So, the GM of the restaurant I was cheffing at in Maine sent out a mass email...

[East Coast Hustle]

...asking about who was planning on returning for this summer before she starts advertising for job openings, and the following was the reply from one of our bartenders (real names obscured):

B***, I'd really like to work there again, but I'd like to have a situation addressed that has been causing me a bit of distress, on a busy saturday night a keg had kicked and I ran out back to perform a quick keg switcheroo(bar lingo for replacing an empty beer receptacle) in my haste I yanked open the kitchen walk in, which you know is located right next to the beer cooler. I walked in to find Mike B***d and Larry M**n*r in a romantic embrace, engaging in a "french" kiss, I have no issue w that. Larry turned to me, looked me in the eyes and said "I heard u like Sriracha on EVERYTHING." He then grabbed a bottle of hot sauce and started spilling it all over the front of his pants(groin area!!) And rubbing it with his palms, him and Mike started cackling at me, I slowly backed out. I'd love to make drinks at D****s again, but feel advances like this are "over the top"
Thank u
Randy

[Doktor Howl]

 

Now let's see YOUR response to her email.

[LMNO]

"Dear B***, My name's not Larry."

[East Coast Hustle]

Now let's see YOUR response to her email.

Randy, we have a webcam set up in the walk-in and in the freezer. If you would like to purchase some footage of more of Larry's inappropriate sexual exploits in order to help you work through your conflicted feelings, I can arrange it. I'll even throw in "miscellaneous foreigners get slapped with fish" and "what they really use cornstarch for" for free.

[Doktor Howl]

Now let's see YOUR response to her email.

Randy, we have a webcam set up in the walk-in and in the freezer. If you would like to purchase some footage of more of Larry's inappropriate sexual exploits in order to help you work through your conflicted feelings, I can arrange it. I'll even throw in "miscellaneous foreigners get slapped with fish" and "what they really use cornstarch for" for free.

So, you won't be returning?

[East Coast Hustle]

and then this from the GM:

So...as an employer...perhaps the group mailing was a bad idea... We've obviously been closed too long if I forgot such a key point.

[East Coast Hustle]

Now let's see YOUR response to her email.

Randy, we have a webcam set up in the walk-in and in the freezer. If you would like to purchase some footage of more of Larry's inappropriate sexual exploits in order to help you work through your conflicted feelings, I can arrange it. I'll even throw in "miscellaneous foreigners get slapped with fish" and "what they really use cornstarch for" for free.

So, you won't be returning?

don't kid. They literally cannot afford to replace me, and they know it, and they know I know they know it. Because I really like working there and because they are basically family and because so far EVERYTHING that has bothered me about the operation has always been resolved to my satisfaction, I am going to be reasonable and only ask for a dollar-per-hour raise. Sounds modest, but it works out to about an extra $1200 +/- dollars over the course of the summer.

I also still get 10% of the net profits and our numbers have been trending upward in a curve that's very favorable to me.

[East Coast Hustle]

I don't actually have cameras in the walk-in. The bartender's email is a joke. He and I frequently play foil for each other's little pranks. Had I seen the original message first, I'd probably have written something very similar in reply.

[Suu]

Maybe I should live up there for the summer and work with these wackos until September.

[East Coast Hustle]

I don't know what you're clocking at the place you're at now, but we're open for 25 weeks and 20 of those are pretty fuckin busy. Our Waitresses seem to do pretty well, especially if they know what they're doing and are good at upselling and ESPECIALLY if they know our beer selection and are good at pushing the pricey imported drafts on people who will be happy to pay for them and actually appreciate the beer they're buying.

Doesn't hurt that you're a looker, either. We tend to have hot girls who are dumb or smart girls who aren't that hot. They both do pretty well, but someone who could combine the two would probably make out like a bandit.

I know you're probably not serious, but if you are let me know so I can make sure that wherever I rent for the summer has enough rooms (I assume you'd rather room with a stranger from PD than an actual stranger).

[Doktor Howl]

I thought you hated those guys and were never going back?   

Something about dumping horrible prehistoric worms into the wharf pilings?

[East Coast Hustle]

yeah, but like I said, every problem I have had there has been resolved to my satisfaction.

and let me tell you, dumping a bucket of giant wood-boring worms into the harbor was VERY satisfying.

[Doktor Howl]

yeah, but like I said, every problem I have had there has been resolved to my satisfaction.

and let me tell you, dumping a bucket of giant wood-boring worms into the harbor was VERY satisfying.