Concerning single parenting and the matter of garbage

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I don't know if this is a problem which also exists in paired parenting but is simply more manageable, if perhaps it simply seems to be linked to single parenting due to greater pressures of time management and general upkeep, but something I have noticed as a single parent is that people want to give me their garbage. In fact, they press it on me, or even introduce it to my house without asking.

I am talking about the cheap, the tacky, the cast-off kitchenware and decor and toys, the thrifty toys made out of cardboard and plastic, the used stuffed animals.

Yes, used stuffed animals. Yes, it as as gross as it sounds. No, we don't want them. Like nearly all children of this era, we have stuffed animals coming out of our ears, and we don't want any more germ-ridden plush disease reservoirs. Sure, if you bring them over and proffer them in front of my children, THEY will think they want them. But they don't. You know why? Because as soon as they aren't looking I will take them to Goodwill and my kids will NEVER NOTICE.

Then there is the ticky-tacky, the crap toys. Listen. Just because I am a single mom, it does not mean my kids will appreciate every piece of crap you harvested from the bottom of your kids's closet. Be honest; there is a reason you're getting rid of it, and we don't want it crapping up our house any more than you do. All it will do is get shoved under the chest-of-drawers to act as a dog-hair collector until I do a full-scale purge and send that junk to the landfill.

Which I wish I could do with the dog as well. (Speaking of which, no, we don't want any more pets! If you offer my kids a gerbil I will STAB YOU IN THE EYE.)

There are also the "look kids, you can be thrifty and make toys out of garbage!" toys. Listen; just don't do that. It's not thrifty, it's GARBAGE. Do NOT bring it to my house. We're not living in the Great Depression in a boxcar by the side of the highway. We have toys and art supplies and library cards and the Internet. Please, please do not bring your garbage to my house and show my kids how to make garbage toys out of it.

Lastly, the household stuff you want to give to me. No. Please. I realize you think it is an act of charity, but my kitchen has everything I could possibly want it to have and I don't want your old casserole dishes or the freak appliance your aunt sent you or that set of nesting bowls. If I take those, I'll have to get rid of something I bought for myself on purpose because I liked it, and what's far more likely is that I'll politely accept your crap that you don't want and take it to Goodwill later. Along with a bunch of crap that I need to get rid of but am, if you will please notice, not pawning off on you.

I don't need any more lamps, doilies, throw pillows, endtables, or other miscellaneous things you found by the side of the road and thought I could use. I am not fresh out of college with an empty apartment; I've been a homeowner for 12 years, and I have WAY more stuff than I need or want. If you leave that endtable on my front porch without asking I am going to clean out my basement and leave everything on your porch, OK? Including all the crap my ex-husband left here because he couldn't be bothered to move it. I think there's an endtable down there.

I realize that it is a nice things friends do for each other, to offer their friends first crack at whatever stuff you're getting rid of. I appreciate the offer on that level, and yeah, sometimes it's going to so happen that my spatula broke and I need a new one just when you're clearing out your kitchen drawers. So, thank you.

Just please don't assume I want anything, and accept "no thanks" for an answer, because I'm not being proud or polite, it's just that if you don't want that box of crap, odds are I don't either.

[Muir]

THIS 100 times, THIS!!  I've been offered such things as a single roll of wallpaper. WHY?? You can't cover one wall with that. And why don't these people ever offer something I need? For example, the upstairs and downstairs hallways need painting. I can't do this myself, as I'm too short and am scared of ladders *shudders*. People offer me old cans of paint, but never offer to do the job for me.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I'm usually the first person people call if they need shit done, so I have no qualms about asking people to help me with stuff. They know I'll move their furniture and paint their ceiling on my one day off, if they ask me. So in turn, if I need shit done there are usually plenty of people who want to help me.

It's the CRAP. There's something very condescending about it. "You poor incompetent single parent, your children must be deprived... here's a sack of garbage". Why do they even have that crap in the first place? Did they buy it? If they don't want it, why do they think we want it? Especially the toys. Oh fucking hell, the toys.

[Jasper]

Odd how much I've learned about parenthood by reading these forums. 

I should really compile some notes sometime.

