ATTN, RWHN:

[Doktor Howl]

We have your beard.  It is currently alive, but that situation may change unless our demands are met.

Do not test us.  We are desperate men.  Respond soonest, or the facial hair gets it.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

  Can't wait to see what this evolves into...

[Jenne]

  Don't listen to 'em, RWHN, let them keep the beard!  It's robbed you of your youth!  Leave it and never look back...

[Freeky]

DOK! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I TOLD YOU?!

YOU DON'T

KIDNAP

PEOPLE'S

FACIAL HAIR!!

THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? IT'S THE STUFF ON TOP OF THEIR HEADS THAT MOST MEN ARE WORRIED ABOUT!

[Cainad (dec.)]

No. I will not accept this.

Things have gone too far, Dok. Your unrepentant and merciless descent into the deepest pits of depravity in the name of "necessity" has finally gone beyond what even the most morally pliable man could accept.

You crossed the fucking line.

Beardtheft is something we leave in the old, unread history books for a reason. No one wants to even have to remember crimes of that magnitude, and there you go, brazenly committing the very act itself! On a public forum, no less! Have you no decency at all, man? I would have thought humanity left that horrible shit behind, like it did with Praying Mantis-style Spouseophagy and Arsenic-Scented Bath Soap. But no. There's always gotta be someone like you, someone who just has to "prove a point" or whatever about just how awful we can still be to each other.

You might think you're untouchable. Surely a man with the know-how, cunning, and guts to commit First-Degree Beardtheft without even having the courtesy to fill out the paperwork first is so far beyond normal that no one could possibly anticipate his moves and get the better of him. And maybe you're right.

But I, for one, will not stand idly by in fear. Though I too am a potential target for facial hair thievery, I will not allow myself to be cowed into submission and wait for a hero to save us. There is too much at stake here to scurry under the covers and hold our breath so the monsters can't hear us. To attempt anything less than full, pure, unmitigated righteous vengeance is a betrayal of humanity, myself, and my face.


Here I stand. I cannot do otherwise.



P.S. If even ONE FUCKING HAIR on my mutton chops goes missing, it's gonna be personal.

[AFK]

We have your beard.  It is currently alive, but that situation may change unless our demands are met.

Do not test us.  We are desperate men.  Respond soonest, or the facial hair gets it.

How do I know it is okay?  How do I know that if I give in to your demands you won't just kill it with a flowbee? 

Let the poor guy go. 

[Doktor Howl]

We have your beard.  It is currently alive, but that situation may change unless our demands are met.

Do not test us.  We are desperate men.  Respond soonest, or the facial hair gets it.

How do I know it is okay?  How do I know that if I give in to your demands you won't just kill it with a flowbee? 

Let the poor guy go. 

Our demands are non-negotiable.

[malvarma]

Can't wait to see what this evolves into...

[The Wizard]

I will save your facial fuzz, RWHN! I cannot stand by and let another innocent fall victim to the villainy of Doktor Howl! My old nemesis...