Dear Roger,

[hooplala]

Dear Roger,

It sure as shit ain't getting better.  I had an incident tonight.  I was sitting on the miserable rattle coaster excuse for this city's Public Transit, and without the shielding of a book or some form of music device I was forced to look the monkey in the eye, face to face with the Brothers and Sisters that were forced on me because of the spot on the face of Planet Mudball I was unfortunate enough to have been born onto.  It was as if the work of Hieronymus Bosch sprang into life around me, but wearing blinking sneakers and sparkling vampire t-shirts.  I'm just a man, Roger, I have my limits, dammit.  Picture the Incredible Hulk doing the tango; picture Godzilla going for sushi; picture, hell picture Frankenstein dusting.  It was not pretty.  There's something about the smell of fresh brain that reminds me of my first bedroom.  It was purple.  What sane parent paints a kid's bedroom purple?  I didn't stand a fucking chance, Roger.

Some questions:
Is it possible that the typhoon in the Philippines is the direct result of the whale-tail of Miley Cyrus?  Does the ghost of Anna Nicole Smith fart?  What did Pope Ratzinger say to Megan Fox and David Hasselhof when they all met in the Los Angeles headquarters of the Kabbalah Center™?  I don't know either, but I suspect we will all find out, sooner rather than later.  

Roger, why is it that anyone can pop out a kid, yet to receive a free coke at McDonalds I have to fill out a quiz?  How can I be expected to hear the word 'crantini' and not snap and strangle someone?  Can you answer me that?  The green olives of the world weep, my friend.

My great grandfather watched for German planes on a rooftop during WWII.  When someone called out that the war was over, he  fell from the building, impaling himself on a spiked fence far below.  A co-worker asked him, "William, does it hurt?" My grandfather replied: "Only when I laugh."   Me too, Roger; only when I laugh.

Hoopla

PS:  I need you to wire me some bail money.

[Sir Squid Diddimus]

oh my god.

my first bedroom in our very first house was also purple.


I'm fucking doomed.

[Triple Zero]

!!!!

would love to see you do that as a podcast, if you get around to it, btw!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

That was lovely.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Dear Hoops,

Stop this fucking about, good sir.  The world is in this condition due to two principle causes: 

1.  The almost aggressive apathy of 99.9% of the population.  FUCK YOU, I DON'T CARE AND I DON'T WANT TO CARE AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!".  This is why we don't have self-driving cars...the technology is there, but nobody wants it.  For one, driving is the last freedom you have, and for two, every time there's a car crash, the GDP goes up just a bit.  Two new cars, the cops get paid, the ambulance gets paid, the hospital gets paid, the tow truck, etc, etc.  So a bunch of people die every year?  Boo hoo hoo.

2.  Canada.  Don't think we aren't on to you fuckers, firing your garbage cannons into Detroit from Windsor.  How long do you expect us to tolerate these outrages? 

Also, where's my jetpack, motherfucker?  I was promised one.  I was supposed to have it 10 years ago.  I'll take that flying car, too.

[hooplala]

Dear Roger,

Trust me, "Canada" is a convenient fiction that the real perpetrator here is trying to hide behind.  And I think we all know who that is: Quebec.  Canada is really Quebec, Quebec is really France, and France is... jesus god I don't want to contemplate the possibilities.  I can explain about the garbage being shot at Detroit though, it is all a complete misunderstanding; we were aiming for Toledo.

Some conspiracy wingnuts think that it's fluoridation in the water that is making the population more and more apathetic, but I know different, you see I've got the inside scoop from my vast underground network of associates: non-toxic Play Doh.  Kids love that shit, and when they find out it's non-toxic every playroom is suddenly like the salad bar at the Ponderosa.  Think about that and think about the little porkers running around more and more.  The Wii will never catch on, not with these butterballs.

What could possibly go wrong?

Hoopla

PS:  where's my bail money??

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Dear Roger,

Trust me, "Canada" is a convenient fiction that the real perpetrator here is trying to hide behind.  And I think we all know who that is: Quebec.  Canada is really Quebec, Quebec is really France, and France is... jesus god I don't want to contemplate the possibilities.  I can explain about the garbage being shot at Detroit though, it is all a complete misunderstanding; we were aiming for Toledo.

Some conspiracy wingnuts think that it's fluoridation in the water that is making the population more and more apathetic, but I know different, you see I've got the inside scoop from my vast underground network of associates: non-toxic Play Doh.  Kids love that shit, and when they find out it's non-toxic every playroom is suddenly like the salad bar at the Ponderosa.  Think about that and think about the little porkers running around more and more.  The Wii will never catch on, not with these butterballs.

