Life of Nobody

[Adios]

I hated cutting through palmetto bushes. If you have ever been to Florida you know palmetto bushes can cover huge amounts of ground. Horrible things live in palmetto fields and visibility on the ground is limited to where you have cut. Snakes and bees are the worst of the things in palmetto fields with javalinas coming in a solid third.

So of course we had a huge palmetto field to cut through one day. Now when you do this you can only swing your machete twice, then you have to stop and listen to see if they keep rattling. When you cut them it sounds like a rattle snake. If you are really unlucky you can hit a bumblebee nest and the sky then turns black with pissed off bees. Big ones. Oh, and let's not forget about yellow jackets. I hate yellow jackets.

We were a couple of hundred yards in when the rattling just kept rattling. Now when this happens everybody gets real light on their feet because you just can't see the damn thing. So we isolated where it was coming from and slowly cut the palmettos away. It was the biggest snake I had ever seen. It was coiled up and rattling furiously. There is no way you can leave a live snake on you back trail because you have to come back the same way you go in. So once again we found a tree limb about 10 feet long and about 2 inches in diameter. When we poked it at the snake he struck it about a foot from the bottom and the limb was just soaked and dripping venom. We tried to pin it down with the limb but the snake was just too strong. It would twist out from under it and coil right back up.

We (me) came up with a plan. One of the guys would try to distract it with the limb and I would come up from another angle and chop it's head off. It's a good thing we weren't being graded on brains that day. I mean it almost worked like we planned it out. Except the snake was able to detect my body heat and kept turning to face me. During all of this the snake is naturally getting madder all the time. Now he is starting to bring the game to us. So now everything was really interesting. After about four unsuccessful attempts to distract the snake with the tree limb it was time to end this nonsense and quickly.

This time I timed my approach with the snake detecting me and as he swung his head to face me I was already swinging my machete. I was lucky, very lucky. My machete was 2 feet long and the snake was 6 and a half feet long. That means he had roughly a 3 foot striking distance so you can do the math.

Once again we buried the head in the sand, took a nice long break to settle our (my)  nerves and then we finished out the day without another incident.

Just another day in Florida.

[Roaring Biscuit!]

I haz idea, PM incoming.

x

[Adios]

I haz idea, PM incoming.

x

I am publicly giving RB a big thank you for an excellent idea.

[Adios]

I need another bladder treatment. Damn.

For those of you who haven't heard how this is done sit down and let me tell you a story.

First the medicine smells like canned corn left open in direct sunlight for days. It also makes me smell like that for 3 days afterward.

So the mix the cocktail. Then they shove a tube up my penis and insert a 'deadening' agent. HA. Then they remove that and shove a catheter up my penis all the way to my bladder. For those who have never had this pleasure let me tell you about the prostate gland and it's reaction to something that size going the wrong way on a one way street. It doesn't matter how big or tough you are I promise you will make little girl sounds. And the nurse then says the most intelligent thing you ever heard. "Just relax." WTF? Relax? If I could release my grip on the chair I would probably punch the nurse out.

Then they remove the catheter. At this point you would think the fun was over. OH HO. This party is just starting. See, then they put a metal clamp on the end of my penis and lock it in place. Then they set a timer for 15 minutes. That's right children, 15 minutes. At 5 minutes you start staring at the timer. At 8 minutes you can still almost make the timer out as your eyes film over. At 15 minutes you have to get up and walk, yes walk to the bathroom without allowing any leakage.

Now we are in the bathroom and one simply MUST sit for this. Everything is all stretched out and urine cannot be controlled. Then the smell rises like you just walked up on an open grave 2 weeks old full of bodies. Your eyes begin to water and you gasp for breath. Oh, and you must release the metal clamp yourself, by squeezing it together to unlock it.

Getting old sucks.

[Jasper]

I could never do that, any of it.  My god, times like these I really cherish the life of comfort I've lived.

ETA:  And at the same time I really hate it too.  What's the sense in my life being so cushy?

[Adios]

I could never do that, any of it.  My god, times like these I really cherish the life of comfort I've lived.

