End Stache Abuse: Go Straight Edge

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

The fact that he put up with it is admirable.

[The Wizard]

I'm playing it safe right now. I've kept my stache use under control, limited myself to just gristle and the beginnings of a goatee. I might even get a tiny stache, just a tiny one, just to know what if feels like. Nothing wrong with that right?

It's not like I won't be able to handle it. I'm sixteen, I'm tough, I can handle a little stache without going crazy. Definitely. Why are you looking at me like that? I'm not shaking! I'm not! I'm just a little bit, uh, anxious. I'm okay, don't worry. You know what? I'm going to go into the bathroom and uh...take my temperature. Yeah. Might be suffering a cold. It's that season.

What? No! I'm not going to look at my facial hair! Not going to stare raptly at the fine silken fuzz only a couple weeks from being a full grown devil goatee. Definitely not. Don't...don't get between and the door. Please? I need to take my...temperature. Really. Get out of my way, I need it.

I SAID GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY! Oh...shit. Uh...are you alright? Cram? Cram? Oh, your bleeding a bit there. Let me just take my temperature, and I'll go call some help. Ya, just don't move. I'll be right back.

[NotPublished]

The team in the R&D labs have discovered some disturbing intel.

Did you know that crimes commited were 80% more likely to be peformed by those who are WEARING a Stache? Also Stache related deaths have jumped up in the past 10 years by 458%

You never know when it can happen to you .. You might find your Stache enjoys tormenting its host, and those that the host loves in strange and cruel ways. Staches have been known to infect others VIA rashs and the "Prickle Effect" as our Doctor Cramulus has stated, it only takes a small infection before it begins to spread.

The team from the R&D Labs kindly ask that you shave, or brutal force will be ensured.

Locate your nearest Medical Centre for treatment.

We thank you very much for heading this warning.

As a reminder - this is what happens on Stache overdose. Ask yourself - Do YOU want to be one of these people?

[Salty]

This may be the wrong place to ask this...but..

Do any of you know where I can score some stache?

I've been trying to get in on some of that action because, man, it's just so fucking COOL.
I've been looking around for years now and just can't seem to get my hands on any. Or at least, it never seems like what I do get is not enough for the full effect.

I feel all lame inside and shit.

[Remington]

An old bit of Canadian political humour I wrote in 2008, exposing the insidious danger of STACHE:

Jack Layton's Mustache: A Threat to National Security
By [Remington]
December 6th, 2008

It's an exciting time to be a Canadian. Why, you ask? Well, for the benefit of those who've had their head under a rock for the last couple months (and for the Americans too), I'll explain. The last few weeks have seen a delightful amount of underhanded politics from the wonderful little building we call Parliament. It started about a month ago, when the new Conservative government introduced a financial budget that was somewhat vague on plans for stimulating the economy to help us through the economic recession. The Opposition didn't like that too much, and the three opposition parties formed into a coalition and announced their intention to bring down the Conservative government. Fine, that's their thing. They're the Opposition, they're supposed to oppose.

But here's where things get hairy. Along with the announcement to bring down the government, the "Coalition" announced their intention to take over as the government after the Conservatives fall. Without an election.

The question that immediately sprung to everyone's mind when they heard this was: Can they do that? And the answer is not reassuring: Nobody's really sure. In nearly 140 years of Canadian politics, no-one's ever tried a stunt like this before.

The imminent collapse of the Conservative government was postponed due to the shutdown of Parliament by the Governor General, so we've all got six or seven weeks to stew about it until Parliament resumes in January. That means writing letters to our MPs (politely), arguing amongst ourselves (somewhat less politely), and getting into flamewars on online political forums (not at all politely). But I can't help but think we're ignoring one of the most important potential outcomes of this whole issue.

If this coalition government goes ahead, then we will have three leaders: Stephane Dion, Jack Layton, and Gilles Duceppe.



Notice something? Look closer.
   
Still don't see it? Well, then I'll have to show you.

Three of the most influential dictators of the 20th Century:



Here we have three famous rulers: Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, and Saddam Hussein. They have many things in common. Both Hitler and Hussein overthrew the democratically elected governments of their time, and all three established themselves as dictators.

However, these three men have something else in common, something they share with NDP leader Jack Layton. What is it?

A mustache.

True, Hitler's mustache looked like he had glued a piece of carpet to his upper lip, but it was a mustache nonetheless.

If history has taught us anything, it's that mustachioed men are not to be trusted with power. I'm sure Jack Layton has the best of intentions, but the power of the mustache is insidious. Perhaps it's the way the mustache tickles their nose when they talk. It might be the elegant and sophisticated look the mustache adds to their face. Maybe it's the feeling of pride they get when lesser, non-mustachioed men gaze in wonder upon the splendor of their upper lip. Whatever it is, there's something about a mustache that causes a man to set himself up as a dictator and rule over his country with an iron fist.

