Leviathan Pt3: The consumer

[P3nT4gR4m]

I need organic produce, as opposed to the other method of farming in which the food just fucking spontaneously appears in a cloud of radio active isotopes and asbestos dust. Fuck that shit. I want vegetables with beetles in and I'll pay twice what enyone is asking for it

My teevee aint flat enough and it aint high definition enough. Keep your 720p and 1080p I want a million fucking pixels per micronanometer and a screen so wide I have to cordon off half my street just to read the channel guide.

I want a watch that can resist water forever. Period. Stuff your 75 meters bullshit up your arse. If I fall in the deep, deep briny and end up down one of those fault line trenches and sink to such a depth that my body is crushed so dense it starts affecting the earths crust with it's gravitational pull... goddamnit I want that watch to be still telling me the time in every country in the world. Don't ask me why. I just want it and, what's more, I want it delivered to my door, by a stripper called Candy, wearing nothing but baby oil, no later than 23 seconds after I've placed my online order.

I want mobile broadband that can download the whole internet, in realtime, bundled free with every teevee channel there is for £9.99 per fucking calendar year. I shit you not. I expect a landline, gas and electricity and a blowjob off the guy who comes to install it all.

I want shoes that define me as a person. Hi-tec, cutting edge, performance, sweat resistant, glow in the dark, bluetooth enabled motherfucking shoes. I don't want laces or velcro or any of that bullshit, I wanna whistle and those shoes will come trotting over and climb on my goddamn feet.

I want toothpaste that I can brush on my gums that makes a fucking tooth grow back. It had damn well better keep my breath fresh for the rest of my natural existence and another decade or so underground. If they ever exhume my corpse I want them to be hit by minty freshness that'll make them go "WOW!" Followed by the unmistakable musk of a deoderant that fills attractive women with the uncontrollable urge to rape me in the street.

I need a razor with so many blades it comes with a free block and tackle so I don't dislocate my arm raising the fucking thing up to my face. In fact scratch that. I want an electric motherfucker. That's right. I want micro-filament one atom thick screen and diamond tipped blades that shaves so close you can see my skull poking through.

Or kill me.

[Cainad (dec.)]

And the customer service better be top-fucking-notch, too!

[Cramulus]

Dear p3nt,

We regret to inform you that you may not have nice things. Please reference the vast damage you have done to the economy through a life of breaking shit without paying for it, and skipping out on loans. Regardless, we hope you will enjoy this half-used tube of lube and dirty gym sock.


Regards,


The Mgt

[LMNO]

Dear p3nt,

We regret to inform you that you may not have nice things. Please reference the vast damage you have done to the economy through a life of breaking shit without paying for it, and skipping out on loans. Regardless, we hope you will enjoy this half-used tube of lube and dirty gym sock.


Regards,


The Mgt

Game, set, match.