G8/20 PSAs

[Hoser McRhizzy]

Welcome To Toronto The Good!


Dear foreign diplomat and friend,

You're tired of having to attend summits, conventions and meetings, we know.  All those briefings and speeches just go on and on.  That's why, from the beginning of April until July 4th, we're offering our thousands of preferred G8/20 travelers Diplomatic Immunity during your stay here in Canada!

That's right!  Not only can you party hard without worrying about being arrested or detained for any old reason, we're not even going to check your bags at the airport!

You may have heard that there's a "5-tier system of security" for people who need to travel downtown during your summit, but never you fear!  That's just for the crusty protesters, residents and business owners.  Not for you!

So, snort some blow!  Rent a few hookers!  Kill a man just to watch him die!  We've got you covered.  And please, enjoy your stay.



- the mgt



Hundreds of G20 Delegates Granted Diplomatic Immunity
Security Map

[Hoser McRhizzy]

Again, I wasn't sure where to put this.  Seems to belong in Aneristic, but I thought OKM was a safer bet.  

Just responses to stupid media, atm.

[Hoser McRhizzy]

Re: Warning!  Stuff!


Attention citizens:

As you know, it recently came to our attention that persons in certain farming regions of Ontario have been buying fertilizer (which will henceforth be referred to as ammonium nitrate).  These persons have caused us great distress, because this ammonium nitrate (which will henceforth be referred to as possible bomb-making material) could possibly be used to make a bomb.

In the interest of quelling public panic, we immediately sent PSAs to all of our major news stations, including composite sketches of one suspect, which you should have seen by now.  Luckily, this disturber of the peace turned himself in to our crack team of investigators the very same day, and we have identified him as a farmer.  This leads us to conclude that his purchase of possible bomb-making material was probably not for the purpose of attacking the G8/20 gatherings upcoming in our city. 

Please, rest assured that if we detect anything equally suspicious in the near future, we will immediately send more PSAs to more major media outlets to let you know that we're investigating things, these 'things' could harm you, and that's why our upcoming weekend G8/20 meetings need security funding beyond the 1.1 billion we've already spent.

So, "stand on guard," watch yourselves, and stay tuned.

- the mgt


Police identify buyer of ammonium nitrate
Fertilizer bomb threat a mere 'gardening incident'

[Requia ☣]

that's why our upcoming weekend G8/20 meetings need security funding beyond the 1.1 billion we've already spent.

You're shitting me right?  They went *over* a billion?

[Rumckle]

 

Well, at least this gives me a reason to be glad I'm no longer in TO

[Hoser McRhizzy]

that's why our upcoming weekend G8/20 meetings need security funding beyond the 1.1 billion we've already spent.

You're shitting me right?  They went *over* a billion?

Most current media is repeating 'about a billion', but we hit a billion two weeks ago and money's still being spent.  At the same time, there are quotes in the most recent mass media news stories pegging it at 1.3, and there's no correction within the articles.  Thought I'd go with a conservative estimate.

Latest Security Measure/Expenditure?  Pulling up saplings from the downtown core.  Because they could be uprooted by protesters and used as weapons.  I watched this happen today and it was...  Fuck it.  No words for it.


@ Rumckle - Downtown's already a ghost town.  Only people there are cops, residents, business owners and a few really fucking confused tourists wondering if the Pride parade has a BDSM theme this year.

[Captain Utopia]

I live in one of the security zones which has been given an eastern bloc makeover with 10foot chain-link fences, my building put together a wonderful four page G20 survival guide which did a fantastic job of scaring my wife 

Some highlights:

• 35,000 protesters have already pre-registered for the event and this number is expected to grow/ as the Toronto Police Zone is located [right where you live], we anticipate protesters in and around this perimeter.
  
• We would recommend residents and their guests enjoy their weekend away from the city core.
  
• If you decide to leave the building ... carry identification with your address on it at all times, and photo-identification.
  
