Author Topic: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review  (Read 21960 times)

The Good Reverend Roger

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A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
« on: January 23, 2010, 02:58:51 pm »
Okay, bit of backstory.  This smug bastard (and a really fucked up specimen, for reasons that I will not go into here) that works with Evil Roomie gives her a copy of his book, which she valiantly attempts to read.  Eventually, she gives up trying and lets me see it.

It's AMAZING.  It's the WORST THING EVER WRITTEN IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.  There is a 10+ page excerpt, and I heartily encourage those with a sick sense of humor and no olfactory sense to try it.

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/delgotha-book-i-the-kings-of-war/4819573?productTrackingContext=center_search_results

Anyway, Nivek and I decided to review this book (login requires and email entry, but no confirm).

Here's mine:

Quote
I gave this book one star, because there are no negative values available.

The characters have unnecessarily complicated names that seem like the author hired epileptics and had them seize up at the keyboard, the dialog reads like it was written by terminal syphilis patients, and in general the whole book makes me want to dig up William Shakespeare and shit in his decomposed chest.

Seriously, this book is completely unreadable, and whatever plot line it has is lost amid the truly awful writing. I borrowed this book from a friend, and I still got robbed. I want my precious time back, alongside the brain cells that could have been more usefully slain with drugs.

This book ruined my life. As a life-long bibliophile, I am ruined on reading forever. This book killed James Brown and Johnny Cash, because they were too cool to exist in the same universe as this incredible pile of drek.

What kind of mental defect writes this sort of rubbish? Was he born wrong? This sort of absolute shit can only be explained by fetal alcohol syndrome or smashed chromosomes due to being born too close to the power plant.

If the author has other irons in the fire, I can only suggest that he remove the irons and insert his work. Do not give up your day job, even if you are stuck in a dead-end career as a 3rd assistant jizz-mopper.

The book has a blurb on the back by a gentleman by the name of Don Skiles, who is apparently a published author of some sort, which makes me wonder why he would pimp his good name out on the back of such an insult to the English language and all authors everywhere. Mr Skiles must have been drugged or paid in the souls of orphan children.

In closing, I can only compare this book to the first 15 minutes of the movie "Malos, Hands of Doom", and it makes me wish that I had been born without eyes, because so far as I have seen, there is no braille version of this incredible piece of offal.

Okay for now,
Dr Hamish Howl

And here's Nivek's:
Quote
I am insulted by this book's existence. Twenty syllable names cannot cover up bad writing. To say the dialogue is wooden is an insult to trees everywhere as is the paper wasted on this book. It's written like an adolescent RPG...
I would like to explain to the author that a blow-by-blow account of his Dungeons and Dragons game does not make good fiction.

I would agree with Dr. Howl, this book has ruined my life. I would use the pages to line the bottom of my cat box, but I'm afraid that it would make my already imbecilic cats dumber and render them sterile and blind for the rest of their lives.

This book is the literary equivalent of French experimental music.

To sum it up, this book made Sarah Palin's autobiography look like it was written by F. Scott Fitzgerald, who was arguably the best writer in the last 100 years. This book is a disservice to his memory and the memory of writers everywhere.

For God's sake, stop.

I encourage you all to try the sample, and when you stop howling with laughterbarf, post your review.  Keep in mind that not only is this guy a terrible writer, he's a terrible person.

I, personally, plan to find other horrible books to review.

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Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2010, 03:06:39 pm »
Mwahahaha! That will get his panties in a twist.

Cainad (dec.)

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Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2010, 03:47:02 pm »
:spit:  War Unicorns! :lulz:

I feel slightly bad ragging on some bloke's effort at writing, but dayum...

Payne

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Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2010, 03:56:13 pm »
Quote
I shall NOT be buying this on the basis of the preview.

I was excited to see some fantasy fiction with dragons in it, because I have not seen it before, but this one was not good.

My English is not perfect, because I am not from Britain to begin with, but even I could see the mistakes being made. That was just the spelling and grammar.

Then the story was bad too. The description was dull, and it seems it was honest that way - not a writers preference for describing a dull scene. For the first five pages?! Bad move author man! And so I stopped reading.

