Poetry nerds, please advise

[Pariah]

What is the most cutting putdown for this poem?  Or do you suggest going for the three word comment route?

I have a link for this, which I may share, depending on how we want to go about it.

LINK.  WHERE FUCKING IS.

SECONDED 

[Precious Moments Zalgo]

Also at the start, the rhyming scheme made me think the writer was taking the piss.

At the start, the rhyming scheme made ME thing Emily Dickenson had crawled out of her grave.

It reminded me of Julia A. Moore, only with less talent.

LINK.  WHERE FUCKING IS.

SECONDED 

Found it.
hXXp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/cstanton/2009/09/11/honoring-september-11th-we-remember/

[Precious Moments Zalgo]

  I just read all the comments.  All comments within the past two days are critical.

Just a few questions for the author. Why did you give up on rhyming after two stanzas? Why did you give up on any attempt at meter at all after four? Why did you do this in this fashion? I suspect you knew what you were doing, so why didn't you take the time to fix it? Does 9-11 not mean enough to you that you would go to the trouble of creating something of coherence or beauty? Did the tragedy seem so trivial to you that you thought it fit to memorialize in this slapdash, careless style? This is ugly, and it makes the events of that day seem petty and maudlin, and is that really what you intended?

[Cain]

Yeah, it is teh Breitbart.  Fighting his one-man guerrilla insurgency against the evils of Liberal Hollywood, with only a website and buckets of cash from Christian fundamentalists.

[Payne]

Well I would go for the option of slight editing to reflect, and attribution to, the terrorists themselves.

After all it seems to consist entirely of vague buzzwords and ideals that would be easily transferable to The Other Side.

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

Well I would go for the option of slight editing to reflect, and attribution to, the terrorists themselves.

After all it seems to consist entirely of vague buzzwords and ideals that would be easily transferable to The Other Side.

THIS.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I posted this:

There is no discernible attempt at rhythm. The rhyme scheme is clumsy and forced, and is seemingly abandoned midway. It's very "telly" and lacking in imagery. It's extraordinarily cliched and not very evocative - it might as well just say,

"Look, yet another
patriotic poem about
the Twin Towers attack."

When handling a heavily emotional and overused subject matter such as love, war, patriotism or death, it will almost invariably fall flat unless handled with extreme finesse and highly skilled craftsmanship. This poem has neither of those. It is, I think, a little offensive to wordsmiths, to patriots, and to those who lost loved ones in the attack, to publicly post a "tribute" so poorly written as to be insulting and trivializing of a monumental tragedy that had such a profound effect on our country and our people. For shame.

[Dalek]

I posted this

You americans are stupid, and you know this is God's revenge for you! Do you think you can just go around killing people in other countries unpunished?! And say it's in God's name? Well God's pissed offed now, so it's time for you to pray. But don't hope it will help! The templers died, now it's your turn

[Rococo Modem Basilisk]

Fucking templars. Ruin everything.

[fomenter]

poem in its original farsi

11
دود
هواپيماهاي انصروه مورته مار را درهم شيشه
ساروج و فولاد
به
یک درخت و سبزه دشمن حمله به
سرزمين
چه آزاد نبود كه اين اتفاق
چه مي شود
ما با ترس جریانات
در شير خواهی ديد
غير قابل تحمل غم
آن كه
به مثابه شر حرف بزند و
برج پيروزي از كشمكش مصيبتبار و
پايان اسفناكي بيگناه فرو ريخت ساختمان زندگی
ما فرياد كنان به خدا
روي زانو زدن
مدعوين خانواده, دوستان و بيگانگان
نياز به كمك كسي در
آن بود که ما قرار
هر روز اختلافات ما
با آن مواجه می شدند که به كناري تراژدي
با شجاعت و اشك, و نبرد-فرياد
به ياد داريم 9-11
كساني كه بالاترين قيمت
كساني كه با شهامت شر پيش‌آمده حل
كساني كه جرئت نجات يافته زنده گي
بيرنكش
روا وحشت
يك روز پيش چشمان ما در
aazaadi... قهرمانان و بميرد.
به ياد داريم 9-11
تا ابد زندگی ما تغيير
زود زود آن
نخواهم داشت پايان بيهوده در
مبارزه با شر براي پيروزي
مرگ جوايز خود را از آزادي
می خواهند
ما سر تعظيم تروريست ها و باقي مانده
به ياد داريم freedom... صميم قلب آرزو مىكنم 9-11
با اين حال ما, ما اميد ما
اين رويا زنده بمانند ما فرياد
آمريكا, آزادي انگشتر

the correct translation from Farsi to English

We remember 9-11
planes Thus have smoke Mortemart shattered glass
cement and steel
to
a tree and grass enemy
territory to
what was not free that this
is what happened
with our fear currents
in lion shall be
unbearable grief
that
as evil and speak
tower of victory of the conflict and
the fatal sorrowful innocent collapsed building
we cried out to allah
scholium
guests on family, friends and strangers
who need help in
the US
every day our differences
face to put aside tragedy with
courage and tears, and the battle-cry
we remember 9-11
who had the highest bidder
who bravely Evil tackled
those who dared rescued living
unfathomable
terror Admissibll
one day before our eyes in
warriors heroes and die.  
We remember 9-11
forever changed our lives
early that
he will not end in vain in
fighting against evil
death victory for its prizes of freedom
,
we will bow to terrorists and the remaining
we remember freedom. I sincerely hope 9-11
with the US, We hope
this vision we survive
America we cry, freedom ring

translated to Farsi and back  

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

  That's grand. Post it!

[fomenter]

i like how there seems to be no word for freedom in Farsi..

[Jenne]

There is.   I can get it for you in Dari.

[Jenne]

aazaadi

[fomenter]

nice i will use it, the word warriors didn't translate either for some reason..??