Life of Nobody

[Adios]

Bill H and I had been working on some exhaust fans in one of the penthouse electrical rooms and it was getting close to quitting time. We were in a good place to knock off for the day so we buttoned up and walked for the elevator.

We called Bill Wheezer because of his tendency to get hurt in even the simplest places and jobs. AS the freight elevator door opened Bill fell down, half in and half out of the elevator. I was tired and dirty and wanted to get cleaned up and go home. Since Bill was always joking around I kicked him and told him to get up, we had to go. He moaned and I kicked him again and yelled at him to quit horsing around.

He still didn't move so I really kicked him this time. When he didn't move I got to thinking he just might be really hurt. I finally decided it was real and kneeled down to find out what was wrong.

His back was out and he was in acute muscle spasms and unable to hardly even breath. I grabbed my 2 way and called the nurse. She came up and then called for flight for life to come get Bill. He missed the next 2 weeks of work because of his back.

As we were taking him out on the stretcher to the helicopter I convinced the EMS people that Bill was afraid of small spaces and heights. They asked me  Evil or Very Mad what they should do so I told them they better give him something to knock him out and good.

They gave him enough stuff to put an elephant to sleep because I had then convinced if he woke up during the ride he would tear the inside of the helicopter up. As they loaded him he was drooling and trying to focus on me and trying to say something.

I patted his hand and told him not to worry, that I had his back.

[Adios]

Al and I would always end up in  political debates. Whatever side he was on I wasn't, it wasn't personal, just fun. As we would argue Gene would always kick our chairs, "It's your turn Al, It's your turn Charley".

Gene was one of those natural storytellers. He loved to tell Jerry Clower stories, especially this one.
http://www.reflector.com/opinion/if-jerr...live-14041

One day he told this story and then we went to talking about other things. Al reached over and slapped Genes' arm and asked"Hey! What happened to that guy in the tree"? and Gene was almost speechless. Almost. He started telling Al some made up story about that guy and I just busted out laughing. Al realized he had been owned.

So Al came to me for help getting even with Gene. I guess I had some kind of reputation about pulling pranks. Or something. So I decided to get the entire crew, except Gene, involved.

We were running cables to set up a computer network for the entire building. A big part of this was using empty shafts left over from a defunct mail delivery system that never worked. These shafts ran from bottom to top and were about big enough for a man to fall down.

Al and I 'escalated' out political debates drawing Gene in. In 3 weeks we would be ready to spring the trick.

Virgil was a very solid person and his job was to just stand in the doorway to the shaft room so Gene couldn't get out. Another man was just one floor above Gene. Al and I were 4 floors up. This wasn't a big deal because we always did this after hours on overtime. The building was all but empty.

The crew all pitched in and made a full sized mannican that was wearing Als' overalls and boots. The guy one floor up from Gene had the mannican.

Al and I were arguing as usual and there was one word that would set everything in motion. We let this go on for about 30minutes and then I said the keyword. Virgil blocked and Lonnie shoved the doll down the shaft. Al screamed down the shaft and Gene looked up. The doll had hung up in the cables a little and looked very real.

Gene turned for the door and bounced off of Virgil. Gene hit Virgil again and bounced off again. Gene was a little white guy and Virgil was a very well put together black guy and they were the very best of friends. Gene later told us the third time he hit Virgil they looked like two thirds of an Oreo cookie.


Gene just knew I had thrown Al down that shaft and that Al was going to smash him. As we left the shaft room, 4 floors up the door closed behind us and we turned the corner and were getting on the elevator whrn we heard Gene saying something about sunny beaches.

When we got downstairs Virgil was laying on the floor in the hallway helpless. Lonnie was laying on him. Gene was curled up in a ball puffing on a cigarette and shaking. We were on our knees laughing by now.

Gene left the company a couple of years later to move to Arkansas and took that Dummy with him. AS far as I know he still has it.

[Juana]

  You are an evil man, Hawk.

[Adios]

Gene worked the graveyard fire watch. He had to be at work at midnight and he left home at 11:30 every night. This is not the kind of information that you really want to tell somebody like me.

But he did. I am not a strong enough person to stop myself from using this kind of vital information. So Bill H and myself sat down to discuss the best way to go about using it.

Of course we came up with a plan.

One night we drove over to Genes house and parked a block away. We crept up to his house to put the plan into motion. Bill was the lookout but he also had one other part that will be revealed later. Gene never parked his truck in the garage so it was right there in the driveway.

I managed to crawl under the truck without being seen and Bill was in hiding. Finally Gene came out of the house right on time. I love people of habit. I lay very still until Gene was unlocking his truck door.

Then without a sound I reached out and grabbed his ankle and held on for dear life. Gene did the only reasonable thing to do which was to go into a terror induced screaming dance. This went on for over a minute until he managed to break my grip. I have tears in my eyes just writing this.

Of course by now I was in hysterical uncontrolled laughter, even when Gene drug me out from under the truck cussing. He calmed down after a while and got to laughing himself. We were trying to not wake up the neighbors, although I think it was too late to worry about that.

Then Bill jumped out from behind the bush and grabbed Gene from behind. Gene did the only reasonable thing to do which was to go into a terror induced screaming dance. I am on the ground now unable to breathe with tears rolling down my cheeks while Bill is yelling something about murder in the night.

Gene eventually realized it was just part 2 of the plan and tried to settle down. He sat curled in a ball puffing on a cigarette.

About then the cops showed up. One of the neighbors had called them about someone being murdered. Bill and I hit the ground again kind of laying on each other laughing harder and louder than ever. The cop reached for his gun which made us laugh even louder.

Between puffs Gene told the cops what had happened. I swear the cops tried to keep a straight face as they told us to try and hold the noise down which of course sent us even more into laughter.