Even though I wanted to see the spells the start of the book spoke about, I could not dig deep enough. (I have a thought now, perhaps he means 'spell' as in challenge of writing in English like a big boy, and not Mhadjiquekal Spell? If this is it, maybe he should go visit his 'Gramma' too)

I read instead the ingredients of the shampoo bottle. As many syllables and excitement, made much the same sense AND also makes my hair wondrous with no spell (or gramma)!

In the old country a man would be chased through the street by lepers and beaten by their sandals with disconnected feet still inside for being cheeky enough to charge money for this. Or made to fight in the army for having too much time with nothing better to do.

I do not see the other reviews, or it seems anyone else can see mine.

But here it is anyway.

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Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2010, 03:58:54 pm »
Quote
I shall NOT be buying this on the basis of the preview.

I was excited to see some fantasy fiction with dragons in it, because I have not seen it before, but this one was not good.

My English is not perfect, because I am not from Britain to begin with, but even I could see the mistakes being made. That was just the spelling and grammar.

Then the story was bad too. The description was dull, and it seems it was honest that way - not a writers preference for describing a dull scene. For the first five pages?! Bad move author man! And so I stopped reading.

Even though I wanted to see the spells the start of the book spoke about, I could not dig deep enough. (I have a thought now, perhaps he means 'spell' as in challenge of writing in English like a big boy, and not Mhadjiquekal Spell? If this is it, maybe he should go visit his 'Gramma' too)

I read instead the ingredients of the shampoo bottle. As many syllables and excitement, made much the same sense AND also makes my hair wondrous with no spell (or gramma)!

In the old country a man would be chased through the street by lepers and beaten by their sandals with disconnected feet still inside for being cheeky enough to charge money for this. Or made to fight in the army for having too much time with nothing better to do.

I do not see the other reviews, or it seems anyone else can see mine.

But here it is anyway.

 :lulz:

The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2010, 04:23:13 pm »
:spit:  War Unicorns! :lulz:

I feel slightly bad ragging on some bloke's effort at writing, but dayum...

Don't.  This guy is a cunt.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Reginald Ret

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Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2010, 04:50:55 pm »
mine:
Quote
I can write a review several pages long about this book, but my grandmother told me 'If you have nothing good to say then say nothing at all'.
So i will just say that the interpunction is flawless.
Delzer has clearly mastered the art of the dot.
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Freeky

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Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2010, 07:19:28 pm »
Quote
I thought I could read this. I was able to read those books about the sparkly vampires, after all. I made it through one paragraph, reading normally.


And then I threw my hands up in defeat. Congratulations, you roont literature for me.

I have to parctice being horrible to people, I'm not very good at it.

Eater of Clowns

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Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2010, 09:31:37 pm »
As I'm sure some literary enthusiasts are aware, the act of reading can be akin to the act of worship.  Our altars are the evening easy chairs or quiet spots where we practice these rites.  We may lend our minds to each well crafted sentence, our souls to each developed character.  Or in the case of Delgotha, we may practice self flagellation.

Regular readers may be aware of our rating system, which ranks characterization, story, prose, and our miscellaneous category to be determined by the reviewer.  The length of the excerpt submitted limits how well one might see the ending, thereby potentially rendering this review useless:  I believe every character in the story to be the same character.  It is only by this explanation that two characters' either presume to know the other's side of the conversation, eliminating crucial communicative dialogue while speaking focused on trivialities.  Characterization - zero.

The story is a refreshing take on an old, sad tale.  That of the enormously overwhelmed army of good against the sadistic and disgusting army of evil.  With dragons.  Story - zero.

Many a literary giant has strode onto the writing scene with a horribly misunderstood style which would later be venerated as one to have changed the form forever.  It is with a certain amount of confidence that I might take the risk of declaring this simply not one of those instances.  Prose - zero.

My fourth and final score I shall call "Needlessly Complex Nomenclature."  It was determined by dividing the number of characters appearing in the book - 97 - by the average number of syllables per name - 8.08 - arriving at the NCN score of 12.  Calling the score arbitrary would be unfair.  The number came from a combination of genuine spite and disgust.

