How TO be a fat bastard

[The_Professor]

so... my mom, dad, siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles, grand parents on both sides, even my pets, are all fat bastards. I've tried every diet, every weight loss book, every new agie hipster way there is to loose weight... even surgery... and after 30 years... I am sick of trying not to be a fat bastard, and ive realized... I'm pretty damn good at being a fat bastard, hell I could maybe even make money at it.

so this guide isn't to teach you fumb bucks who don't realize to loose weight, that you just need to eat a little less and exercise a little more, its to teach you how to be great in your fattness! to revel in having a big fat ass, and glory in each button that pops off your waist and every Rubbermaid chair that collapses under your immensitude.

first off eat what you friggin well want to eat. study after study has shown when people go on diets 80% will gain all the weight back they might loose, plus a few pounds more within a couple of years... going on diet after diet just leads to even more fattiness, so don't diet, don't even try to "control your intake" don't avoid sweets and carbs, eat what you want when you want to eat it. period.

next know your role...

lets face it, there are limited numbers of stereotypes and labels for you to fill.

Of course your going to be labeled as a fat ass, but what kind of fat ass do you want to be?

the first fat ass is the most common...

The Sweet but Stupid Bungler: this is probably the most common type of fat ass. their everywhere in society and you see these on a lot of commercials "I lost another loan to gico" generally when the Representative of the wonderful product being sold arrives with his tanned and chiseled abs, this is the poor bastard representing brand X dropping paperwork, falling out of his chair, and being thoroughly disappointed in whatever it is they were trying to do successfully. the well meaning idiot who cant seem to do anything right. these also appear in many romantic comedies as the friend of one of the main characters, commonly the one with the worst ideas. every once in a while a sweet but stupid bungler will sacrifice himself to save the hero... and he still wont get laid.

The Fat Kid: can be good or bad but always gets humiliated. either their saved by the hero or they are the bullies in the kiddie film. obsessed with junk food, and farts these kids exemplify all that society hates and loves to laugh at. (goonies)

The Noble but Pathetic Heavy: big, burly, full of girth, these semi-muscular fat asses are destined to be kicked in the knee by somebody and fall down in a thud. commonly they are the dimwitted friends of the hero. (IE roadhouse) everybody wants to be this fat asses Friend but usually just because they like the idea of a huge slightly-tarded good natured moron watching their backs, and no matter how noble or nice, these guys never end up getting the hot chick.

The Evil Fat Geek: were getting a little better now, the evil fat geek is another common fat ass, this slob has avoided almost all contact with humans, so much so they have some kind of mystical relationship with computers, (ala south park WoW episode, jurrasic park, diehard 4, etc) often these guys have pretty horrible ends, but they can achieve some measure of fat greatness before the fall.

The Giant Fat Bastard: this is the classic, a big fat ugly bully who pushes everybody around. always a heavy these guys are destined to die horribly, get shot with a grenade launcher, blown up when standing next to a gasoline truck, or some other bizarre bullshit. they typically take a lot of crap and have to do a lot of ass kissing of the main villain, but they get to live in the kick ass villain lair, ride around in kick ass villain cars, and every now and then they do get a hot chick much to the disgust of the audience. many times one of these guys will get tired of being horribly treated and turn into a noble but pathetic heavy in the last scene of any movie.

The Evil Fat Man: we have arrived. lets face it, if your gonna be a fat bastard, this is the fat bastard you want to be. first off you gotta have some form of receeding hairline, and maybe an eye patch or at least a fetish for walking sticks. these are main villans, dastardly, brutal, remorsless and evil. we can only assume the mistreatment they recieved as fat kids lead to them becomming evil fat men. (cartman) they have minions, they have hot chicks, they die only in the most outlandish ways, but up until their deaths they are rich, fat, and filled with awesome. (Jabba)

if your really skilled, you can pull off any of these characters at any time, switching from evil fat man to sweet but stupid bungler in an instant, you'll find society is more than willing to let you drop into any of these roles, hell the only time people seem to be confused is when you try to do something one of these characters couldn't or wouldn't do... (like exercise, unless your the sweet but stupid bungler and your trying to get everyone to laugh at you when you go to the gym in your dolphin shorts and head band)

but for all the other fat bastards out there... maybe like me its time you stop trying to live up to somebody else's image of how much you should or shouldn't weigh and spend more time trying to live up to your own ideals and goals, and realize that even if you loose 80lbs and get ripped... you're still going to die. It's better to enjoy what time you have while ya can the best you can. sure, I smoke two packs a day, gorge myself on Pepsi, ice cream, and Cheetos, cant get up a flight of stairs without a wheeze or two, and I'll die at 55 or 60. but when I die... it will be with a smile on my face, and not with sunken bitter eyes saddened by years of always trying to be something I'm not.

besides... by all accounts obesity is the greatest fastest growing (ahem) heath hazard in the USA...

Fat people... we're winning!