So when the time comes and January rolls around, protest. Say no to a coalition government. Not because of the economy or the ideology, but because of the mustache. Don't let the power of Jack Layton's 'stache corrupt him and turn him into a crazy dictator. Because if there's anything worse than a crazy, power mad dictator, it's a crazy, power mad NDP dictator. With a mustache.

TL;DR: A STACHE'D DICTATOR ALMOST OVERTHREW CANADA in 2008. THIS SHIT IS SERIOUS.

[President Television]

Everybody loves a stache now and then. It's a cheap ride.

Maybe mustache rides are cheap where you live.

[Jenne]

I must be doin' it wrong...I been waxing my 'stache since '95

[NotPublished]

I must be doin' it wrong...I been waxing my 'stache since '95

Madame, you're doing this nation a great service.

[NotPublished]

Dr Remington, there is a search warrant for you. You've been declared as a Stache-Abuser suspect. We ask you kindly to walk out with your hands in the air as the we search your living accomodations for further evidence. If you fail to comply brutal force will be ensured.

Thank you very much.

[Remington]

                                          Just try it.
                                             /

                                                     \
                                         I fucking dare you.

[NotPublished]

Dear Remington,

We have taken the liberty of removing your Stache on your behalf. We hope you may enjoy your new Stacheless face. You will find that in 10 - 12 days your new Model will remain smooth.

The Stache put up a big fight, so we had to graft missing Skin from your upper lip.

Please leave feedback on our service, as we aim to please.

If there are any complaints or sudden death related illnesses please contact our Hotline at 127.0.0.1.

We thank you for your cooperation.

Annoynmous,
we were never here.

[Eater of Clowns]

Look, I don't know why people are all up on the 'stache as if it's a problem all of a sudden.  I didn't do the 'stache for a long time.  I mean, my dad's been on the 'stache for 30 years or more, that's what I grew up with and sure, he seemed fine but it's not what I wanted from my life.  But I tried it, you know, like how everyone tries it - I got lazy for a while, maybe depressed and I didn't shave for a bit and bam!  there was the 'stache.  And to be honest, it changed my life.

It's a total mind expanding experience the 'stache - it makes you think of things that never would have come to you without it.  Your horizons are broadened right from the go.  And some say it's a never ending cycle -that you just want more and more 'stache.  And it's true, I want nothing but more 'stache but what's wrong with that, I ask you?

It's something I enjoy, it's something I do, and I honestly feel bad for the people who are too closed minded to give the 'stache a try.

[Triple Zero]

FUCK MAN I KNOW YOU MAN

DUDE

YOU KEEP US FROM THE TRUTH I KNOW MAN

I SAW IT ON STACHE

FUCK

STACHE WILL GIVE US THE ANSWER MAN

TO ENLIGHTEN THE MULTIVERSE




THE MULTIVERSE MAN

MANKIND HAS BEEN REPRESSED

THE NEW AGE OF LIGHT AND TECHNOLOGY IS JUST BEYOND THE BRINK OF THE REVOLUTION

THE REVOLUTION

THE REVOLUTION OF THE STACHE

THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE EPILATED




YOU




YOU


"PROFESSOR" CRAMULUS





PROFESSOR "CRAMULUS" (IF THAT IS YOUR REAL TITLE)




"PROFESSOR CRAMULUS"



ARE A


REPTILE MUSTACHE NAZI

[NotPublished]

This may be the wrong place to ask this...but..

Do any of you know where I can score some stache?

I've been trying to get in on some of that action because, man, it's just so fucking COOL.
I've been looking around for years now and just can't seem to get my hands on any. Or at least, it never seems like what I do get is not enough for the full effect.

I feel all lame inside and shit.

Dear Concerned User,

We may shed some light on this FAQ. The team at the R&D Lab have been passing around a genetically mutated Gene for some time now which inhibits Stache growth - statistics show that atleast 75% of the worlds population has this gene - exponentially growing with each generation.

Due to recent revelations, we now accept users to send in application forms to the ASC - if they wish to obtain a licence to grow a Stache. Successful applications will recieve a licence and instructions on how to activate the Stache gene in a controlled environment, as we have successfully removed the protein strain that causes Criminal and unhealthy thoughts. A application form will be fowarded upon completion.

We thank you for your concern

Annoymnous,
we were never here.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

I can't quite put my finger on it, but this thread has a bad 'stachemousphere.