Shit that pisses me off: rant trifecta

[Richter]

Large numbers of people standing behind me talking while I'm at work.  Fucker may be plotting against me, trying to look inconspicuous before they strike.  Ok, so I turn around to give them a look or ask for a little quiet, and they get all offended that I broke up their little social club.  Well FUCK YOU SLAPPNUTS.  I actually WORK when I'm at my job.  I keep the personal BS off the floor.  I don't care about your mother's postulant cankers, except for the one who is currently stinking up my airspace.

People who walk ahead of me, too slowly, EXACTLY in the middle of a route too narrow to pass them in.  Seriously, what the fuck?  You've just made it a necessity for me to offend you, and I will do so with glee.  I now have to walk right up on you heels to follow you, match your speed and practically STALK you from standard distance, or brush past your slow indignant ass.  If you can't respond politely to an "Excuse me", or stay out of the way, of people who know how to MOVE, you deserve to be clubbed like a seal by anyone who can get up in your blind spot.  No, choad – graft, I DON'T want your purse.  Life free of your presence is all the treasure I want at the moment.

Other drivers.  Are you driving in front of me too slow? Tailgating?  In my blind spot matching my speed?  Directly next to me?  Taking a turn I just took?  Well asshole, then you are doing something that leads me to conclude you are FUCKING with me.  Pull over, fall to your knees and repent.  NOW.

[Cain]

Tailgaters should be shot.  There is absolutely no fucking rationale to sit on someone's tail unless you are trying to cause an accident.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Tailgaters should be shot.  There is absolutely no fucking rationale to sit on someone's tail unless you are trying to cause an accident.

Balls.  If you aren't willing to drive at a decent clip while in the fast lane, get over, or I will get in your trunk.

There's no excuse, though, in the slow lanes.

[Cain]

Tailgaters should be shot.  There is absolutely no fucking rationale to sit on someone's tail unless you are trying to cause an accident.

Balls.  If you aren't willing to drive at a decent clip while in the fast lane, get over, or I will get in your trunk.

There's no excuse, though, in the slow lanes.

We only have two lanes in the UK, barring motorways.  And it always seems to happen when I'm more or less doing the limit.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Tailgaters should be shot.  There is absolutely no fucking rationale to sit on someone's tail unless you are trying to cause an accident.

Balls.  If you aren't willing to drive at a decent clip while in the fast lane, get over, or I will get in your trunk.

There's no excuse, though, in the slow lanes.

We only have two lanes in the UK, barring motorways.  And it always seems to happen when I'm more or less doing the limit.

We have a 4 lane highway that loops around Tucson.  4.  Lanes.

And Granny fucking Bluehair in her 1985 Buick just HAS to go 5 under the speed limit in the fast lane.

TGRR,
Gonna put spikes on his front bumper.  Really big fucking spikes.

[Cain]

I think in the UK, there must be a driving school, a very large one, that instructs people to sit less than two metres off the back of someone, no matter what speed they are going.  Because I have seen it all over the place.  Makes me want to start breaking randomly, almost.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I think in the UK, there must be a driving school, a very large one, that instructs people to sit less than two metres off the back of someone, no matter what speed they are going.  Because I have seen it all over the place.  Makes me want to start breaking randomly, almost.

Just take your foot off the gas, and watch them lose their minds in the rear view mirror.

[Richter]

Tailgaters should be shot.  There is absolutely no fucking rationale to sit on someone's tail unless you are trying to cause an accident.

Balls.  If you aren't willing to drive at a decent clip while in the fast lane, get over, or I will get in your trunk.

There's no excuse, though, in the slow lanes.

We only have two lanes in the UK, barring motorways.  And it always seems to happen when I'm more or less doing the limit.

Don't they have laws against "Convoy -ing" too?  You get two shitsticks with simialr conceptions of "Safe" driving next to each other, and they effectively block a highway.

I think in the UK, there must be a driving school, a very large one, that instructs people to sit less than two metres off the back of someone, no matter what speed they are going.  Because I have seen it all over the place.  Makes me want to start breaking randomly, almost.

Just take your foot off the gas, and watch them lose their minds in the rear view mirror.

This.  You're NOT breaking, hence they have no warning from your lights. 

Also, my break lights activate at the barest (non break engaging) pressure to the pedal.  This is INVALUABLE for fuckign with their driving conditioning.

[LMNO]

"chode-graft"?


Richter, you are my new short-term personal savior.

[Richter]

"chode-graft"?


Richter, you are my new short-term personal savior.

St. Richter of the Sphincter, at your servix.

( "If it ain't fo that saint, I wouln't have no taint!" )

[LMNO]

Incidentally, I heard about your time at the confessional last weekend.


First off, I want to know what brand of scotch.


Second, why the fuck are you topping it off with white wine, and chardonnay no less?

[Richter]

It was epic.  They got blank indulgences printed up for me and everything.  Confessions and penance ranged from dry to slap - happy.  it started slow, so I harrased the gaming tables for SIN, dropped a big rock on the board, and promptly got more penitents showing up.   

First off, I want to know what brand of scotch.

Glenfidich 15yr.

Second, why the fuck are you topping it off with white wine, and chardonnay no less?

I get WEIRD when I'm drunk sometimes, and it seemed like a good idea.  The fuckawful heartburn wasn't helping my judgement in this. 
I woke up fine, but next time my stomach - settle of choice will be guiness.

[LMNO]

I double-dog dare you to videotape it next time.