Hopelessly Optimistic Advice for New People Who Won't Listen.

[Payne]

I like the WOMP idea.  I'd leave the Intro and Attention Noobs thread stickied though.  I notice a lot of people do read the latter, often when they sign right up, so it seems to be doing the job.

Unless someone wants to write a new, spiffy, updated for 2009 advice for noobs?

So... You did it, you finally did it you crazy bastard. You signed up to PD.com. Your life as you knew it is over. You will never be able to go to other forums without being called a troll (or feeling restricted so much by them that you actually just start trolling them anyway). Here are a few pointers to ease your way into our little community.

I have divided them into neat little sections like a Real Person. I hope you appreciate my effort.

The Essentials:



-Right, first off, you are going to be called n00b, assface, prison bitch, prolapse-in-waiting or whatever else the fuck we want to call you. You can get pissy about it if you want, but the smart ones seem to go for calling us humorous names in return (the operative word being humorous).

- If you haven't already signed up, and are just lurking, then don't choose a retarded name. We've heard all the Discordian old standards already. You might make it if you call yourself "Emperor Norton Fnord Whiskey Sniffer" or some shit, but we'll still call you whatever we want and our perceptions of you will be somewhat tainted by your lack of originality.

-Which leads us to point two: Leave the pinealism at the door, unless you really DO have something new to share. We really have heard of the PD already, and that guy R.A.W. (He died, you know? Oh, you know already?)

-You know what, leave all the Dada, surrealist crap at the door too. Some of us really dig that shit, hell most of us do. The first time we see the shtick performed anyway.

-Sometimes, you will encounter aggravation of various forms. This is life, if you haven't learned to deal with it yet, then you shouldn't complain to us, you should complain to your parents or guardians for raising you so poorly. The best response is to act like a damn biped. On a related note, there is a custom among some of us to give you all some kind of leeway for the first 50 posts or so, to give you a chance to find your feet. This, it must be stressed, is NOT a rule and is not a license to be a douchebag. It's a guideline and anyone can break it if they want to for any or no reason.

-You have a right to say whatever retarded shit you want. You can't feel precious about that, because we have the right to be completely assholish back.

-Sometimes you may say something that we flame the fuck out of you for, but you wont know why. It's because you've unlocked one of the secret prizes! We have a lot of shorthand references to old jokes/trolls etc. It's nothing personal, we just like to keep these little land mines around. Usually, a bit of forum searching and research will reveal what it is we are responding to.

-Be yourself. I cannot stress this enough. Weird posting styles (all in rhyme, all in bold, replacing 'I' with 'J') are all well and good, but come across as completely retarded. You don't need to impress us, seriously.

-You may never find out what some of the acronyms stand for. PROTIP: There isn't a dictionary telling you what they stand for.

-Lastly, for all the idealism, we ARE still monkeys. We like to throw the poop too. This is after all a community of people, and communities are funny that way.

The "Rules":



-The only rules here are

   -Don't do anything that will get the owners into legal trouble. If you don't know what this means, find out.
   -All pornographic material must be linked and marked NSFW (Not Safe For Work). We don't want                                                                                                                                                someone fired for some bullshit, do we?
       -Outting ongoing troll activities.

There are a few other etiquette based things that you should just know anyway (spamming, thieving peoples work etc.) depending on circumstance you wont be banned for this, but it will go very badly for you.

The Good Shit:



We have a lot of different projects and ideas flowing around. Some are dead for the moment, some are live'n'kicking, but it doesn't matter. If you have something to bring to it then have at it. We have some good shit around (The Black Iron Prison, Intermittens and the GASM projects to name a few). We appreciate originality and humour. If you can bring some intelligence, wit and skill to the mix you're sorted. Think for yourself, schmuck!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thoughts, edits etc. appreciated.

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

I approve.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Some additional thoughts:

1.  Yes, we know there's a planet called Eris.  Kindly shut up about it.

2.  Don't PM the fucking management.  Last time that happened, Bush got reelected.

3.  Pinealism, mentioned above:  Quoting the principia discordia, telling people to "consult their pineal gland", and word salad.  Posting gibberish pretty much guarantees that nobody will ever listen to a word you say, ever.

4.  Certain users will hate you no matter what you do.  I am one of them.  Take it personally if you must, it won't change anything but the number of ulcers you have.

5.  The stiffy joke:  Don't tell it unless there's actually a dead person present.  Not kidding about this.  You won't get banned, but you'll get some interesting PMs.

6.  Chaos:  Chaos contains both order and disorder.  There is also no difference between "creative" and "destructive" chaos.  There is only chaos.  If you can't handle that idea, if you can't laugh at horrible shit that decent people won't even bring up, then this isn't the religion for you.  Perhaps you could join the moonies.

7.  Chaos Magick (alt Kaos Mahdgjickque or whatever fucking spelling you think adds credibility):  Go ahead.  We'll make fun of you mercilessly, but go ahead.

8.  Busting out other peoples' trolls at other boards:  This will get you banned, per ECH (with the full agreement, I believe, of the rest of the mods).  Payne neglected to spell that out in detail, because he's a horrid haggis-sucking Scotsman that likes to see Yanks suffer.  But don't we all?

9.  By registering, you have become Fred's bitch.  Sorry, it's the rules.  She's a kindly mistress, though, and even lets people keep their toes sometimes.

10.  Post pics.  Post them soon, and make sure to have a dorky fucking look on your face.  You're not really a member until you've been WOMPed.

More later.  I have to shit, now.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Oh, yes.  If you're here to teach us all how to be Discordians, just save yourself some grief and just open a post saying "I'd like you all to shit in my gaping pie hole".

Now, off to poop.

[Jenne]

Now I have to google "the stiffy joke."

