Spirit Dances of the Greater Tucson Area

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Here in Tucson, we take our rain dances seriously.  Sometimes we can't get anyone to rain dance, as the penalty for failure is often fairly grim...So, instead, we merely grab the nearest person and drop a handfull of fire ants down the front of his or her pants.  It's ugly and unfair, but what can we do?  It's Tucson, and the forms must be observed.

We have our own ghost dance, too.  It involves me and the Dirty Boys from Grant Road dancing naked in public.  Unlike the traditional ghost dance, this isn't to make the White man leave...It's to make everyone leave, and to ensure that nobody else comes here, ever again.  The citizenry scream and holler, threatening to call the police or an exorcist or whatever...But we have the Fighting Jesus on our side, so we never let them stop us.

Then we have St Vital's Dance (not to be confused with St Vitus' dance), which is performed when someone eats the wrong cactus and has to be subdued.  Note that the person in question isn't dancing...Everyone else is, with their arms around the next guy's shoulder, as we dance on the person's vitals.  It isn't pretty, but we often have no other option.

Then there's the August Dance, where you walk out at 6AM to get the paper with no shoes on, and you wind up trying to remain in contact with the ground as little as possible.  This is closely related to the bathroom sink dance, when you turn on the cold water and it isn't cold.  No.  It's about 120F, and you weren't ready for it.

Then there's MY dance.  This is done when I eat the RIGHT kind of cactus, and begin communing with dead uncles and Navajo gods that hate Whitey, but are very short-sighted and fooled by a cheesy imitation accent.  It drives the neighbors crazy, them with their "morals" and their "decency standards", but guess what?  It's MY back yard, and I can do as I please.  If you don't like it, don't look.  The cops will do nothing if you call, because the mayor attends half of my parties, and besides, this is a RELIGION thing, not just some middle-aged dope fiend running around naked (apparently, a stetson and engineer boots don't count as "clothing").  Fuck you.

Lastly, there's the dance we do to bring back The Dark Empress.  This one makes even ME nervous, and we don't ever, ever ask what's in the stew afterward.  We don't want to know.  Would you?  No, of course not.  Just shut up and take a bowl like everyone else.  And try not to get anything on your shirt...And if you DO, cold water and lots of it.  Best thing.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Your culture is a rich and fascinating one. I will have to dispatch an anthropological team at some point.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Your culture is a rich and fascinating one. I will have to dispatch an anthropological team at some point.

Steel codpieces.  Or we can't be held responsible.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Your culture is a rich and fascinating one. I will have to dispatch an anthropological team at some point.

Steel codpieces.  Or we can't be held responsible.

[LMNO]

Dances of Horror, dances of Mirth
Dances that cost far much more than they're worth.

Movements of laughter, motions of rage
Dance to Arpaio, dance to LePage.

The Conga, the Foxtrot, the Bug, and the Twist
Watch as your name gets put on the list.

Dance for the future, dance for the past
But dancing for the present simply won't last.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Dances of Horror, dances of Mirth
Dances that cost far much more than they're worth.

Movements of laughter, motions of rage
Dance to Arpaio, dance to LePage.

The Conga, the Foxtrot, the Bug, and the Twist
Watch as your name gets put on the list.

Dance for the future, dance for the past
But dancing for the present simply won't last.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Maybe someday I can do an ethnography of Tucson.

Do we know any grant-writers?

[Luna]

Your culture is a rich and fascinating one. I will have to dispatch an anthropological team at some point.

Steel codpieces.  Or we can't be held responsible.

How'd you know I started fencing again this week? 

_{(Sorry, Richter.  First shot thrown, no shit.)}

[Richter]

Your culture is a rich and fascinating one. I will have to dispatch an anthropological team at some point.

Steel codpieces.  Or we can't be held responsible.

http://www.jamesthejust.com/Misc.htm

Bottom of the page.  No shit.

[Richter]

Your culture is a rich and fascinating one. I will have to dispatch an anthropological team at some point.

Steel codpieces.  Or we can't be held responsible.

How'd you know I started fencing again this week? 

_{(Sorry, Richter.  First shot thrown, no shit.)}

Luna was the subject of a post-Wagnerian opera, "Der Ballschlager".  I comissioned General Stuart to write the score for it.  I can blame only my incessant 3 AM demands threatening various things I could do with my meat grinder, and other aggressive producing for his retreat.

[Luna]

Your culture is a rich and fascinating one. I will have to dispatch an anthropological team at some point.

Steel codpieces.  Or we can't be held responsible.

How'd you know I started fencing again this week? 

_{(Sorry, Richter.  First shot thrown, no shit.)}

Luna was the subject of a post-Wagnerian opera, "Der Ballschlager".  I comissioned General Stuart to write the score for it.  I can blame only my incessant 3 AM demands threatening various things I could do with my meat grinder, and other aggressive producing for his retreat.

I may have to hunt him down to get that score...   This should be produced.

[Luna]

If y'all could lay off the rain dance for the next few days...  Pixie?  Maybe change your aim?

My Halloween is fixin' to get FUBAR'd due to hurricane-related rain, and I am gonna be bitchy about it.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Your culture is a rich and fascinating one. I will have to dispatch an anthropological team at some point.

Steel codpieces.  Or we can't be held responsible.

http://www.jamesthejust.com/Misc.htm

Bottom of the page.  No shit.

Will have to purchase before visiting Tucson.

Or maybe this would be more appropriate for the desert:

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Our Comanche cactus god tolerates me, not because I can fool him with a fake accent, but because he's all LMFAO watching me trip. He kind of pities me too. I feel like one of those cats that slams into a wall chasing a laser pointer.