The other option is to scream in unabated pain for the rest of your life.

[Jasper]

Horrors... 

[Nast]

Oy vey, I'm sorry for all that awfulness that you've had to experience. 

People often don't recognize it when they're young and sprightly, but ones health really is the most important thing. It's hard to enjoy life when it consists mostly of physical discomfort and frightening body fluids!

[Adios]

I could never do that, any of it.  My god, times like these I really cherish the life of comfort I've lived.

ETA:  And at the same time I really hate it too.  What's the sense in my life being so cushy?

I wanted to think this over before I replied. I was raised to just live. It was never a conscious decision to suck the very marrow out of the bone of life, it was just something we did. Not everybody does it that way. When they feed this worn out body to the final flame there will no good working parts left. They will have been used up, the way I believe they are supposed to be.

[P3nT4gR4m]

I could never do that, any of it.  My god, times like these I really cherish the life of comfort I've lived.

ETA:  And at the same time I really hate it too.  What's the sense in my life being so cushy?

I wanted to think this over before I replied. I was raised to just live. It was never a conscious decision to suck the very marrow out of the bone of life, it was just something we did. Not everybody does it that way. When they feed this worn out body to the final flame there will no good working parts left. They will have been used up, the way I believe they are supposed to be.

We park our cars in the same garage. I fully expect my retirement to involve a wheelchair. If I can still move my hands I'm planning on writing a novel.

[Adios]

I could never do that, any of it.  My god, times like these I really cherish the life of comfort I've lived.

ETA:  And at the same time I really hate it too.  What's the sense in my life being so cushy?

I wanted to think this over before I replied. I was raised to just live. It was never a conscious decision to suck the very marrow out of the bone of life, it was just something we did. Not everybody does it that way. When they feed this worn out body to the final flame there will no good working parts left. They will have been used up, the way I believe they are supposed to be.

We park our cars in the same garage. I fully expect my retirement to involve a wheelchair. If I can still move my hands I'm planning on writing a novel.

Hence I am writing. I will transpose all of this into a novel after it is complete and I organize it.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I'm planning on being active and healthy up to the last few weeks, personally.

[BadBeast]

I always fancied getting struck by lightning, as a pretty cool way to check out. Quick, and spectacular, give people something to talk about, that's not going to diminish with the telling. Not that I'm in any hurry to go anywhere, but lightning is pretty dynamic way to go. Trees explode, because all the sap instantly turns into superheated steam, so how would a cardio-vascular system cope with steam instead of just normal blood? Or bone marrow? Probably blow you up like a bomb made from superheated fluids,  pieces of bone shrapnel, and teeth. Super speed photography from an event like that would be pretty awesome. Get loads of hits on you tube with that.

I'm sure I read that only about 20-25% of lightning strikees, are killed though. Most of them, are playing Golf, trying to get one more hole in before running for the 19th.
                                                     

 

[Adios]

Today we will have another Pancho story and talk about cutting line.

The sight line for the instrument has to be perfectly clear, not even tiny limbs can be in the line. Obviously the machete is the preferred tool for cutting line because it just works the best. Most of our cutting was small trees and brush.

Now when you are cutting small trees, especially 1 inch diameter and smaller what you are doing is cutting it on a sharp angle. This is just because we were cutting them as close to the ground as possible without having to bend over all day. So in effect we left punji sticks everywhere we went.

So on this day we were about 1000 feet down line and dog tired. Every now and then we would stop and hold a machete up so Pancho, who was the instrument man, could keep us on the correct line. It was just about time to set a marker so we could move the instrument closer to keep going. We would drive a 2 X 2 inch wooden stake in the ground then use a plumb bob to mark the exact spot on the stake and then drive a small nail in for exact position. If the distance was very long we would use a range pole for the sighting.

So we had just driven the stake in the ground when Pancho started screaming. Loud, non-stop, piercing screaming. We all took off running expecting the worst. Now remember we are running at full speed with all those punji sticks every step of the way and trip hazards everywhere. One stumble could have been fatal, but fortunately we made it back to Pancho just fine.

