ITT BAD jokes.

[NotPublished]

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

[Rococo Modem Basilisk]

Q:      What is purple and concord the world?
A:      Alexander the Grape.

Q:      What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
A:      A doberman.

Q:      What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
A:      The Titanic had a band.

Q:      How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:      Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
        itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
        reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
        maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q:      How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:      Two.  One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
        done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

Q:      What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A:      One less drunk.


Q:      What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A:      "The elephants are coming over the hill."

Q:      What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
                sunglasses?
A:      Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.


Q:      Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:      He was giving it last rites.

Q:      Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:      To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

Q:      How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:      One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
        to the earlier joke.

Q:      Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A:      To get to the other slide.

Q:      How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:      One and a half.

Q:      How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A:      Take away his credit cards.

Q:      How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:      I'll have to get back to you on that.

Q:      What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
A:      In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
        like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
        "and some cigarettes."

Q:      How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
A:      Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
        speech, but under the United States constitution they are
        guaranteed freedom after speech.

Q:      Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A:      You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
        gets all the credit.

Q:      What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A:      Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
        are removable!

Q:      An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
        very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A:      Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q:      What is a compact city?
A:      It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
        policemen!

Q:      How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
A:      Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.

Q:      What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
A:      Six sick Sikhs (sic).

Q:      How many college football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:      Only one, but he gets three credits for it.

Q:      What's buried in Grant's tomb?
A:      A corpse.

Q:      What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A:      You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!


Q:      How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:      Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
        The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following.  The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable.  Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation.  Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.

[Rococo Modem Basilisk]

Q:      What is the difference between a duck?
A:      One leg is both the same.

Q:      What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
A:      The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Q:      What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
A:      The same middle name.

Q:      How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:      None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Q:      How do you play religious roulette?
A:      You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
        struck by lightning first.

Q:      What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
A:      Chewing gum.

Q:      Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
        function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A:      That's the Law of Spline Demand.

[Iason Ouabache]

Q: What do you call a half-dozen lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.

[the last yatto]

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Nonconformist

[Jasper]

I'm a social drinker.  When someone says "I'll have a drink", I say "Social I!"

HA!  HAHA!

/Peewee laugh

[Rococo Modem Basilisk]

A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender.  One
evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
the back door.  Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base.  This proved too
much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
   Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
after the last customers had gone.  Approaching the back door he was startled
to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
   Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't.  You know
the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."

[Dimocritus]

What's the difference between a bag of heroin and a four-year old?

Clapton wouldn't let a bag of heroin fall out the window.

[Doktor Howl]

What's the difference between a bag of heroin and a four-year old?

Clapton wouldn't let a bag of heroin fall out the window.

[cavehamster]

A guy goes to a bar.  The place is empty except for the bartender, so he sits at the end of the bar and orders a beer.  He takes a drink, and hears a little voice say, 'Man, nice shirt'.  Looks around, no one there.  Takes another drink, and the voice says, 'Wow, where did you get those shoes??'.  He still can't find the voice.  He takes another drink and the voice calls out, 'Like your pants!'  He calls the bartender over and asks where the voice is coming from.

"What is the voice saying, sir?" asks the bartender.

"It told me it liked my pants and shoes," the guy responds.

"Oh, that's just the nuts, sir.  They are complimentary!"

[Dimocritus]

What's the difference between a bag of heroin and a four-year old?

Clapton wouldn't let a bag of heroin fall out the window.

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

What do monkeys and chainsaws have in common?

They both fuck up trees.

That FYI is the only joke I can remember if prompted to tell a joke.

[cavehamster]

A guy goes to the store, picks up a bottle of milk, a loaf of bread, and a bag of potato chips.  Goes to checkout, and the clerk remarks, "I can tell you are single."

The guy says, "How can you tell I am single from what I am buying?"

And the clerk says, "Because you are ugly"

[E.O.T.]

ENKI

          o.m.g. (!)

[LMNO]

What's the difference between jam and jelly?






































You can't "jelly" a dick into your girlfriend's ass.