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Plant your dreams.

Started by Roaring Biscuit!, November 20, 2009, 05:05:53 PM

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Roaring Biscuit!

#15
November 26, 2009, 11:39:02 AM
Quote from: Brotep on November 26, 2009, 07:49:15 AM
This is almost really, really good.  It gets a little too distracted by the cliche of clouds having a silver lining.  Also, I am not sure whether the opening and closing line is necessary.  I guess I'd say focus more on the process, and let it grow organically instead of stumbling around cliches like some kind of minefield.

silver clouds with a dark lining in this iteration. but I see your point.  I think it could probably be fixed by removing some of the "silver"s, i did go a bit overboard :)

Brotep

#16
November 29, 2009, 01:18:47 AM
Yeah, you're not using the cliche, but you're using a twist on the cliche.  I found it distracted from the content of the piece, that's all.


Dreams as "delicate strands of silver light" is nice.  I guess I would ask more about what is being planted, and what grows from it.
A dream growing into a silver tree, makes sense...Or maybe the dreams intertwining to form the tree.


Never mind what I said about the intro and outtro before--they're cool.
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