Author Topic: Conversations from hell  (Read 18350 times)

Doktor Howl

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Re: Conversations from hell
« Reply #180 on: June 18, 2013, 12:41:46 am »
Thread is now about Hylie.

PD is now about AIN'T IT AWFUL.
Morrissey is the crown prince of sad.  He teaches us that deaf/mute girls are terrible at telling you that a disaster is occurring, and that when you get famous, all your old friends hate you for buying new tee shirts.  Morrissey fans are best known for hugging their legs and biting their knees in the shower, over a girl that dumped them rather than learn their name, or binge-eating an entire pizza and then throwing it up on their man-boobs in the bath tub, while they squeeze their  testicles until they remember that they are worthless and do not deserve love.

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Re: Conversations from hell
« Reply #181 on: June 18, 2013, 01:22:32 am »
Thread is now about Hylie.

PD is now about AIN'T IT AWFUL.
Sorry...I'm about done...

The last bit...since I was now able to actually think...I  figured out my marriage sucked.
We worked on it.
It kept getting more painful.  We kept arguing.
I really wanted to make it work, partly because I loved her, partly because I wanted to have a kid, and I doubt I could pull off single-motherhood well.
She really didn't seem to want to put much effort in. I think she'd already decided it was over, really, and just stalling for time.

I finally got a clear indication I could not be happy, and I asked for a divorce.
Divorce was...less painful than going through the memories.  Still pretty sucky.
My pistol's still over at my younger brother's.

Another thing...I sort of ended up adopting people.  For a while I didn't want to live and felt worthless.
...So I ended up with friends all over the place.  I still talk to a number of them.
I'm still healing.

« Last Edit: June 18, 2013, 04:10:59 am by hylierandom, A.D.D. »
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Re: Conversations from hell
« Reply #182 on: June 18, 2013, 01:58:10 am »
Thanks for putting up with me posting this.

It's actually good these days, being my own committee. I'm getting over the wife.
It's going to be ok now, I've got a fucking handle on things.

One more weird and genuinely funny thing I thought of.

In 2008 I briefly had a resurgence of what I'd had before during the bad years...aural hallucinations.
...At the time, I was hearing replays of tv theme songs...and I'd go check the TV.
TV was off.
I also heard a brassy jazz band.

At the time, I thought I was going crazy...and I was.

This time I knew what it was.  At worst, annoying.

When they came back, it was the same TV show songs...the Jazz band, all those 70's sitcom songs, reproduced perfectly.
I mean, I'd love to have photographic memory...but I guess your brain takes impression of both the awesome and everything else that is not so awesome.

The radio in my ears came on when I woke up, and if I was able to, I'd lie in bed  listening to my brain.
When I was "tuning in" the jazz band, I found that I could direct the band. 
After all, it's being produced by my mind, I might as well have fun with it...it went away in about 20 minutes.

One morning, when it cut out, I heard the callsign in 4-part harmony :"K...L..S...D!"
 :lol:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6gNo4-1r6k


« Last Edit: June 18, 2013, 02:19:33 am by hylierandom, A.D.D. »
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Re: Conversations from hell
« Reply #183 on: June 18, 2013, 04:08:11 pm »
Thread is now about Hylie.

PD is now about AIN'T IT AWFUL.

I played AIN'T IT AWFUL. The AWFUL ITT grabbed me by the neck and got my attention.

But it's possible to talk to people in other threads, troll pagan boards and whatever else comes up while playing. Seriously, fuck F5.
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Re: Conversations from hell
« Reply #184 on: June 18, 2013, 07:47:47 pm »
Thread is now about Hylie.

PD is now about AIN'T IT AWFUL.

I played AIN'T IT AWFUL. The AWFUL ITT grabbed me by the neck and got my attention.

But it's possible to talk to people in other threads, troll pagan boards and whatever else comes up while playing. Seriously, fuck F5.

That...is actually a good listening skill.
A valuable one.
You have to be able to put someone else's pain aside in order to hear it...or as I say, you throw a life preserver, you don't jump in and drown in a show of solidarity.
I had one novice therapist who fell afoul of this, she quit to go work for CPS, though, so maybe good things were achieved?
Dunno.

