News:

"At the teaparties they only dunked bags into cups of water...because they didn't want to break the law. And that just about sums up America's revolutionary spirit."

Main Menu

Plant your dreams.

Started by Roaring Biscuit!, November 20, 2009, 05:05:53 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Roaring Biscuit!

Quote from: Brotep on November 26, 2009, 07:49:15 AM
This is almost really, really good.  It gets a little too distracted by the cliche of clouds having a silver lining.  Also, I am not sure whether the opening and closing line is necessary.  I guess I'd say focus more on the process, and let it grow organically instead of stumbling around cliches like some kind of minefield.

silver clouds with a dark lining in this iteration. but I see your point.  I think it could probably be fixed by removing some of the "silver"s, i did go a bit overboard :)

Brotep

Yeah, you're not using the cliche, but you're using a twist on the cliche.  I found it distracted from the content of the piece, that's all.


Dreams as "delicate strands of silver light" is nice.  I guess I would ask more about what is being planted, and what grows from it.
A dream growing into a silver tree, makes sense...Or maybe the dreams intertwining to form the tree.


Never mind what I said about the intro and outtro before--they're cool.