My Novel

[Eater of Clowns]

So I think what I took out of it was there was so much information at once.  It reads almost like a blurb on a dust jacket - go for description.  It'll immerse the reader to paint a clear picture of your protagonist.  So his city is beautiful - beautiful how, is it ornate woodwork or polished stone, a natural beauty, a militaristic beauty, etc.  Kallijtahlm should be removed from the first paragraph - you mention the place and the military service soon after and it muddies up the opening.

He's in his shop, it's cluttered, which tells us something.  Can he find his way around the clutter or does he lose things in it?  The shop has a window to inspire him - what does it look over and why does that inspire him?  Is it people doing regular things, people in a special circumstance, not people at all, etc.  You seem to have a clear picture of the world and should work to get others to see that.

Just keep the pace steady, you don't want to rush all this information in the beginning to find out you need filler later.  Suspense is very beneficial in fantasy settings.

That said, the premise of someone inventing this weapon is a promising one for a fantasy setting.  I know it's only the first chapter, so obviously you can't go into it now, but right now his motivation is security for his family.  Is he aware of the repercussions of a revolutionary killing machine.  Does he want such a thing tied to his name, like uh...that guy who invented dynamite as a mining tool.

I hope this helps, and feel free to just strike this down and say "all that is addressed later."

[The Wizard]

So I think what I took out of it was there was so much information at once.  It reads almost like a blurb on a dust jacket - go for description.

You might be right, but I think that the mention of Kallijtahlm was appropriate, as it served as an opportunity to show that Lesith had seen the world to a certain extent, but still preferred his home town. Kallijtahlm's mention was more about Lesith's affection for Dorntahlm than Kallijtahlm itself.

I think you are definitely right about needing more description though. I was worried about having too much color and not enough substance when I first wrote this, and maybe I ended up getting the balance wrong.

And as for the last thing about being aware of the repercussions, well...that's going to be addressed later.

But thanks for the review, and I will take everything you said, even what I didn't agree with, into account when I do revisions.

[Cain]

Still haven't forgotten I promised to review, I'm just a little caught out at the moment (two job application forms, one other form, keeping a far too large house tidy etc).  I will do it, I'm just...busy.  Also, what sort of problems do you have at writing sites? 

[The Wizard]

Whenever you have the time is great. I've tried before with writing sites, the last was about a year ago, and I just couldn't get many reviews. I would review other peoples, but not many people bothered to respond to mine. Any sites you could suggest?

[Cain]

You might want to try the Writer's Block at TV Tropes http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/conversations.php?topic=000000000000000000000295  In my experience, their advice is constructive and freely given.  It wont hurt to do a few critiques and get yourself generally known first, however.

[The Wizard]

Fair enough. I'll try them. Thanks.