[Cramulus]

Welcome to the Principia Discordia forums.
It's hard to say much about this place because it contains both some of the brilliant and most foul minds of all Discordia.

We are a Discordian Society. Not THE Discordian Society!

If you stick around for long enough, you'll form an opinion of this board. This opinion varies based on what parts of the board you engage in. I'm talking about specifically what what vibes and energies you deal with. If you come in and tell everybody that they're doing it wrong, or that they should be acting differently, they're going to push back. But if you come in with creativity, flexibility, and humor, you'll generally have a good time.

If you find yourself having a bad time, it's a good idea to take a break, lurk the board some more, and find a new angle. If you post hostility, people will reciprocate it.

This board has been around for a long time. So there's certain behaviors we've seen over and over again. Here are a few notes that will keep you avoid falling into the turd cycle:

• There are certain things which have already been discussed to death. Use the search function.


• People here are very straight forward. If you post something people don't like, they will be very honest about it. Honest feedback is necessary for the creative process. Art, writing, ideas, meme bombs, mindfucks, all these things need to be discussed until they're polished kallisti gold. Sometimes this seems harsh. But it's necessary to keep the fluff down.


• Behaviors exhibited by a few individuals are not necessarily shared by the whole group of us. You may conclude that some of us are shitheads. This is fine. But as soon as you say "This board is full of shitheads!" you've lumped in a lot of innocent bystanders.


• The internet isn't really serious buisness. All of us are just words on a screen until you decide we're something more. We're as real as you let us be.

The best thing about this board, in my opinion, is that it's action oriented. This isn't a board where everybody just talks about big plans and never does them. There are lots of projects, pranks, and other shenanigans you can actually participate in. We've found that this board becomes extremely fun when everybody is doing each other's projects. This type of organization and action makes PD something more than just an internet forum.

We have a presence in many cities. We meet up in real life. People have flown all over the world to meet other Discordians they met via PD. I've made posters that people in over 10 countries have distributed. If there actually is a global Discordian society, this is one of them. This forum kicks ass in that way.

OMGASM, Intermittens, the Black Iron Prison, and many other big fun projects all grew out of this fertile soil. I've been to the edge of the internet, and I've never seen a meeting of minds anything like it. It also sucks balls sometimes, but hey, that's the human condition.

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

9 and 10 are my favourite rules, Fred is a benevolent Dictator, and you are no one till you been WOMPed.

What I has Learned At PD
using the "I'm so shocking look at meeeeee" card is annoying, you will get called on it.

Wut payne said about being really real and YOU is important. Unless your an Alt.  I got a pretty smooth run as a n00b once I figured that whining around here will get you no sympathy, and everyone is pretty much cool. I learned quick, no lurking for me!

DO NOT TREAT STUFF AS SOCIAL EXPERIMENTZ. Fictionpuss gets shit about that one still. (Fuck you, FP!)

You can survive a discordian meat-up as a n00b. I did. Barely.

NOW LOOK AT ME! :shakes fist at Payne:

[fomenter]

Noobs--we don't care if you you just finished a philosophy 101 class with good grades, being pretentious and pedantic is of no use in the real world or this forum!!
leave it in the  halls of academia where you can use it to kiss some professors ass

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

1. If you flip anyone here shit, you will probably get it back forever, with interest. If you fuck up or humiliate yourself in a particularly obnoxious way, it helps to have a sense of humor about it because the more you have a stick up your ass about something that wounded your pride, the more people will enjoy bringing it up again and again.

2. I know everyone has an opinion on pinealists, but I just have one last two-cent piece to throw in:

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=18994.0

If you were thinking of impressing upon us how wacky, out-there, and virtually incomprehensible you are by virtue of how you are a beautiful and unique snowflake with a genius verging on madness, I'd like you to read that entire thread. Note that hirley0 is not trying. That is simply how he communicates, and has for at least the last 15 years. You can't outdo him. Please spare us all the embarrassment, and don't even go there.

[Bu🤠ns]

Goddmanit with the prolapse again

Shit is haunting me....



Excellent job nonetheless 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

1. If you flip anyone here shit, you will probably get it back forever, with interest. If you fuck up or humiliate yourself in a particularly obnoxious way, it helps to have a sense of humor about it because the more you have a stick up your ass about something that wounded your pride, the more people will enjoy bringing it up again and again.

2. I know everyone has an opinion on pinealists, but I just have one last two-cent piece to throw in:

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=18994.0

If you were thinking of impressing upon us how wacky, out-there, and virtually incomprehensible you are by virtue of how you are a beautiful and unique snowflake with a genius verging on madness, I'd like you to read that entire thread. Note that hirley0 is not trying. That is simply how he communicates, and has for at least the last 15 years. You can't outdo him. Please spare us all the embarrassment, and don't even go there.

I have never and will never harrass Hirley0, for two reasons:

1.  That's just him.

2.  He keeps it in one or two threads.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

hirley0 is good people. He used to run for school superintendent regularly, but sadly, was never elected. He also once posted a detailed ASCII diagram and instructions for making stirrup pants, only he called them "St1r-UF" pants. That was... OMG, I think 17 years ago.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Newest member:  Haggbard.   

[LMNO]

Please note that there are members of the board who are, either professionally or otherwise fully informed of:

Biology
Physics (quantum and otherwise)
Linguistics
Computer programming
Engineering
Cooking
Graphic design
Drug counseling
Cabalah
Writing
International Relations
Terrorism (theory)
Literature
Costume design
Automotive repair
Survivalism
Music theory/production/performance
Hate


Among other skills. Don't think you can get away with shit and not get called on it.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I love the implied hostility of this thread.

All you fuckers turned into me.  HAR HAR!