looked back at Skull-Face, saying something. Gabriel couldn't hear it, nor could he hear anything else now. He felt cold. Everything was going dark, and even the little blasts of pain in his chest were fading away. Right before his vision failed him and everything went black, he saw the skull-faced man beckon to him, a bottle of rum in his hands.
   Eliza...

So, tell me what you think. Sorry if it's long.

[The Wizard]

BY the way, how do you indent on this thing?

[The Wizard]

Shit. Put this in the wrong part of the site, didn't I?

[Triple Zero]

Either here or Bring & Brag would be fine, I think. I think everybody is just waiting for someone else to read it and say "wow read this, it's awesome"

[Arafelis]

The basic premise is that various people around the globe start becoming a new generation of gods. First they manifest superhero levels of power, but eventually they become virtually omnipotent in their purview.

You should check out Roger Zelazny's Lord of Light.



Editor's notes:

in the sky; it's glorious beams

Possessive form of it: "its."

across the cars metallic sheen

"cars' metallic sheens" (plural), or "car's metallic sheen" (singular)

California at it's most glorious

"its"

He lowered the windows down so that

Unnecessary "down," distracting.  (He lowered the windows... up?)

It was always beautiful in the morning, even more so because of his company

Shifted universality.  "It was always beautiful in the morning, and even more so today because of his company."

him intimidating; a terror to boyfriend's to come

"boyfriends"

would spell love struck doom

"love-struck"

she was quick to argue but just as quick to apologize. Mary had been

Fragment, also unterminated.  Suggestion: "she was just as quick to argue and just as quick to apologize as Mary had been."

Her eyes light up and Gabriel gets a warm feeling in his stomach.

Tense mismatch (sentence in present, surrounding text in past).  "Her eyes lit up and Gabriel got a warm feeling in his stomach."

So, Eliza what else did you learn yesterday?

"So, Eliza, what else did..."

He couldn't a specific point of origin.

Missing word.  Suggestion: "He couldn't name a specific point of origin."

Help me get his clothes off these scissors are useless.

"Help me get off his clothes, these scissors are useless."
OR
"Help me get off his clothes!  These scissors are useless!"



Other notes:

I'd be happier if you showed more of the Ghede Loa.  They're kind of a package thing.  Also, if you're intending to show off Samedi (the most commonly referred-to one), you're missing some of his accoutrements.

Your characterization of Odin is a bit modernized.  Not necessarily a problem, just sayin'.



Good start.

[The Wizard]

Ah. Okay. Fair enough.

[The Wizard]

I'd be happier if you showed more of the Ghede Loa.  They're kind of a package thing.  Also, if you're intending to show off Samedi (the most commonly referred-to one), you're missing some of his accoutrements.

The idea was to try and get the idea across without being to blatant. I could have gone in depth with all the nasal voice and the glasses missing one lens and all of that, but I though it would have messed with the flow of the story.

Thanks for the critique. I'm going to check the spelling stuff on the word document.

[Arafelis]

Ah. Okay. Fair enough.

Clarification: I enjoy the characterization, and I'm a sucker for obscure mythological references, but there's not enough here for me to judge this as a story given that I know it's a set up.  Don't be disenheartened by the relative length of the editorial notes -- that's a matter of formatting, not a matter of relative attention paid to the story.

[Kai]

You should check out Roger Zelazny's Lord of Light.

Perhaps the only down to earth simply intelligent thing you've said since you got here.

[Arafelis]

You should check out Roger Zelazny's Lord of Light.

Perhaps the only down to earth simply intelligent thing you've said since you got here.

That's not intelligence, Kai, that's taste.  And your massive projection issues and inability to follow simple conversation aside, it's nice to see your taste doesn't totally suck as well.   

[fomenter]

 he put you in your place kai how dare you not no the difference between taste and intelligence

[The Wizard]

Not meaning to be rude, but if you're going to bash this Arefelis, please do it on another thread. I'm looking for criticism, and he's the first person to actually help in that regard.

[fomenter]

since you asked nicely    a certain amount of commenting on the comments of others is going to happen... (especially condescending ones by noobs aimed at well liked regulars)

i liked your story, the only thing i saw that pulled me out of it was the dialogue in the ambulance, EMT have a recognizable way of talking about patients and accidents and i had to re read that part to figure who the dialogue belonged to and where it was taking place. it might help to redo it in EMT speak (typical EMT language)

[The Wizard]

Hmm. Okay. Look into that.

[The Wizard]

i liked your story, the only thing i saw that pulled me out of it was the dialogue in the ambulance, EMT have a recognizable way of talking about patients and accidents and i had to re read that part to figure who the dialogue belonged to and where it was taking place. it might help to redo it in EMT speak (typical EMT language)

My Dad was an EMT, so I might be able to get some lingo tips from him. Good suggestion. The assistance in most appreciated.