Gene was late for work that night for possibly the first time in his life.

He even told the cop we were a couple of worthless fuckers and he needed to find different friends.

We weren't quite done with Gene yet.

[Adios]

You are an evil man, Hawk.

[Adios]

So Genes' appendix burst and they had to take it out. We were all concerned about him and visited when we could.

The day after his operation Bill H. and I called him at the hospital. He was a little groggy but awake enough for us to mess with him.

We started telling stories and jokes that would make him laugh. It was funny to hear him laugh and moan at the same time while he was trying to cuss us out for making him hurt. This only made us try harder.

Well, and this was not our fault, for some reason he busted some stitches. My face was straight when I said that, wasn't it?

So anyway, Vince got a call from the hospital. For some reason Bill and I weren't allowed to call or visit Gene anymore. We just loved a challenge. We would get a woman to call and ask for Gene since his calls were all screened by the nurses' desk now. Once Gene got on the phone we would start over again.

We never were able to make him bust any more stitches no matter how hard we tried. I think the hospital sent Gene home earlier than they normally would because they were getting fed up with Bill and I.

When it was time for my surgery I told everybody I was going on vacation.

[Adios]

Writing that last one had me laughing to tears all over again. My neighbors must think I am crazy.

[Jasper]

That's a fucking fantastic prank.  My mittens are off to you, sir.

[Adios]

Thank you. 

[BadBeast]

  Well, you got to have a bit of a laugh at work, haven't you?  Otherwise it all seems a bit too much like, erm, work?

[Adios]

Well, you got to have a bit of a laugh at work, haven't you?  Otherwise it all seems a bit too much like, erm, work?

Oh, we always got our work done. We made time to fuck with each other.

[BadBeast]

I usually got those priorities the other way way round, fucked with everyone, and sometimes got some work done. Hence my periods of unemployment. (I knew I had the right ingredients for a productive day, but they were arse backwards) 

[Adios]

Wrist rockets and pneumatic rubber plugs were an endless source of entertainment. Dan worked for Honeywell and they had the maintenance contract on the building automation equipment.

One day we were on the catwalk in the loading dock waiting for Dan. As he got out of the van we started nailing him with the plugs. They hurt pretty bad and always left red welts. Well, he grabbed his wrist rocket and the war was on. We had the advantage of the high ground and numbers and we were winning.

One of the rules was to try to never hit anyone in the head or face. For obvious reasons. We didn't want to have to try to explain the marks.

As the battle raged on Dan found a pretty good spot and was evening up the score a little. Then I saw a very bright light and then darkness.

I guess I flew back 4 feet and landed on my back out cold. My buddies yelled and told Dan and his response was to escalate fire. He sensed an advantage. So I was out, 1 guy was trying to help me, and the other was holding Dan off.

I came to a few minutes later and everything was fuzzy for a while. So happens I was hit right in the temple. I was in no shape to continue the fight so we beat a retreat into a mechanical room and ended it. For then.

We had to go to work anyway, some pneumatic equipment was on the blink and that was why Dan was there.

[Adios]

Bill H and I were called to the north end of the building. There was a noxious odor coming out of a room.

We smelled it from a ways off and took off running. We had master keys so we opened the door and went in. The anhydrous ammonia tank had burst a connector and it was spewing out. We tried to get to the tank and close the valve but we were getting overpowered. We made it back out to the hallway and radioed for them to evacuate the north end of the building, all floors.

Then we wrapped kerchiefs around our faces and went back in. This time we got it about halfway closed. WE had to leave again. I was crawling and thought Bill was right behind me but when I got to the door he wasn't there. I crawled back and he was out on the floor.

I grabbed him and started dragging him out. Finally I was in the hallway. Once I stopped puking and coughing I called the nurse to get flight for life. I also had the engineers office bring the airpak up.

Bill was still out cold and not breathing very good at all. Finally the nurse showed up and reported she had called flight for life and they were ETA of 5 minutes.

Some of the other engineers showed up with the airpak and one of them went in with it on to close the valve on the tank. They wouldn't let me go back in.

The nurse had gotten Bill somewhat awake and the EMT's showed up and got Bill on the stretcher. I was walking with them to the helicopter pad and managed to convince them that Bill was afraid of heights and small spaces.  Evil or Very Mad

So they doped him up real good and once again I told Bill not to worry, that I had his back.

Both of us ended up with permanent scars on our lungs and Bill missed a week of work. The blueprint room was moved to a safer location than just beside the cafeteria. Also an airpak was permanently attached to the wall outside the blueprint room and locked. All the engineers had keys to it.

There was never another incident with the anhydrous ammonia tank.

So the job wasn't always fun and games.

[Adios]

I had been replacing aviation lights on the helioport. I was winter and there was plenty of sand on the drive. It was about 300 feet back to the building and it was cold so I was in a hurry.

My right foot slipped on some gravel and I landed on my knee. Sure it hurt a little but I got up and continued on. As the day went on the pain kept getting worse and worse. Finally I couldn't even walk.

The nurse was called and was going to call flight for life and i nixed it because Bill was standing right there, so she settled for an ambulance. No way was I going to let Bill get them to dope me up. I was up 2 - 0 and it was going to stay that way.

Well the got me to the hospital and examined me and admitted me right away. I was trying to find out what was going on and the doctors and nurses were all jabbering and ignoring me.

A specialist was called in. I had damaged my bursa sac in my knee and a low grade infection was setting in. It was 50/50 on whether I would lose the leg.

I was in the hospital for 3 weeks and on home IV for another month. The doctor said it was all but a miracle that I hadn't lost my leg. It was 2 months before I was able to go back to work and then had another month on desk duty.

All over a silly slip.