[E.O.T.]

SO

          you don't want my broken Transformers?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

SO

          you don't want my broken Transformers?

I WILL kill a motherfucker! 

[Jenne]

That DOES sound terribly annoying.  I have a friend who is constantly cleaning shit out of her closets and offering it to me.  I probably should tell her "look, I appreciate it, but I don't want the junky old kindergarten-teacher necklace made of fake plastic Xmas lights you wore while you taught preschool, and no, I don't know anyone else who'd like that piece of shit, either."

But since I don't get offered that sort of stuff often, I feel bad saying something.  Must be pretty bad to be offered shit all the time that you just have to get rid of again FOR the person who brought it in the first place.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

It's pretty annoying. I know that people are trying to be "nice" but I've definitely noticed that, as a single parent, I get offered shit that nobody would want. Also, the problem of people bringing my kids dollar-store presents.

You know, it's not that I'm a snob or too good for that crap. I like the dollar store as much as the next guy, and enjoy weird cheap crap from time to time. It's just that the philosophy seems to be that my kids must be deprived and in need of toys, to the point where just any made-in-China destined-for-the-landfill crap will make them as content as a Sudanese orphan with a Happy Meal. It's not only annoying, it goes against the ethic of avoiding disposable consumerism that I try to teach them. I would far rather, on birthdays and other occasions, people bring nothing at all, than garbage that I will have to throw away later. My kids don't really care; they have enough stuff. They just want people to come sing Happy Birthday and eat some cake. But I get the "you poor thing" routine and the slightly condescending "I just brought a little something for the kids" and the crap people find in their basements. My dad is the worst: he keeps finding bikes and trying to give them to the kids. How many times will it take before he actually believes that they already have bikes?

And dishes. He brings me kitchenware. I guess he hasn't noticed the stack of 20 meticulously selected floral vintage plates in my cupboard. I do not want matching blue and white "country style" dishes with quaint little farm animals painted on them. Where did those even come from, Wal-Mart? No.

[Doktor Howl]

I remember those days.

"Why, sure, I can use another broken down, threadbare couch!  Thanks so much for bringing it over without bothering to check!"

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I remember those days.

"Why, sure, I can use another broken down, threadbare couch!  Thanks so much for bringing it over without bothering to check!"

You nailed it.

[Jenne]

Suck.  I hate assuming people need your help just because you want to do something for them.  I got an idea:

BRING SOME BEER.  Or if you're wanting to be child-centered, BRING SOME POPCORN or whatever the fuck as a treat (or hell, bring some beer, it'll chill mom out, lmao).

But really, practicality, etc.  Sigh.

[Triple Zero]

Yeah that. Whenever I go to a party and I don't know what to bring, I always go for something that people will be able to use up / consume, so it doesn't clog up their closets and shelves. Like a bottle of wine, beers or box of chocolates, or expensive olive oil if they like that sort of thing.

[Elder Iptuous]

I don't think it's just mainly a single parent thing, as we also have many who view our house as a UStoreIt for their shit-that-they-don't-want-but-would-feel-bad-about-throwing-away-because-'hey, it's still usable'-and-i'd-rather-it-go-to-somebody-i-know-and-love-than-some-random-person-who-probably wouldn't-appreciate-it-anyways JUNK.

i just throw it away.
i'm keeping a general tab for the service.
i will collect someday.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Yeah that. Whenever I go to a party and I don't know what to bring, I always go for something that people will be able to use up / consume, so it doesn't clog up their closets and shelves. Like a bottle of wine, beers or box of chocolates, or expensive olive oil if they like that sort of thing.

THIS

is the correct motorcycle.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I don't think it's just mainly a single parent thing, as we also have many who view our house as a UStoreIt for their shit-that-they-don't-want-but-would-feel-bad-about-throwing-away-because-'hey, it's still usable'-and-i'd-rather-it-go-to-somebody-i-know-and-love-than-some-random-person-who-probably wouldn't-appreciate-it-anyways JUNK.

i just throw it away.
i'm keeping a general tab for the service.
i will collect someday.

Better idea: have a garage sale where everything's a quarter.

invite your friends.