The average of the four scores brings Delgotha to a three out of five stars.  Three stars that, should there be any deity for our little religion of reading or any greater justice at all, will supernova and eliminate our author.  Unkindly.
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Eater of Clowns

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Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2010, 09:59:13 pm »
I felt like I should write in the idea I've been tossing around for a while - a humor blog that reviews reviews.  Everything is reviewed by everybody and it's frequently done poorly even in major media outlets.  Roger Ebert is basically the only film critic I respect because he rates movies how they're intended - a popcorn blockbuster can get the same rating as a serious Oscar contender because the former isn't trying to be a serious Oscar contender thereby making it as successful in its intention.  The blog would basically be aiming at needlessly pretentious reviewers who spend more time jerking off over their own language or asshats who assign political/religious meanings to everything.

Also, this guy's writing reminded me of The Elemenstor Saga and Song of the Sorcelator - Penny Arcade parodies on generic fantasy writing.

"A flash of lightning tore through the tumult, illuminating the grizzled Elemenstor and his ambulatory dresser." --Book 1, officially the first line of The Elemenstor Cycle
EoC, you are the bane of my existence.

EoC doesn't make creepy.

EoC makes creepy worse.

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the afflicted persons get hold of and consume carrots even in socially quite unacceptable situations.

NotPublished

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Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
« Reply #10 on: January 24, 2010, 12:33:15 am »
Quote
This book was painful to read,
I am one set for strong first appearances - and this failed to deliver. I found the story to be too fluffy and the descriptive language is poorly written. For the sake of irony, I won't go further than that - because that's just what the book did.

While it may be a cute book for a 10 year old, I can not see anything remotely resembling success out of this, I attempted to read the character list and they were phonetically listed out - with good reason to, Delgotha is possibly (I refused to read further) the best name out of the sore bunch. The rest of this review is going to go by assumption now,  because I just can.

Based on the poor descriptive language (and the many short cuts) that come from this Author, I am close to certain that the characters will be as shallow as the description "His boots are silver...", "He was happy".

Reading that gives me a lack of fulfilment and killed my remaining sex drive as I bitterly wrote this review, a book needs Character Dynamics, Descriptive Language and a Well-thought out plan. Clearly one of the Dragons will be-friend the enemy and they'll share lemonade and tea. Also, I am sure it has been pointed out but a diverse range of names does not cover up a lack of story. Everyone reading it will have such a hard time pronouncing the names - and if they finally do manage it they will get the sense of accomplishment by doing just that. Tyrosagondra.

If I HAD to leave a rating, it would be rated R for retarded.

Here is my review, I haven't submitted it yet
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Freeky

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Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
« Reply #11 on: January 24, 2010, 12:36:05 am »
Rated R for retarded = excellence, NP.  :lulz:

Remington

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Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
« Reply #12 on: January 24, 2010, 07:20:47 am »
This book, it give me hope.

After all, if this guy can get such a horrible genre-rape piece of tripe published, then there's still hope left for getting my stuff published.
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Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
« Reply #13 on: January 24, 2010, 07:06:13 pm »
I felt like I should write in the idea I've been tossing around for a while - a humor blog that reviews reviews.  Everything is reviewed by everybody and it's frequently done poorly even in major media outlets.  Roger Ebert is basically the only film critic I respect because he rates movies how they're intended - a popcorn blockbuster can get the same rating as a serious Oscar contender because the former isn't trying to be a serious Oscar contender thereby making it as successful in its intention.  The blog would basically be aiming at needlessly pretentious reviewers who spend more time jerking off over their own language or asshats who assign political/religious meanings to everything.

I like this idea. Can I steal it? I really want to write snarky reviews of VC's reviews of things I've never seen.


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Cain

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Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
« Reply #14 on: January 24, 2010, 08:12:28 pm »
Havent you considered literary terrorism?

By which I mean you write thousands of praising reviews and steal phrases from literary theory textbooks to "prove" how amazing it really is?  Then you can sucker others into buying it and having their brains rotted.