• Do not initiate conversations with protesters/if you are going out into the crowd you are recommended to be in casual address as business attire may put you in a susceptible position.
  
• Should an emergency occur we will need the help of volunteers to maintain security.
  
• As we may lose power and water during the event (we had a half-hour blackout last night, no less - first in over three years), we HIGHLY recommend that you have sufficient food/ water for the weekend. 
  
• We would also recommend that you put together a personal emergency kit to keep you going for 72 hours.
  
• Please report any suspicious behaviour and keep the door to your suite LOCKED at all times.
  
  The thing which pisses me off though, is the story that there were other locations outside of the downtown core with plenty less residents and businesses where the city wanted to host it, but that the prime minister overruled those because he wanted to "show off the city".

[Rumckle]

"Ensure you follow the dress code, and have your papers ready for inspection at all times.

Anyone seen communicating with undesirables will be detained.

For the Glorious Nation of Canada!"

[P3nT4gR4m]

Re: Warning!  Stuff!


Attention citizens:

As you know, it recently came to our attention that persons in certain farming regions of Ontario have been buying fertilizer (which will henceforth be referred to as ammonium nitrate).  These persons have caused us great distress, because this ammonium nitrate (which will henceforth be referred to as possible bomb-making material) could possibly be used to make a bomb.

In the interest of quelling public panic, we immediately sent PSAs to all of our major news stations, including composite sketches of one suspect, which you should have seen by now.  Luckily, this disturber of the peace turned himself in to our crack team of investigators the very same day, and we have identified him as a farmer.  This leads us to conclude that his purchase of possible bomb-making material was probably not for the purpose of attacking the G8/20 gatherings upcoming in our city. 

Please, rest assured that if we detect anything equally suspicious in the near future, we will immediately send more PSAs to more major media outlets to let you know that we're investigating things, these 'things' could harm you, and that's why our upcoming weekend G8/20 meetings need security funding beyond the 1.1 billion we've already spent.

So, "stand on guard," watch yourselves, and stay tuned.

- the mgt


Police identify buyer of ammonium nitrate
Fertilizer bomb threat a mere 'gardening incident'

Someone really ought to take this opportunity to go out in force and stab a couple of hundred coppers through the heart with sharpened chair legs. Next summit they'll all have to stand 

[Hoser McRhizzy]

Media directive 416


Dear international media member,

As you are a member of the 3,000-strong Press Corps providing up-to-date coverage of this, the 4th G20 and 36th G8 Summit, we'd like to take a moment to say Congratulations!  And welcome to the Experience Canada Alley theme park!

Located beside a beautiful and historical lake simulation, Experience Canada is an immersive virtual 3,700 square meter pavilion.  Replete with Canadiana (canoes, a vista and possibly beaver-emblazoned champagne glasses), Experience Canada is at once a wonder of modern architecture and your place to hang your hat, have a beverage and enjoy the World Cup. 

Please report to Experience Canada's front desk at your earliest convenience (located inside the Direct Energy Centre, which is located within Exhibition Place).  Only a short subway/car ride from such cultural icons as the CN Tower, the Royal Ontario Museum, the University of Toronto, the Skydome and the Art Gallery of Ontario, Exhibition Place will be your home away from home.  You will find Exhibition Place next to (non-simulated) Lake Ontario.

Also, please note that while all of the aforementioned icons will be closed for the weekend of (and for many, the week leading to) the G8/20, you may familiarize yourself with and report on these unique institutions by searching on the internet.

Again, welcome to the inner circle!  Relax, and enjoy Experience Canada: we created it just for you.

- the mgt

Addendum:  It has been suggested by some members of the press reporting on public reaction to Experience Canada Alley that the $1.9 million expenditure for the simulated lake, vista and pavilion (which will be dismantled after you leave) is exorbitant given already existent waterfront locations and vistas.  Your talking points should be updated to include:
-   a failing global economy,
-   Canada's chance to market itself to the world,
-   and the word "expenditure" should immediately be replaced with the less biased and more trade-friendly "investment."


