My Novel

[The Wizard]

For the last year or so I've been working on a novel. I've got about three chapters written so far, mainly because I'm trying to balance this with school and other things, and I could use some critiques. I'd appreciate any reviews.

The story is set in a world controlled by manifest deities, who have built an empire around themselves and which they rule ruthlessly. My main character, Lesith, is an engineer who has invented this world's equivalent of a gun. After his invention proves capable of hurting the gods, they kill his family and try to kill him. This causes Lesith to go on an assassination spree, using his gun-thing to assassinate the upper ranks of the empire, as well as the gods themselves. I'm going to start with the first half of the first chapter, and depending on how many replies I get, I'll post the rest. Oh, and sorry for the length. I thought that half of the chapter wouldn't seem so long.

Chapter One

         Dorntahlm, Chosen city of the Gods, the heart of their empire, the center of the world. Lesith was proud to live there. In his life he'd had opportunity to liven in the other major temple-cities. He'd spent his adolescence in Kallijtahlm, serving out his military service in the walking fortress, and had spent his first years of marriage in Yellnris. But Lesith had been born in Dorntahlm, and the city was still the place he most comfortable. The sound of the Low as they wandered through the filthy and decaying streets beneath him, the heady smell of Runecraft that permeated everything, it was all precious to him.

        Lesith put a window in his workshop just so that he could experience the city while he worked. He considered it one of his more inspired ideas. Dorntahlm set his mind alight with ideas. It was one of the factors in his success.

        Lesith was an up and coming member of the Runer's Guild. The Guild was one of the cornerstones of the Empire, and was by far the most powerful of all the Craft guilds. The Guild created the runes that were integral to Imperial life. Runes of cooling that kept food fresh and drink refreshing, runes of warding that protected the hearths of the High, it was all crafted and maintained by the Guild. Lesith was an engineer, an inventor of rune-based devices. It was work that came naturally to him. He had a unique ability to come up with startling concepts for inventions, and then successfully bringing them into existence. Lesith knew that his abilities would get him to high places in the Guild, and would secure for his family the lifestyle he craved.

        Lesith had never known his parents, like so many children born to Low parents. His earliest memories were of the Guild-run orphanage in which he was raised. The workers there claimed that he had been dropped off by some Guardsmen, which led Lesith to assume his parents had been killed in a culling, a conclusion which was met with surprisingly little sadness. He had just never really felt much of a connection to his sires. His role models were the high-ranking Runer's who lectured occasionally at the orphanage. He was enthralled with the little rune-toys they gave the children, and he was further impressed by their self-possession and apparent inner strength. He was inducted into the guild at the age of six, as an assistant to a Guild blacksmith. Lesith was quickly singled out for his creative mind and talent for practical engineering.

        After completing his time as an assistant, Lesith was sent to Kallijtahlm to serve out his mandatory military service. He was fourteen at the time, and was given a job as a weapon smith. This was also the time where he was first taught how to create runes. It was tough work, balancing his military workload with his studies, but Lesith continued to prove himself a prodigy in the Guild's craft. At the age of twenty he was taken out of the forges and brought to the Guild's Academy in Mmrithka. There, his tutelage in the art of rune crafting was expanded upon. It was during this time that the Guild arranged a marriage for him. He was to marry the daughter of a powerful merchant from the northern provinces. Her name was Rala.

        Lesith smiled, the thought of his wife and the mother of his children making the whole world seem brighter. He was sitting at his worktable, schematics and rune designs strewn around him. The messy, yet strangely organized mass of papers helped him think. He was at home, in the small home that the Guild gave Rala and he as a wedding present. It was a typical dwelling for a young Guild craftsman. Like all homes of the High, is was built into one of the network of towers that kept them adequately shielded from the filthy streets below. Their home was comprised of two bedrooms, two washrooms, a kitchen, and a spacious living area. They were lucky in that they had easy access to the bathing chamber below, as well as a terrific view of the city. The Guild had even been so kind as to include a workroom so that he could work at home.

       The smile widened, not because of his family, but because of the object in front of him. The device was long and compact. It was made up of two parts; a wooden stock and a long metal tube. The stock was made of strong oak wood, and fit snugly in the shoulder of whoever held it. The metal tube was made from the finest steel and was covered with runes, six on opposite sides of it. The runes were etched in gold and diamond dust glittered in them.

        He called it the Cannit, after his youngest daughter. It was Lesith's masterpiece, the key to his future. It would secure for him a position in the highest reaches of the guild, with better funding and more freedom to work than he could imagine. It would also secure for his family the lifestyle he craved for them. His daughters would go to the finest schools in the Empire, would be wed to men of influence, would have access to everything and anything they could want or need. He just needed to wow the God-King and the others at the Exhibition tomorrow.

        In preparation for the Exhibition he had made two Cannits. One was a generic model, made from common materials and marked with simpler, less powerful ruins. It would be the model he would try and sell to the God-King, as it was easy to replicate yet still a deadly weapon. The one that lay before him was a gift to the God-King Dorn, and was made from the finest materials and given the most powerful runes he could craft.

   The runes were the key to the device. A rune is simply a symbol that has been imbued with power to perform a function. The language that was used for runes, M'harvid, was unique in two respects. One, it was made up entirely of verbs and adjectives, and two; it was capable of relaying an entire paragraph into one symbol. It was all in the details.