What could possibly go wrong?

Hoopla

PS:  where's my bail money??

Actually, it's the complacency in the water that's doing it.  And we know not this "Ponderosa".  At least not in the pure areas of America, untouched by your socialism and your "social safety net".  We have REAL steak houses, and there's none of that commie European "Swiss Chalet" shit, either.  Just loads and loads of cholesterol FREEDOM.  You can feel the little chunks of liberty attach to the inside walls of your aorta.

And your bail money?  Sir, do I look like the sort that falls for "Nigerian Prince" scams?  No, sir, I know the Canadian court system (having spent a little time dealing with it, now and again, in Nappanee.), and I know that you have no "bail" as that might imply that you have "trials" like we have here in the land of the free.  I mean, sure, when we try people for some crimes, they go back to prison for life even if they're innocent*, but at least we don't play hockey.  Except in Boston, and they play it badly since Bobby Orr was killed by terrorists.



*  http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/07/07/detainees-acquitted-free/

Even Fox News is clapping for Obama on this one.  He's "one of the boys", now...much like Fomenter on a national level.

[maphdet]

Also, where's my jetpack, motherfucker?  I was promised one.  I was supposed to have it 10 years ago.  I'll take that flying car, too.

Yeah-We were promised damn it!
(that was just to keep us in high hopes and to keep that rat ball rolling)

[hooplala]

Dear Roger,

Trust me, "Canada" is a convenient fiction that the real perpetrator here is trying to hide behind.  And I think we all know who that is: Quebec.  Canada is really Quebec, Quebec is really France, and France is... jesus god I don't want to contemplate the possibilities.  I can explain about the garbage being shot at Detroit though, it is all a complete misunderstanding; we were aiming for Toledo.

Some conspiracy wingnuts think that it's fluoridation in the water that is making the population more and more apathetic, but I know different, you see I've got the inside scoop from my vast underground network of associates: non-toxic Play Doh.  Kids love that shit, and when they find out it's non-toxic every playroom is suddenly like the salad bar at the Ponderosa.  Think about that and think about the little porkers running around more and more.  The Wii will never catch on, not with these butterballs.

What could possibly go wrong?

Hoopla

PS:  where's my bail money??

Actually, it's the complacency in the water that's doing it.  And we know not this "Ponderosa".  At least not in the pure areas of America, untouched by your socialism and your "social safety net".  We have REAL steak houses, and there's none of that commie European "Swiss Chalet" shit, either.  Just loads and loads of cholesterol FREEDOM.  You can feel the little chunks of liberty attach to the inside walls of your aorta.

And your bail money?  Sir, do I look like the sort that falls for "Nigerian Prince" scams?  No, sir, I know the Canadian court system (having spent a little time dealing with it, now and again, in Nappanee.), and I know that you have no "bail" as that might imply that you have "trials" like we have here in the land of the free.  I mean, sure, when we try people for some crimes, they go back to prison for life even if they're innocent*, but at least we don't play hockey.  Except in Boston, and they play it badly since Bobby Orr was killed by terrorists.



*  http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/07/07/detainees-acquitted-free/

Even Fox News is clapping for Obama on this one.  He's "one of the boys", now...much like Fomenter on a national level.

Dear Roger,

Good sir, that isn't a steakhouse, that's McDonalds... Similiar, though.  Similar in the sense that Donny and Marie was similar to Sonny and Cher, but one of these two pairs didn't fuck each other.  I leave the decision of which was which to you, but I'm sure you gather my meaning.  More Mad Cow means more steak, and brother, we still beat you on the Mad Cow front.  Have I mentioned that Stephen Harper eats babies?  We can marry men to men here, but don't think about being able to protect your own home... We claim Free Speech, but have nothing on the books which protects it.  Hate Speech is a term tossed around by anyone who doesn't like what you say... which is damn near everyone when it comes to me.  But, we have the Beachcombers, so I guess it ain't all bad.

Don't worry about the bail money, they tell me I can work it off in some place called "Gulag", which doesn't sound too bad.  I wonder if they get digital cable?

Hoopla

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Har!  The Beachcombers is still running? 

Also:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canadian_Charter_of_Rights_and_Freedoms

Fundamental freedoms (section 2), namely freedom of conscience, freedom of religion, freedom of thought, freedom of belief, freedom of expression, freedom of the press and of other media of communication, freedom of peaceful assembly, and freedom of association.

So, yeah, it's in writing.

Not that this makes any difference anymore HERE, and I bet it doesn't THERE.