My way of fixing myself has come to involve trying to help other folks heal.
Mostly on the internet because I'm spatially rather isolated.
Blame Houston, this place is a car-town from hell, and that's really isolating.

Got the idea of what I was kinda-sorta doing anyway from reading about Mahayana Buddhism...
The book I have around here in this mess somewhere said, paraphrasing...
Enlightenment comes inevitably through pushing oneself to be compassionate.
I've found getting better also comes through pushing myself to be compassionate.
Then again I don't see healing and enlightenment as a separate thing.

Child abuse victims were wounded in relational sorts of ways, so there's only so much repair one can do alone.

One of the things I have learned in the past few years is that my abuse was actually not nearly as bad as what some other people managed to survive.
So, while things have been super-shitty, I don't get to feel particularly sorry for myself.
...If it came off as "Poor me," that wasn't my intent, I was just trying to tell you how it was.

...As you said earlier, this is happening now, to some other little kid
The whole stranger-danger thing looks very much like cultural denial to me.
...80% of sexually abused kids are abused by someone they know and trust.
To some degree we still, on a cultural level, view children as property.
...They aren't what they should be, a sort of sacred trust, they are there for the convenience of the parent.

CPS does a complete shit job of protecting kids...but maybe that's because it's not a social priority to protect kids.
That's why they are underfunded, that's why they can't investigate shit properly.
I mean, CPS leaves kids in danger, takes kids away improperly, AND puts them in unsafe care when they take them. 
It is a giant excremental pile of fail.
And we don't care enough to fix that.
We're only dealing with bullying in the schools recently.
Until now, we didn't bother to make sure our kids don't have to go to school and suffer physical aggression and harassment.

Yeah I don't have a kid, but when the system fucks large numbers of people up, our society gets fucked up as a whole.
So even beyond being compassionate, it's in everyone's best interest to do better.

« Last Edit: June 18, 2013, 08:06:51 pm by hylierandom, A.D.D. »
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I smacked it with a hammer until it was red and squashy

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Re: Conversations from hell
« Reply #185 on: June 18, 2013, 08:39:39 pm »
So, while things have been super-shitty, I don't get to feel particularly sorry for myself.

Feeling sorry for oneself is the hallmark of the lost cause. One either fights whatever it is or one is completely fucked, plain and simple and no amount of compassion and/or sympathy will help.

FTR, I thought what you wrote fell on the right side of the whine line. Sounds like you're putting up and dealing with the shit. Good on ya!
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Re: Conversations from hell
« Reply #186 on: July 02, 2013, 09:49:26 pm »
Feeling sorry for oneself is the hallmark of the lost cause. One either fights whatever it is or one is completely fucked, plain and simple and no amount of compassion and/or sympathy will help.

That's words to live by.
You just have to accept  that YOU have to deal with it, fix it, whether it was your horrid fuckup parents or the meiotic dice roll gifting you with brain cooties...or both, or getting shot at in war, or becoming head injured.
It's NOT FUCKING FAIR.
You get to kludge a solution that works for you anyway.

Anyway, just realized something while elsewhere...
I was writing in regards to someone's troll post, which I was able to take down, and I commented on having done....

Quote
It doesn't bother me much, but other people are a LOT more triggery...I've sort of mentally cauterized myself in that respect and OHHH!
I was desensitizing myself to my own abuse by reading the stories of others!

So THAT's what I was doing by reading all the abuse stories! It was sort of a compulsive thing for a while, reading other people's stories.

Now I find it damned useful, people can tell me about the horrible sh!t they've been through and I won't flinch.
People need to talk about it to fix it, and so I'm very much able to help others now. This is a very good thing.


« Last Edit: July 02, 2013, 09:55:45 pm by hylierandom, A.D.D. »
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I smacked it with a hammer until it was red and squashy

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Re: Conversations from hell
« Reply #187 on: April 02, 2019, 02:00:27 am »
I skimmed everything but "Hylie"