   For example, the runes that marked the sides of the Cannit were runes of Motion. A rune of motion was simply a circle with a smaller circle in its center. But a basic rune of Motion doesn't do anything, as its energy isn't being directed. So, it needs details add on to it, to tell it whether to rotate or to move straight forward. For the Cannit, the runes had to direct the lead bearing inside down the barrel at high speeds. A pair of horizontal lines through the center of the circle is added, which will direct the rune's energies through tube. Next, two wing-shaped lines are added to the sides, so that the runes will only affect something put inside the Cannit, rather than the Cannit itself. Finally, there was the activator, represented by a single vertical line through the rune. This would make sure that the Cannit would only fire when the trigger is pulled.

   But what made each rune so powerful were its components. Each rune was etched into the Cannit's barrel in gold. The more precious the metal used to make the rune, the more powerful. For even more potency, Lesith had sprinkled diamond dust into the runes.

   The Cannit was beautiful, a worthy offering of war to the gods. It could bring down the remaining holdouts to the God King's Empire, shredding apart enemy soldiers, with the pull of a trigger. The thought of his invention being the key to spreading the God King's rule across the world, made his flesh tingle with excitement. Why he could-

   "I hope it is not improper of me to ask," Said the woman standing in his doorway, her velvet voice heavy with sarcasm, "but when in Mirandith's name are you coming to bed?"

[Enrico Salazar]

Are you plan to sell this novel some day?

[Doktor Howl]

James,

You might consider using pronouns for the protagonist, once in a while.  Just a suggestion.

[The Wizard]

Are you plan to sell this novel some day?

Ya, but that's a while from now, and I'm only going to put in these couple chapters. Outside of family, it's hard to get anyone to read it.

You might consider using pronouns for the protagonist, once in a while.  Just a suggestion.

Suggestion noted, though I did use plenty of pronouns.

[Doktor Howl]

Are you plan to sell this novel some day?

Ya, but that's a while from now, and I'm only going to put in these couple chapters. Outside of family, it's hard to get anyone to read it.

You might consider using pronouns for the protagonist, once in a while.  Just a suggestion.

Suggestion noted, though I did use plenty of pronouns.

A trick I use is to use the search and replace function in word to bold out characters' names, to see how often they pop up.  That lets you read it as if someone else had written it, if you catch my drift.

[The Wizard]

Hmm, that's a good idea. I'll try that. Thanks, Dok.

[Doktor Howl]

Are you plan to sell this novel some day?

Ya, but that's a while from now, and I'm only going to put in these couple chapters. Outside of family, it's hard to get anyone to read it.

Join a local writers' group.

Make sure you wear your thick skin, though.  These groups aren't there to make you feel good, they're there to help each other create a salable product.

[The Wizard]

There isn't one around here, and the online ones I've tried don't read it. Also, tried the find and replace thing you suggested, and you're right, I did say his name a lot.

[Doktor Howl]

There isn't one around here, and the online ones I've tried don't read it. Also, tried the find and replace thing you suggested, and you're right, I did say his name a lot.

1.  Betcha there is.  Give me a nearby town, and I'll go digging.

2.  This is why it's good to have a group that will read it critically.

[The Wizard]

1.  Betcha there is.  Give me a nearby town, and I'll go digging.

Correction: there probably is a writing group in the area, but until I get my license and some extra free time, I'm unable to go to them. In the town itself, most writing is limited to Legend of Zelda or Kingdom Hearts fanfiction.

2.  This is why it's good to have a group that will read it critically.

Aye. I've been looking for people to do just that.

[Doktor Howl]

1.  Betcha there is.  Give me a nearby town, and I'll go digging.

Correction: there probably is a writing group in the area, but until I get my license and some extra free time, I'm unable to go to them. In the town itself, most writing is limited to Legend of Zelda or Kingdom Hearts fanfiction.

2.  This is why it's good to have a group that will read it critically.

Aye. I've been looking for people to do just that.

You'd be surprised.  PM me the name of the town, and I'll find you something serious.

[The Wizard]

You'd be surprised.  PM me the name of the town, and I'll find you something serious.

There you go.

[Cain]

Additionally, there are always writing forums you can consider visiting.  Most places operate on the rule of "review mine and I'll review yours".  Some places can be a little...excessive in their standards, but if you can find a good community, they will almost certainly be willing to help.

Edit: I'll also do a review myself, but it might take some time, since I'm about to go to work, and I have lots of forms to fill in this afternoon.

[A.N. Other]

Well, I have to say, as an aspiring novelist myself, I'm jealous as all hell. It's a great concept for a story and, if I wasn't in a rush, I would have read it more in-depth, but from what I've read so far, it's a wonderful start. I'll give it a full read when I've got the time.

[The Wizard]

Additionally, there are always writing forums you can consider visiting.  Most places operate on the rule of "review mine and I'll review yours".  Some places can be a little...excessive in their standards, but if you can find a good community, they will almost certainly be willing to help.

I'll try again, but I seem to have bad luck with them.

Well, I have to say, as an aspiring novelist myself, I'm jealous as all hell. It's a great concept for a story and, if I wasn't in a rush, I would have read it more in-depth, but from what I've read so far, it's a wonderful start. I'll give it a full read when I've got the time.

Thanks. I'd really appreciate that.