PM defends G8 fake lake pavilion

[Telarus]

 

[Hoser McRhizzy]

Thanks, Telarus.  Really don't know what else to do with all this mindfuckery but mock it.

"Ensure you follow the dress code, and have your papers ready for inspection at all times.

Anyone seen communicating with undesirables will be detained.

For the Glorious Nation of Canada!"

Pretty much.

I live in one of the security zones which has been given an eastern bloc makeover with 10foot chain-link fences, my building put together a wonderful four page G20 survival guide which did a fantastic job of scaring my wife 

"Keep your doors locked, don't go out"...  Everything but "invest in duct tape."  And what's that about needing volunteers?  The scare tactics for this are ridiculous (and we're in complete agreement about other locations).  Hope you and your wife are doing alright.  My SO and I are just north of you guys, but outside the cage area.

...................
Update to cite that 1.3 billion price tag.  (I haven't double-checked the calculations or anything, but it's a major article that hasn't been edited yet, just in case anyone was interested).

[Hoser McRhizzy]

Re: The Fence is not a downer!


Dear Public,

Clocking in at 6 kilometers and counting, we know you're as impressed by The Fence as we are!  Yet, we're amazed and saddened to find many of you determined to see this spectacular piece of artisan-ship through your Negative Nelly glasses.

That's why we're taking this opportunity to show you The Fence in another light: that in which it was intended.  Showcasing the work of uncounted artisans, The Fence is at once an interactive performance art piece and a testament to the skill of hundreds of unidentifiable workers.  Take Pride in The Fence!  It's an eco-friendly showcase of metal recycling and a complex creation of ribald ingenuity!

Our artisans have constructed a charming and spirited maze of walking trails right in the middle of your city, with a jocular nod towards the increasingly popular architectural 'claustrophobia experience.'  Highlighting the architects' (until now) secretive directive of Playful Subversion, a risqué 'red light' theme has been added throughout the inner security perimeter.  Acknowledging the exhibitionist in all of us, security guards may (or may not!) be standing ready at undisclosed checkpoints to perform full-body X-rays of all incoming participants!

In addition to the craftsmanship on display, The Fence offers our world leaders and their aides the opportunity to let their hair down for a coltish game of Paintball!  If you're worried about their safety, please remember that this weekend is a chance to plunge into a fraternal devil-may-care world they rarely get to experience in these overly-serious days.  And in the impish words of former Interpol president and recently retired chairman of Canada's Advisory Council on National Security, "If no one gets hurt, we will have spent too much."

In closing, instead of focusing on irrelevant and distracting details like the $5.5 million price tag, we encourage you to see through the eyes of one right-minded tourist who, stunned by the majesty of The Fence, rapturously proclaimed, "That is severe gauge, man, wow!"

- the mgt


Everything you need to know about The Fence
Inner security perimeter checkpoints may include X-ray scans by security guards
G20 comics - paintball 

[Pæs]

  to whole thread.

[Hoser McRhizzy]

Thanks FZ.  I'm glad you got a laugh out of it.  And from one n00b to (admittedly, not really but sort of) another, welcome (back).   

.................................
Unnecessary personal information and rambling follow:
The only reason I kept writing them is that they were something to do and they helped me think about what kind of place/time I'm living in, but they don't *do* anything.  As a longtime activisty type, it's kind of...

Wait.  Is that... fun?  In my politics???  Just the usual mundane fill-in-the-blanks mimicry in writing these, but they were.  Fun to write, I mean.  Which I've missed...

Not sure what else is bubbling under the Starbucks encounter with hoops, the Dok and TGG (which felt kind of like this), but it sparked something. 

But that's the last of these, I think. The summer gig got cut, so I have to go find another job now and get my shit together again for September.