When we got there he was frozen in place with his arms in the air and a look of pure panic on his face. He was pale and still screaming and couldn't answer us when we asked what was wrong. We then saw a tiny green snake coiled around his ankle. A. Tiny. Green. Snake. We were pissed. I mean we all knew Pancho was terrified of snakes but we all risked out lives to get back to him. For A Tiny Green Snake.

We just kind of stood there staring at him for a while, he actually had drool coming out of his mouth and he was still screaming. I finally got tired of the noise and put my hand by the snake and it coiled around my wrist and put his head in my hand. All the snake wanted was to get off the cold ground and get warm.

Finally Pancho shut up and we tore into him for being stupid. He said some rather unpleasant things back and a fight almost broke out, but we were too tired.

I worked the rest of the day with that snake wrapped around my wrist. Every time we moved the instrument I helpfully offered to help Pancho and for some reason he kept saying no. Of course I stayed close to him when we moved the instrument. I felt it was my duty to protect him after such a fright. He kept moving away from me though.

We got back to the meeting place and the snake was still on my arm. In the van all the crews rode in to go home I kept trying to sit next to Pancho until the driver screamed we were making the van shake so much it was hard for him to keep it on the road.

It was a good day.

[BadBeast]

Today we will have another Pancho story and talk about cutting line.

The sight line for the instrument has to be perfectly clear, not even tiny limbs can be in the line. Obviously the machete is the preferred tool for cutting line because it just works the best. Most of our cutting was small trees and brush.

Now when you are cutting small trees, especially 1 inch diameter and smaller what you are doing is cutting it on a sharp angle. This is just because we were cutting them as close to the ground as possible without having to bend over all day. So in effect we left punji sticks everywhere we went.

So on this day we were about 1000 feet down line and dog tired. Every now and then we would stop and hold a machete up so Pancho, who was the instrument man, could keep us on the correct line. It was just about time to set a marker so we could move the instrument closer to keep going. We would drive a 2 X 2 inch wooden stake in the ground then use a plumb bob to mark the exact spot on the stake and then drive a small nail in for exact position. If the distance was very long we would use a range pole for the sighting.

So we had just driven the stake in the ground when Pancho started screaming. Loud, non-stop, piercing screaming. We all took off running expecting the worst. Now remember we are running at full speed with all those punji sticks every step of the way and trip hazards everywhere. One stumble could have been fatal, but fortunately we made it back to Pancho just fine.

When we got there he was frozen in place with his arms in the air and a look of pure panic on his face. He was pale and still screaming and couldn't answer us when we asked what was wrong. We then saw a tiny green snake coiled around his ankle. A. Tiny. Green. Snake. We were pissed. I mean we all knew Pancho was terrified of snakes but we all risked out lives to get back to him. For A Tiny Green Snake.

We just kind of stood there staring at him for a while, he actually had drool coming out of his mouth and he was still screaming. I finally got tired of the noise and put my hand by the snake and it coiled around my wrist and put his head in my hand. All the snake wanted was to get off the cold ground and get warm.

Finally Pancho shut up and we tore into him for being stupid. He said some rather unpleasant things back and a fight almost broke out, but we were too tired.

I worked the rest of the day with that snake wrapped around my wrist. Every time we moved the instrument I helpfully offered to help Pancho and for some reason he kept saying no. Of course I stayed close to him when we moved the instrument. I felt it was my duty to protect him after such a fright. He kept moving away from me though.

We got back to the meeting place and the snake was still on my arm. In the van all the crews rode in to go home I kept trying to sit next to Pancho until the driver screamed we were making the van shake so much it was hard for him to keep it on the road.

It was a good day.

This post has me wondering whether the events here, occured before, or after he took his .45, and put a cap in the ground between your feet?
I'm feeling real pathos for poor Pancho here, (Although I'm sure he would have taken the piss with just as much enthusiasm, had the roles been reversed)

Was it one of those little emerald green tree snakes, with a sort of upturned, snouty nose?