ITT BAD jokes.

[cavehamster]

(Just to prove that I'm not a humorless joke ruiner, though, I laughed at the Lady Gaga joke)

YES. I MADE SOMEONE LAUGH.

My life is complete!

Oh man, I haven't checked this thread in weeks, and then find that little gem in here... I'm thankful I was not drinking anything, thanks for the laugh

[Nast]

One of my favorite jokes is to yell "I want Samoa dat!" when anyone mentions the island nation. Regardless of context.

[LaughingOtter]

So there's this stage magician who does kid's parties for a side job. He's on his way to a gig, and gets pulled over by a police cruiser for speeding. The magician tells the officer that he was running late for a gig. The officer checks him out on the computer and returns.
"Well, you're clear. But I'll tell you what, I like magic, so if you can do some magic for me I'll let you off with a warning."
"Oh, man. I sent all my equipment ahead with my partner."
"Hmm. Have anything in the trunk?"
"Well, let's see."
No magic stuff was in the trunk.
"Well, can you juggle?"
"Oh, sure!", and pretty soon the magician is juggling a road flare, a wrench, a tire iron, a hubcap, and a squeegee.
While this is going on, a drunk is passing by. He watches the magician for a few seconds, shakes his head, and gets into the back of the police car. The officer had seen this and went over to the car.
"Hey, pal, what's the matter?"
"You might as well take my drunk ass to jail, 'cause there ain't no way I'm gonna pass THAT test!"

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Here we go...
Stop me if you've heard these ones:

Q: How many fruitflies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 2. But you wonder how they got in there.

Q: How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 21. One to hold the light bulb, the other 20 to drink until the room spins.

Q: How do you slow down a death metal guitarist?
A: Put sheet music in front of him

Guitarist: How many drummers does it take to... AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGHHH
Drummer: [strangling] ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING DRUMMER JOKES!!!!

Story:
Ok, so this dude goes on long trips and his wife's a nympho. He wants to make sure she gets her rocks off while he's gone without banging random dudes. So he goes down to Kinky Sex Shop and tell the clerk the sitch. Clerk says, "I've got just the thing for you. Voodoo Penis. It's a magic dildo that will do what you say". He buys it, brings it home and gives the instructions to his wife. She tries it out. She says "Voodoo Penis, pussy" and she has a good time. When she's done, she says "Voodoo Penis, stop!" and lo and behold, Voodoo Penis stops. Well, she's on her way to work, and decides that she could stand to get a quick one on her commute, and says "Voodoo Penis, pussy!" The dildo jumps right to her nether regions and starts giving her a mindblowing orgasm. So much so, she gets pulled over by the state trooper. He says, "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?" So she tries to explain the Voodoo Penis to her. State Trooper responds, "Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

Joke teller: Did you hear that one about the foreigner?
Joke listener: No...
Joke teller: He was real stupid

Story:
American, Englishman and Irishman walk into a bar, they each order a pint.
It's not  a very clean bar and there's this fly going around. The fly lands on the Americans pint and he says, "Fuckin' fly!!!" and flicks him off, proceeding to drink his beer. The disturbed fly whizzes around a bit and alights on the Brit's beer. The Englishman says, "Oi! Bahkeep! Vairz a floi on me beeah. I fink I wont anothah fuckin beeah!" The bartender takes the Englishman's beer away and give him another. This of course, disturbs the fly, who is now whizzing around again. The Irishman takes his sip of his pint, puts it down and the fly lands on it. The Irishman's eyes widen, and with lightning fast reflexes, grabs the fly, throws him on the bar and starts shouting, "SHPITH ITH OUT YE FECKIN' BASTURD!!!"

I have more. But again. Stop me if you've heard these ones.

[BadBeast]

How many really real Discordians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None,  they don't even realise the bulb has gone, because they are the only really real source of light.

How many really fake Discordians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they'll just wait for a really real Discordian to light the way.